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Woman berates girlfriend, 'Your biphobic paranoia ruined my night out.' AITA? UPDATED 2X

Woman berates girlfriend, 'Your biphobic paranoia ruined my night out.' AITA? UPDATED 2X


When this woman is livid with her girlfriend's possessive behavior, and provides several juicy updates about the situation, she asks Reddit:

"AITA for telling my girlfriend she 'ruined' my night by insisting she comes along?"

My girlfriend and I (both 20f) have been dating for a year. My girlfriend-Jane and I have separate friend groups. Jane doesn't get along with my friends, yet insists she is brought along to our nights out/in.

It's incredibly uncomfortable because whilst she's also a woman, these get-togethers are no-partners allowed parties. Plus, she doesn't get along with anyone so it's super awkward.

I was invited out to one of their parties, and Jane got upset that I'm going without her. I'll be gone from 10am Friday to afternoon on Saturday. She has no issue with both of us going, but without her, it's an issue.

I said I'd leave later and try to get back earlier, but she wouldn't have it either. I ended up bringing her along and it was a nightmare. The mood was brought down and no one really had fun as all my friends seemed to be walking on eggshells around her.

When we got back, she kept gloating about how much fun she had, but I felt the opposite. I said 'well, I'm glad someone had fun.'. She got upset and asked what I meant.

I explained that it was a friend night in, and she wasn't invited. She got super upset and pulled some crap about how it's 'toxic' that I want to have a night out without her. She says she's hurt that I 1) didn't want her there and 2) that I said she ruined the night.

I just wanted to spend time with my friends, 1 on 1. AITA?

Then, OP provides her first update:

EDIT: clarification. I mentioned Jane's gender because usually on posts like these, the no partner rule is because the partners are of opposite sex so it's a 'safe space' for the people to talk (guys night or girls night).

I brought up that she's a woman because all my friends have male partners but it's still a no-partner's night despite the gender. I am female. Jane is female. I am bi. Jane is lesbian.

All my friends are female. Basically I think her biphobic paranoia ruined my night. The party was a birthday celebration which is why it was over 2 days. They usually aren't that long.

Before we get into OP's final update, let's take a look at some of the top responses:

gentlefolk writes:

Biphobia is infuriating, especially from lesbians who should know better and be more empathetic. The idea that bi = cheater is so disgusting and harmful. The first girl I marched with on...

Bumble unmatched me as soon as I mentioned I was be because, and I quote, she "doesn't date people who are just going to cheat with men". She literally knew nothing about me other than my sexual orientation. Honestly, good riddance to bad rubbish.

mousyfields writes:

Oh no, I am so incredibly sorry you got such blatant biphobia thrown in your face. I'm so glad you have a friend you're able to be with for your safety while everything cools down. Do you have back up safety plans if there's ever a time you can't be with your friend?

I hate that there is so much toxicity within the LGBT+ community. We get enough hate from people who don't identify as LGBT+, so why do we feel the need to go around hating on each other as well?

I've lost track of the amount of times I've had lesbians tell me they could never trust me because I'm not "gold star". An awful school of thought that emerged from the AIDS crisis shouldn't still be running this rampant.

I'm sorry that your relationship ended up this way, and I hope any future relationships you decide to pursue are with people who are supportive and accepting of your sexuality, even if it differs from their own.

From a slightly older LGBT+ person (29) who has experienced similar shaming over my se%ual history, feel free to reach out if you ever need random-internet-stranger support.

tiredofpeople writes:

Definitely sounds like it was heavily emotionally abusive with the controlling and manipulative behaviors, even the bragging afterwards of how she had so much fun when you clearly didn't (she was consciously rubbing it in your face).

Abusers hate it when you call them out on their actions and they don't typically take responsibility for it, often flipping it around on you or saying it's because they "love you".

If it was a healthy partnership with a non abusive partner, she would have listened to you when you opened up about your boundaries and emotions instead of getting defensive and blaming you. You did nothing wrong OP and congratulations for having the strength to leave the relationship. I hope you will seek support either with friends or counseling because being in an emotionally abusive relationship can leave lasting psychological damage if you don't have support.

