'AITA for not wanting joint bank accounts with my future husband?'
"AITA - Marital bank accounts?"
I am a 38 yr old female engaged to a 39 year old man. We have recently begun discussing finances for our marriage.
I need to know if I am in the wrong here as this has now become a great source of strain for us. Our approaches to our marital assets differ slightly. To provide some background - I have a child from a prior relationship and a sick mother.
He has two children from prior relationships. There is a disparity in our earnings with me earning about 5 times more than my fiancé. This has never been an issue to me before and I am hopeful that we can grow together.
My partner would like to pool all earnings into one shared account from which we cover all household expenses. I am in agreement with this but have additionally proposed that we maintain separate and independent accounts to which 10% of our earnings go.
This is for several reasons (autonomy, surprises, individual needs) but to primarily maintain some independence financially. We both have lost a lot in prior relationships and while I don’t want to go into a marriage planning for the worst l think it’s wise to be prepared as we have significant responsibilities.
My fiancé believes that this conveys a lack of commitment on my part and has told me that this is indicative of my readiness for marriage.
I feel heartbroken that he is suggesting delaying marriage because of this. As we are both at a sort of impasse he has proposed we flip a coin to determine an approach. I am not comfortable flipping a coin on such a big aspect of our life.
As a result, he has now accused me of being uncompromising. Am I being inflexible or unreasonable?
Let's see what readers thought.
elvetica writes:
NTA. This would be a huge red flag for me. You’re only asking for 10% in separate accounts (which frankly I don’t think is enough) and he’s refusing to trust you with even that much. If he doesn’t trust you financially, is he ready for marriage?
For context, my husband and I have been together 19 years, married 11. We have one joint investment account and that’s it. Otherwise finances are completely separate and we split bills. If I were you, I’d be insisting on a prenup.
keyagent1876 writes:
NTA. What you are proposing is standard. I think it's fair that you each maintain an account for all shared expenses. For every dollar he puts in, you put in 5. Vacations, meals, rent, everything comes out of here.
Considering the very high disparity in incomes, you may offer to put in a bit more for little extras or emergencies here and there.
You have children with other people. Your financial obligations are not only to yourselves. If a man in 2023 cannot understand why a woman, with previous children no less, would want to maintain a level of financial separation in a marriage without taking it personally, I think that's a pretty big cause for concern.
My generous interpretation: your fiancee feels insecure about his financial position relative to yours, and rather than process that insecurity, he thinks it's a better idea to give him full access to all of your money because of... love?
my ungenerous interpretation: your fiancee has not made this an issue in your relationship because he expected to have full access to all of your money when you got married and did not want to jeopardize that.
Either way, his resorting to "if you loved me / if you were ready to get married" is a totally uncool manipulation tactic. He's trying to guilt you into giving him all of your money.
That's messed up, and if he can't drop that toute suite and have a real conversation with you, I don't see this ending well. It's fine that he's insecure. It's not fine that he doesn't seem to even consider the solution could be anything other than all of your money.
veronika40 writes:
Do not marry him. Please don't. But if you do, get a prenup. A thorough one. If he refuses to sign it, well, that should be more than "indicative" if he's fitting to be your life partner. Good luck!