When this woman feels guilty for being mad at her late sibling, she asks Reddit:
For context I 38 female got engaged to my now husband last June. My mother has never supported me and was indifferent to the proposal which I had no problem with. At my wedding my husband's parents made a beautiful speech that brought me and my husband to tears.
When my father and mother got onto the platform my heart sunk as I had the understanding this speech would have nothing to do with me or my relationship. My mother and my older sister had been in a car accident when I was 12 and my sister had not made it.
It was heartbreaking my mother, my father and I had grieved ever since that day and I will never forget my beautiful sister Adelaide and her beautiful smile. My mother had it the worst of us and separated herself from me and my father ever since and our relationship has been in shambles.
She constantly makes every day even MY birthday about Adelaide which always annoyed me slightly but I always rubbed it off as I wanted to be a good daughter. But my wedding day was the last straw.
When she got to the top of the platform she proceeded to take the mic from my dad and make a speech about how her one wish in life was to see Adelaide get married and live a beautiful life she went on about her grieving process and healing journey at a yoga retreat not once mentioning my name or my finances.
She spoke for about 5 minutes and then in tears ended the speech with "now my sarah gets to live the life adelaide deserved but was taken away from to soon". I was absolutely furious but I did not want to ruin the day or let her get the best of me so I didn't make a scene but I did not clap either and nor did my fiance.
After the wedding I did not approach her or even speak to her for weeks I figured she understood why but yesterday evening she came to me and my fiances apartment demanding answers I laughed in her face and told her she should know that speech was not acceptable at my wedding and I wish for her to apologize she refused so I just shut the door.
My phone is blowing up with calls from both sides of my family. My fiances family completely supports me but most of my family is in their words disgusted by my actions am I the asshole.
NTA. It has been 26 years since the accident, but clearly your mother has not processed her grief properly. But as her daughter, who was actually involved in the accident too, it is not your job to make her heal or make her feel better.
Your family who is taking her side in this is not helping at all. Maybe it’s time to take a step away from them (LC or NC), so that you can focus on yourself and your marriage first without having to constantly apologize for living your life. Despite what your mother thinks, YOU deserve your life.
And congratulations on your marriage. Seems like your in-laws have your back, which is a very good thing.
NTA What she said at your wedding was already beyond the pale despite her grief, but the relatives hassling you now haven't had to live with your mother turning everything into this and can't appreciate that your mother's speech was the last straw.
Your mother has gone down a really dark path where she has to look at all of your milestones as something somehow taken from your sister, rather than celebrating you separate from her grief.
She has gone wrong and it is hurting you. You don't have to suck it up and allow her to destroy every event in your life, because you are still here and your sister isn't. Your mother has latched onto you in this way very unfairly. She may be doing it irrationally but that doesn't excuse it or make it any less destructive or hurtful.
NTA. It isn't your dead sister that you resent; it's the version of her that your mother has created and prioritized over you since the day she passed away. This is on mom (and to some degree dad, if he hasn't intervened in any way), not on you or your sister.
Your mom needed therapy a long time ago to help her with what is still clearly a very unmanageable level of grief; maybe this incident will finally help her realise that. Congratulations on your marriage, and I'm glad to hear you have the support of your fiance's family.