'AITA for refusing to give my newlywed niece the down payment for a house?'

"AITA for refusing to give my newlywed niece the down payment for a house?"

My (M54) niece “Sierra” (F25) is an only child and she just got married about three months ago. My sister (F58) admitted to me that she and her husband paid over $35,000 for her wedding at a venue on the coast. They had to dip into their home equity for most of that money.

My wife (F53) and I make significantly more than my sister and her husband, but we live well within our means. We do splurge on once-a-year vacations and paid for our kids’ educations, but that’s it.

We even cap how much we’re allowed to spend on each other for our birthdays or Christmas, etc.

When our children (M30, M28, F24) got engaged, we offered to either pay for their dream wedding or host their wedding at my parents’ lake house and gift them the balance for a down-payment on their own homes.

About the lake house, my parents are deceased. My sister and I own it, renting it out most of the time and splitting the money (it's more than maintenance costs/taxes/fees, etc., but not much more).

All three of our children took us up on the offer, so all three are homeowners. This kind of nuked our accrued savings for a bit, but we’ve built back up a sizable amount of since then and we’re glad to help our kids get a solid financial base in life.

My sister told me she offered the same deal to Sierra, but Sierra wanted her dream wedding. I thought she was crazy, but she’s not my daughter so its none of my business.

Well, it became my business. Apparently, Sierra’s been stewing over the last couple of months after my daughter and her husband hosted their first “Family Fourth of July” at their new home.

It’s not “new”, as it was built 40 years ago, but it’s solid, has lots of room, a huge backyard, and my son in law has been working overtime with very impressive DIY projects.

My sister told me Sierra had asked them for a down-payment so they could get a house. After paying Sierra’s college tuition/expenses and her wedding, they’re tapped out. I had a feeling Sierra would show up on my doorstep and that’s exactly what she did.

Sierra and her husband showed up with a cake (my wife loves cakes). She told us about their honeymoon, how she loves being married, and how much she looks forward to giving us grand-nieces and grand-nephews.

The whole time her husband is looking more and more uncomfortable. As soon as Sierra said, “I just wish we could buy a house like my cousins,” I just shook my head and said, “No, Sierra, we’re not giving you the down-payment.”

She just froze for a moment, then asked me why not? We had the money, and we could even make it a loan that they would pay back if we wanted. I told her I don’t loan money to family members. If I put money in a family member’s hand, it’s a gift. Life is just easier that way.

I reminded Sierra that my kids have homes because instead of blowing $35,000 on a dream wedding, they spent far less to get married at their grandparents’ lake house so the money they would have spent went to their down-payment.

I also reminded her that her mother offered her the same deal, but she refused because she wanted her wedding to be, in her own words, “better than theirs”.

Most importantly, I said that I’m not going to disrespect my own children’s wise financial decisions by rewarding her foolish decision. When she asked what was foolish, I said, “All you were thinking about was the wedding. My kids were thinking about their marriages.”

Of course, this upset Sierra and she left in tears. Her husband apologized but I’m not sure if it was because she was crying, they were leaving in such an awkward way, or if he thought Sierra was wrong.

Anyway, my sister said that she agrees with me but said I’m an AH because I was so blunt about it. I’ll admit that I am blunt while my sister sugarcoats everything.

FWIW, my wife, kids, and BIL (Sierra's father) are in complete agreement but the consensus does seem to be that it's not what I said, but how I said it.

ETA: My kids joke that I'm as subtle as a sledgehammer. I guess that's why I'm here. Was being as blunt as I was make me the AH? Anyway, AITAH?

Here were the top comments and responses:

Shortaru

NTA - You gave her a much needed lesson in the consequences of choices. If you want to talk about AH behavior, Sierra wanting to "one up" YOUR children on the wedding and then use YOUR money to pay for her petty move is the height of asshole behavior. She deserved every word you said and then some.

Vvvvhonestopinion

NTA. Like you said. She had a choice between a wedding and a house. She chose the wedding. A lot of people don't like it when you tell them the truth.

In this case, she needs to be told the truth. You don’t want her to think that she has any hope in the future to get money from you. To put it even more bluntly, NO CHANCE IN HECK.

KindaCompetent

NTA. why are you here? No one thinks you're one, do you?

Dazzling_Wishbone_99

Not the AH! Seems like she’s been coddled and needed someone to be blunt with her. Congrats on being financially wise and being a great father by passing that knowledge on to your kids

Emptynest_nana

NTA Talk about some serious entitlement going on. Even if OP was blunt, I have a feeling it was the first time anyone gave this spoiled girl a reality check, one that was long overdue.

SnooWords4839

NTA - Your niece isn't entitled to your money.

SilentFlower8909

NTA. Niece literally wanted her cake and it too. She got her dream wedding and a fabulous honeymoon. Now, the entitled b wants help with a down payment for a home?!😂 Her entitlement is on steroids.