Woman blocked by SIL and brother after she says, 'you were stupid and prone to miscarry.' AITA? UPDATED.
When this woman upsets her SIL after being honest with her, she asks Reddit:
"AITA for telling my SIL she was stupid and proned to miscarry?"
I 25f have been married to my husband for 2 years. We recently got our first home and are officially homeowners so a few weeks ago we decided to throw a big party with family and friends. We did have a bunch of alcohol drinks and mixed drinks, but I had them separated bc my SIL is 3 months pregnant.
My SIL has had 4 miscarriages in the past. It’s heart wrenching, and I feel horrible for her. I’ve always been supportive.
She has a form of PCOS. Anyways at the party I had told SIL that the non alcohol drinks were in the indoor fridge, and to feel free to make herself virgin drinks if she liked.
On the table outside I had mixed drinks outside and in the outside cooler. Long short short sister in law ended up getting trashed, a week later miscarried. She’s been blaming my husband and I since early January for this.
Sending us hateful messages spamming my phone, saying one of us must’ve mixed up the drinks (which didn’t happen.) When it first occurred I told her I was so sorry, but it wasn’t our fault we had other guest who were drinking and I had made her aware of where the other drinks were.
Two days ago she tried pulling that stuff again when we ran into her while at my MIL, and again said it and followed me through the house arguing with me. I finally blew and said your the stupid one for A)not listening when I told you where the non alcoholic drinks are...
B) for continuing to drink bc she had to of realized she was getting drunk, and C) bc your already prone to miscarriages due to your conditions this isn’t our fault.
She broke down in tears crying and wailing saying I wasn’t sensitive, I was a horrible person. My MIL asked us to leave. My husband and I feel bad for her miscarrying ofc, but she has been harassing us for weeks.
SIL texted me off BIL number bc we blocked her, saying how she couldn’t believe I was calling her stupid when her misfortune happened due to my party how I needed to apologize, and how I’ve never been pregnant so I’ll never understand and how alcohol feels different during pregnancy how I was uneducated. MIL is backing her up. AITA?
Let's see what readers thought.
jeeperscreepers8 writes:
I'm sorry, but this is tickling my reddit conspiracy bone--are you sure she was actually pregnant? Because I've known a lot of people who have struggled with fertility issues and, if they were 3 months pregnant and prone to miscarrying, they would have read labels 5x and probably played it safe by just drinking water.
I myself do not drink any alcohol and I've never once ended up accidentally drunk--it's pretty obvious on the first sip or two if a drink is something other than what I intended. Heck, I can't even be fooled by regular Coke when I've ordered Coke Zero, no matter how many times those kids in the McDonald's drive thru try to pull one over on me.
Presuming BIL and MIL were at the party, why did neither of them notice she was getting tipsy and cut her off? I just don't see how, as host, you are somehow responsible for a bunch of other people's actions or failure to act. NTA.
sushiguacdna writes:
NTA. Your sister is obviously unhappy and sensitive about her loss. I understand why she is feeling sad, moody, and possibly depressed. And on top of the psychological pain, I understand that the hormone swings of a miscarriage can also be hard to deal with.
But that doesn't give her the right to go all crazy on you! It sounds like you bent over backward to help. You kept separate drinks for her. You apologized. You apologized again. And she just wouldn't let up! It's perfectly reasonable for you to snap-back when someone just keeps picking, picking, picking with no justification at all.
I'm sorry for her loss, and I'm sorry that she's been taking it out on you.
iminca writes:
Definitively NTA. Your SIL it’s going through a very hard time, but nonetheless she is a f-g train wreck. Miscarriages are incredibly difficult, but outside of that I must guess that her life has been a shit show.
Your MIL is likely just trying to protect her from triggers. Don’t blame her. She’s just protecting her daughter. That said, your MIL likely knows her daughter is a f up, but wants her to feel that someone is in her corner. Hopefully she will use that to help guide her to better behavior/therapy.
I’m an old dude, and have known a lot of women who have had numerous miscarriages. It’s horrific, heartbreaking, emotionally exhausting, and affects everyone in the family. I do wish her the best, but I would keep your distance.
chululua6 writes:
NTA, you didn't force her to drink and she should have realized by label and taste that she was drinking alcohol.
Are are a bit TA for the last statement. I get why you said that, but it was super insensitive and cruel.
Everyone is so hard lined about things. It is up to you to determine the cost benefit of your next actions. If you feel the cost of apologizing is worth the benefit of keeping the peace or the opposite of the benefit of holding your boundaries is worth the cost of family being mad at you.
Only you can determine what your cost benefit analysis will be in determining your next steps. But you are NTA about defending yourself and pointing out that someone made choices. But due to sensitive nature of the consequences, that did not need to be rubbed in her face.
landplatypus writes:
NTA. You can taste when there's alcohol in something. Pregnancy does change how you taste and smell, but I've never heard anyone claim it meant they couldn't taste alcohol. If anything, it makes you more sensitive to smells and tastes.
For me, I can smell garlic being minced three rooms away and the smell of wine and beer is obnoxiously strong and very unappetizing.
Hormones do different things to different people, but even if she claimed she couldn't taste or smell the alcohol, she would've been able to feel the signs of getting drunk long before she slurred her words.
Is she often a heavy drinker? Or, does she make a big deal about how she either doesn't drink, or just drinks a specific number (like, "I only ever drink 1 drink") ...This gives me alcohol misuse vibes...
Having experienced an alcoholic family member who kept their drinking disguised, this just really reminds me of them slipping and failing to mask their drinking while in public, and coming up with a bad excuse. I hope I'm wrong.