Woman asks if she was wrong to call controlling fiancé an 'embarrassment.'
"AITA for calling him a 'f^%#ing embarrassment'?"
I've been seeing my fiance for 4 years now, and I came in to the relationship with 2 boys. My boys are now 12 and 9. Once a year me and the boys go to my family's vacation home with the entire family, and up until this year, my fiance did not attend.
But now that we are engaged and merging families, the family asked that he come too (they all get along great with him anyways). I explained to him prior to us coming to our family retreat that during our week stay with the family, my kids do not have a bedtime.
We do a lot of night activities, such as night swimming in the pool, karaoke, fires, nightly strolls through the neighborhood, etc etc. So during this week, my kids absolutely do not have a bedtime and this is how it has always been.
I made it clear that bedtime was not to be enforced like it was at home because this is vacation and time with family and I'm not making my kids miss out on the nightly activities. I also explained that due to this, some nights they are up until easily 11-midnight. It's once a year, it's no big deal.
So he was fully aware and please note that this is the only time I've seen this side of him that I will mention below.
We get here the first night and you can tell he is already uncomfortable with the boys staying up past their bedtime. He was stressing out because the boys were still in the pool at 10pm and he felt they should be in bed already. I reminded him at least twice that we were not enforcing a bedtime here and he let it go the first night.
The second night 9pm rolls around and the boys were still up and my fiance was dropping comments like 'you're lucky you're even still awake right now, you should be in bed.' Saying it right in front of my mom, who looked mortified that he had such an attitude. I told him to cut the f*@#ing s@*t, in private.
He tells me he thinks it's f(*^ed up and that it's going to be terrible trying to get them back on their schedule (never been an issue in the years prior). I stood firm and told him to knock it off and let it go.
But then last night my fiance starts angry sighing every single time he looks at my kids still awake and I finally pulled him aside and told him he was a f@!*ing embarrassment because he keeps saying these comments in front of my family, which leads to awkward silences and judgemental glances my way.
I warned him prior to coming here and if he had an issue that he can't control for a week then he needs to leave because he's ruining our trip with his passive aggressive BS surrounding a bedtime. He told me I'm an AH for making him feel like garbage over wanting to keep the kids on a schedule because it's 'best for them'. AITA?
Q&A with OP:
Far-Juggernaut8880 asks:
Is he often this forceful with his opinions?
Fit-Respond3512 OP responded:
Not usually, no. He will usually pull me aside in private and express concern and we work through it together. But this time around he is just trampling his way through like he should be the decision maker.
MayorCleanPants replies:
So….before you left you felt the need to reiterate to him multiple times, very clearly, that bedtimes aren’t routine on vacation. Are you sure there wasn’t a little voice in the back of your mind telling you he was likely to be really bothered by this?
ImpossibleHand5086 asks:
Info: Did you ever you know try talking to him. Instead of saying he's an embarrassment each time? Not just tell him, but talk to him?
Fit-Respond3512 OP responded:
In the beginning of the relationship I made boundaries clear on the aspect of discipline, reprimanding, etc. My kids have a full time father figure in their life (their bio dad takes them week on, week off).
I told him that if he had any problems and/or concerns that he was to come to me directly and we would find a way to work through it together for the most comfortability because I was 100% not comfortable with him setting ground rules on situations that I hadn't been informed about. He was completely okay with this.
He very bluntly said from day one that he was not trying to be the boys father and generally speaking he is very good with communicating to me if he has a problem with something. However, I've noticed a lot of conflicting opinions on his parenting versus mine in the past.
He pushes modesty to the highest degree possible and had issues with me walking around in a sports bra, which I did shoot down. My boys aren't looking at me like that and it's weird that he would think such things. Or the fact that he feels the boys should have to ask permission to eat the snacks that I purchased for them.
I don't agree with that either and there really was no compromise made there because he absolutely hates that the boys have an open door policy on my fridge. He also hates that I allow them to have drinks right before bed because then they are up using the bathroom.
So now that I mention it.. there have been a lot of issues that I have kind of overlooked in the past and turned a blind eye too. But usually he does pull me aside and bring up the issues in private whereas while we have been here he is just pushing his passive aggressiveness off in public.
Here's how people judged OP:
tatersprout writes:
NTA. I know you said this behavior is not his usual, but I would say that this is a prediction of the future with him.
He has an opinion that differs from yours. He doesn't have to agree with you, but he does have to respect your decisions. He doesn't respect you and can't control himself. He made a fool of himself and openly showed his disdain to your entire family.
Please rethink your relationship. Things may have been smooth in the past because a situation where you disagree has likely never been an issue.
From personal experience the dynamic can really change after the wedding. 40 years ago I went from having a mom and her fun boyfriend, to a mom and a step dad who thought he had to become a parent overnight. How will he deal with adjusting schedules as they kids age? If he’s already acting like this, I really wonder how he will be with the added level of marriage.
Edited to add: Holy sh*t, I read more of ops comments, and he’s all bad news, no bears. Controlling clothing, already expressing different parenting views.
VeterinarianAbject23 writes:
This is not a good sign for your future nuptials.
Take a long hard look at his actions right now trying to establish dominance with your family watching with only a temporary ring on your finger. What is his personality going to be like once the forever ring is on and he suddenly thinks he is 'The Man' of the house and tries to override ALL your decisions?