Again, you did nothing wrong!!! You simply fell victim to an emotional abuser and that is not your fault. Sending you comfort and healing vibe

Then, OP provides her final update:

So the majority vote was 'NTA' with a few YTA votes sprinkled in. A lot of people were genuinely mad at me for being in that kind of relationship which didn't make sense, but what can you do?

Another thing I want to address: a lot of people kept saying 'no means no' and 'stick with it when you say no.' I want to reiterate that that does not work with Jane in these scenarios. She would show up no matter what or manipulate me into coming home, or giving her the address.

I got some good advice and used it to my best ability. I also feel I owe everyone an explanation as to why I was dating Jane. First, my parents were in a very toxic relationship all throughout my childhood.

They despised each other but refused to divorce or even move out for the 'benefit' of the kids. Clearly, that didn't work. Second- Jane's behaviour wasn't always so toxic, but once she started to act how my parents did to each other, my dumb brain associated that with love.

I know now that is not the case, but Jane was my first real relationship (the first was a few months that ended with me being cheated on).

I sat Jane down and explained that I feel sad by the double standard between her friends and mine. I expressed that I have no idea why she's so possessive and insists on coming to every party.

Then she said something I was not prepared for: 'I can't trust that you won't go and f anyone whilst out because you're bise%ual.' She went on to explain that she finds many of my friends attractive and assumed I did, too and so projected her own attraction onto me and became jealous and possessive.

She also said there's a '50% extra chance you'll cheat on me because you swing both ways'. I brought up some issues with how she conducts herself and she began crying and gaslighting me (actually gaslighting) but I stood my ground.

As for why she's so possessive? In her own words she 'just is' and does it because she 'loves me'. I was shocked. I needed time to cool down and think but I made the decision to break up with Jane.

I don't want any biphobia in my life. I told her as such, but she did not take it well. As I was calling one of my friends, I noticed all my cash from my purse (around £100) was missing, along with my card (that has since been sorted). She got very angry when I called her out and I left for my own safety.

I'm currently staying at my friend's house (Jane didn't want to leave and it was getting dicey) but I called the cops and they removed her, but I didn't feel safe being home alone after all that. I also apologised to my friend and she said it was fine- she was just happy I'm out of the relationship.

This friend is ride or die (as I am for her). I asked if she (my friend) would dump me as a friend if I continued to be with Jane and she said 'Absolutely not. What kind of asshole friend would I be? Who does that?'.

So yeh. A sort of happy ending? Thanks to everyone who gave me good advice. I love my girlfriend. I'm just sick of her double standard (I'm not allowed to join her on her nights out with her friends). She could have chilled in our apartment like I do when she goes out.

Readers weighed in even more:

ididitforcheese writes:

Just to say - congrats. Do you realise you’ve made a massive leap forward in your personal growth, OP? You’re only 20 and have identified the exact type of family dysfunction your parents exhibited, so you now know what to avoid.

If you haven’t already, might be a good time to find a therapist to work with you to build on this, to avoid making these mistakes again. (I say this as someone who made them ALL and took almost an extra decade than you to recognise the pattern.

Also, our exes sound v similar in terms of the one-sided possessiveness, jealousy, gaslighting, stealing, projecting. If I’d seen your original post, I could have predicted her biphobia. Good riddance and best of luck going forward!).

whiskeygambler writes:

Good job with communicating your issues to Jane. Also good job with breaking up with her biphobic, manipulative, and untrustworthy ass.

You’re right in that you don’t need biphobia in your life - especially not from someone who is meant to be your partner. The lack of disrespect from Jane is, quite frankly, astonishing. The fact that she doubled down also by becoming aggressive and then stealing from you really just says so much about her character.

OP, from one bi person to another: don’t let your ex fuck up your self worth or your respect for your own sexuality. You’re doing great. Your ex’s misconceptions and prejudices are not a reflection of who you are.

Looks like OP is NTA here. Did she do the right thing? What would YOU have done in their shoes?

Sources: Reddit
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