'AITA for blocking a man after he bought me a $500+ dinner? He invited me on a date.'
"AITA for blocking a man after he bought me a $500+ dinner?"
I was invited on a date and he asked me 'What's your favorite restaurant?'. My honest answer was 'My favorite place is a bit much for a first date.' But, I did still tell him about it because, well, I thought he was cool and I truly love the place so I tell everyone about it so they'll go. I want them to stay booked and busy so they'll stay open so I can keep going.
I said that for a first date we could go somewhere more casual like this cool Mexican spot between us that has over 300 tequilas in their tequila library but is still pretty cheap when it comes to food. Amazing tacos with handmade tortillas.
But ultimately, he wanted to pick. I was trying to be helpful and make suggestions. Also we live in different parts of a big city with terrible traffic that's extremely car dependent.
My favorite restaurant, on the other hand, is about $500 for two. I take myself there sometimes after personal accomplishments or just for a treat. Sometimes I go just to have one of their James Beard award winning cocktails (lol bougie af i know) and some apps.
Well this gentleman, upon researching the menu, decides this is where he wants to take me for dinner. He really wanted to try it out. Of course I agree!
Despite the price point, it's actually a pretty chill spot (don't have to dress up) and is a great date spot (even a first date spot, if you're in a different tax bracket than me but, as far as I knew, he could be). Plus, he insisted.
For me, first dates are usually inexpensive, considering you don't know the person and the conversation is much more important than the meal. So, cut to the date. We have apps. We have drinks. We have dinner. We have conversation. We have dessert. We have a good time (from my perspective). This means we ran up a serious bill.
Pay time comes. We do the check dance, sort of. Of course, since it's a first date, I say 'Oh separate checks.' (not that I don't pay on subsequent dates. I just mean that, for the first time, when you don't know the guy, it is hard to tell if he will think a woman paying means she's uninterested).
He also says separate checks (so cool, we're on the same page). Basically at the same time. As in our words overlapped.
I won't lie I hesitated and said it after he was saying it, because he asked me out and also insisted we went there after he read the menu and really wanted to try the food. (I really want to describe menu items but it's one of those places that's so specific and also the chef uses what's local and in season so I'd kind of be revealing too much info).
So our separate checks come, no problem by me. I put my card down, he puts his down. When our server comes back to grab them, he takes my card, gives her both the checks, says he'd covering it all, LOOKS AT MY CARD INTENSELY.
It's not that I think he's some numbers savant where he was stealing my info by looking at my card (though I have bartended for years and a dumba**/genius who worked with me could memorize card numbers at a glance and then use them for online purchases til he finally got a felony).
And it wasn't even his little comment of 'Oh now I finally know your last name.' (which I of course wouldn't tell him before).
It was the game he played! He invited me on a date so I assumed he was paying. He then said separate checks, making sure I knew I was paying for myself. Then he grabbed the checks and paid it all (annoying the server and me).
I'm feeling like this was a s@*t test to see if I would pony up to a $250+ each restaurant bill. I felt like he was checking to see if I was a golddigger or something, even though I'd literally told him we shouldn't go there the first date. The place I suggested we could've had tacos and tequila flights for less than $50.
So, after I said thank you for dinner, I got in my uber, left, and blocked him. I told one of my friends this story today laughing and they told me I was actually the villain in the story.
To be clear, the issue I was freaking out about was him looking at my card and exclaiming with victory that he knows my last name. He'd actually asked my last name before and I explained that I'm a former bartender and having such a public facing job led to me being stalked (police involved, etc) so I wasn't comfortable sharing that so quickly.
I feel like everyone is caught up on the cost of dinner (including my friend who I've actually bought dinner for at this spot before) and not the fact that a man read my private information, regardless of whether I'd asked him not to.
Plus, I TIPPED. I insisted. But y'all made me feel like I should Venmo him, so I did. And no I didn't expect him to pay. I hesitated because it's the south and if you're too eager to pay,often a man will feel you don't like him at all. It's a culture thing.
Also, I'm a marketer and he's a teacher, so the idea that I'm a golddigger is wild to me. I could care less about a man's income as long as he's educated (whether formal or not), driven, and passionate.
To be honest, if you ask me my favorite restaurant while getting to know me, I'm going to tell the truth! I didn't JUST suggest the Mexican place but also why was it solely my burden to decide where we went?
Whatever. I have learned from some of y'all. And I can see how I may have just misread someone awkward. I'd also still prefer to date someone who isn't oblivious to the fact that women are cautious with their personal info for a reason. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
If someone stares that hard at my card I’d cancel it and order a replacement after the date. In case he turns out to be a scammer. Also his behaviour is off putting. NTA.
Yeah, scrutinizing her card is strange and off-putting under any circumstances.
Doing so after they've specifically discussed her boundary on personal details and concerns for safety is a red flag. Whatever the flag means--even if it just means he has a really shitty and inappropriate sense of humor--doesn't matter. An ambiguous red flag is as valid as any other.
OP's description of events shows that she interacted with this guy in a clear and straightforward manner. No prevaricating or being vague.
Dude did not behave straightforwardly. He did not respect her right to privacy and he may or may not have tried to 'test' her to see how she'd react to splitting the check on a date.
As someone who hates people who play head games, I too would ditch someone who behaved this way, immediately. It's an automatic dealbreaker. Regardless of what the guy meant by it, OP didn't like his behavior and how it made her feel. They were a total mismatch from that point on.
It shouldn't need to be said but the fact that he insisted on paying for her dinner does not obligate her to anything. The cost of the meal is irrelevant, whether it's $2 or $250. She is not indebted to him and he doesn't have to be 'nicer' to him because of how he choose to spend his own money.
It was a casual first date. Lots of those don't turn into a second date, for all kinds of reasons. It's really weird how a lot of commenters seem to think that even this low level of acquaintance gives this woman a duty to the man.
They met for the first time and he weirded her out so she ghosted him. His monetary choices are irrelevant.
I cannot imagine spending $500+ for a dinner for 2.
I don't tolerate 'tests' in relationships.
The manipulation never stops and there's always another test.
EDIT: NTA
The fact he knew WHY you were withholding your last name, and seemed to manipulate the situation to 'win' somehow, is deeply concerning.
He may not be a stalker, but he shows a flagrant disrespect for your boundary (glaring red flag number one) amd a total lack of understanding about why a woman needs to have safety concerns that men simply don't need.
I would have blocked, too. And probably more than just blocked.
ETA: NTA