Woman begs husband to stop his habit; now he's the exact opposite. 'I hate it.'
My[33F] husband[33M] of 4 years completely changed and I hate it.
I've been married for 4 years, together for 14. My husband used to be big into World of Warcraft, anime, video games, dnd, books, Manga and comics.
We were 19 when we started dating, so it wasn't such a big deal. All of these years later, he hadn't changed at all, he spent all of his time on those hobbies. We didn't spend anytime together, no vacations, no dates, and sex was nearly non existent.
We fought a bunch of times about his lack of romance, and attention and responsibilities. Everything came to a head a little over a year ago. I was fed up. I told him that things had to change, or I would leave. He promised he would change. And he did. I hate it.
He put all of his games, his dnd stuff, his books, his gaming pc, all of it. Into storage. He dropped out of his weekly dnd campaign, and left his raiding guild in WoW.
For the last year, he goes to work, and comes home. He spends every second with me, Watching what I watch on TV, or sitting quietly while I scroll, or read. He cooks, and cleans, and does the dishes, and laundry.
We have sex more often too, but it's passionless now. And we have weekly dates, but only at places I enjoy. Same for the restaurants we eat at. Same for the food he cooks. He is doing all of the things I said I wanted. He's become this perfectly attentive husband, it makes me want to scream.
I can tell that he is miserable too. Sometimes his plastered on smile slips. He always says everything is good, or there's nothing wrong, or he doesn't want to bother me with it. Or not to worry, tell him about MY day, or similar.
How can I address the situation with my husband and find a balance that satisfies both of us in terms of his personal interests and our relationship?
TL;DR: My husband, who used to be passionate about hobbies like gaming, books, and comics, changed his behavior after I expressed dissatisfaction.
He gave up his interests, became extremely attentive, and prioritized my preferences in every aspect of our lives. However, this change feels wrong.
EDIT. I FEEL LIKE LOTS OF PEOPLE ARE MISUNDERSTANDING.
He played games from the time he got home from work until he went to bed. Every day. The only time he wasn't playing games is when a new episode of a show he watches came out, or when he went to plaY dnd.
He didn't cook, or clean, or help with the laundry. That left me alone to do ALL of the housework, the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry. Going grocery shopping. Making sure all of the bills are paid. Everything. He paid zero attention to me, and I was like a maid, or a roommate, or a parent.
Now do you see the problem?
I also didn't tell him to give up his hobbies. I asked that he give me a tiny bit of the attention that he gave his hobbies, to help out a little with chores, you know, PARTICIPATE, in our marriage.
Instead of doing that, he chose to box up everything and toss it into storage.
Here's the advice she got in the comments.
I think he got hurt when you talked about breaking up and is living in a constant state of panic. He’s gotten so lost in being who he hopes you want, and so obsessed with getting your validation, that he’s totally lost himself. Maybe it’s time for another conversation.
Is he an all-or-nothing kind of person? If his hobbies started to feel like addictions (and it sounds like they were certainly close), he might not feel like he could control himself enough to limit his time with them so he went cold turkey. And for something that has veered into addiction territory, seeking therapy may be an alternative to cutting out everything he used to do.
Couple's counseling. It's reasonable to want a husband who's actually a participant in the marriage and it's also reasonable to not want him to solely live life on your terms, but there's a major disconnect here.
Why did you get married knowing and fighting about this same problem for more than a decade? Why did he go nuclear and decide to abandon all his hobbies altogether? Have you sat him down and talked to him about this?
Not in like a 'are you ok' and just accepting when he says yes way, but in a real 'I've noticed these big changes and when I said I wanted more effort in x area, I didn't mean that you had to give up everything you like in order to make it happen. Do you think there's a way to find more balance here so we both can be happy?' way?
Talk to him.
'Babe, I really love you. I know that you made a lot of changes and I appreciate that you've tried so hard. I feel like we may have made a mistake making such drastic changes, though
When I asked you to change I just wanted you more present in the relationship. I wanted us to have a date night here and there, but also intimacy. I was not asking you to change who you are entirely, though, and I didn't mean for you to feel like you can't talk to me about your own days or feelings.
I also want you to pick dates that you will enjoy too, not just me. I know that these changes have been way too drastic and you aren't happy with them. I never intended to make you feel like you couldn't be yourself.'
Maybe something like that?
I think the fact that he felt the need to put his gaming stuff into storage is probably an indicator of addiction. He probably knows he cannot play a small amount, he either plays 10 hours a day or he gives up.
Moderation is key in life for stuff like this.
Maybe start the conversation by appreciating that he’s making an effort and that you didn’t intend for him to give up all his hobbies for good—just find more of a balance. Maybe suggest some parameters for how much time per week you need quality time together and how much would be good to spend on hobbies?
Honestly it sounds like your husband doesn’t know how to be a good partner at all. He’s acting how he thinks a good partner should act. Sounds like counseling and immediately is extremely appropriate for this situation.