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Woman leaves boyfriend for 'that guy she told you not to worry about.' AITA? + UPDATE

Woman leaves boyfriend for 'that guy she told you not to worry about.' AITA? + UPDATE

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"AITA for dating a guy I told my ex not to worry about?"

ThrowRAMovedOn2Q

So 3 months ago I (21F) went out to a club as it was student night, which means £2.50 drinks. I went out with a big group of girls. While out, I met a (M, 23M).

I don’t remember exactly how or why we started talking but he was talking to me and my friend, and while we were talking he realised his friend had walked off. So, me and my friend told him to stay with us and hang out.

We ended up spending the rest of our time there with him and though he was talking to my friend too, me and him really clicked well. We were both in relationships though and made it clear this wasn’t some hook up thing, even showing each other pics of our partners.

But as the night went on and we got drunker, I admit it sort of feel like our interactions did sort of border on flirty. Some examples are; If were walking through our crowded area we would hold hands so we didn’t get separated. I danced with him a lot again holding hands (no grinding or anything).

I did hug him a lot and at one point he picked me up during a hug and I wrapped my legs around him and this caused my skirt to roll up, and he like rolled it back down for me when he put me down.

I pretended to be his gf to get rid of a girl who was pesting him by saying “could you not flirt with my boyfriend” and kissing him on the cheek and then like holding onto his shoulder.

At the end of the night when I had to leave, I hugged him goodbye, and we sort of accidentally kissed. By that I mean we both tried to kiss each other on the cheek at the same time and our lips touched. This was an ACCIDENT and we both apologised and it was awkward.

The week after me and him ended up texting quite regularly, and we arranged (it was my idea) to have both our friend groups meet, so we could hang out again, and we had good chemistry so we thought our friends probably would too.

Well it went great, and now our friend groups are mixed and I have a bunch of new friends. Two of his friends have ended up dating 2 of my friends, one of them even being bf and gf. Unfortunately though, my boyfriend was less then happy about M.

He didn’t like that we texted, he hated the story of how we met, which I got as I can see how from the outside it looks sus even though our intentions were innocent. I did introduce the two of them, and they seemed to get on well and were laughing around together. But, then later that night my bf started slagging him off for no reason which caused me to argue because he was being fake.

About two weeks ago, M broke up with his gf. I’m not sure the exact details, I think they just sort of fizzled out due to being at different stages in life (she wanted kids, he wasn’t ready).

When my boyfriend found out he told me he didn’t want me to text or be friends with him anymore, as he was now single. I said I’m not going to cut him off when he’s going through a hard time, and that the idea that I now all of a sudden can’t be friends with someone just because they are single is ridiculous.

My boyfriend wouldn’t accept that and said if I carried on being friends with him, he would break up with me. So, I broke up with him then and there as I was tired of him acting jealous and controlling.

On Thursday, I got a text from my friend who is in a relationship with one of M's friends. She said her, and my other friend (who’s dating one of his friends) were going to London on Friday for a trip, and asked if me and M wanted to come.

I texted him and he said his friend had asked him the same question, and we both agreed we’d go. When we got there things were different than I anticipated and it definitely felt like a triple date.

We did Mini Golf, and then went for food and a cocktail bar, and at the end of the night we decided to stay in London as we didn’t manage to fit in everything we wanted to do. We all got hotel rooms, and me and M got one too, with 2 beds in the room. However we ended up sharing a bed and making out a bit.

The next day we went out to Camden food market, and then to Babylon park (a giant arcade). We decided to stay another night, and this time me and M had to get a room with one bed as there was no double rooms. We went to a club and then back to the room. We ended up hooking up a little bit again.

The next morning I woke up to like 50 messages from my ex, calling me a liar and a cheat and saying he knew that I was away on a triple date. I told him I was single and could do what I want.

He kept accusing me of cheating with M, saying its weird after a 3 year relationship for me to move on in two weeks with a guy we had fought about and who I said wasn’t a problem. I told him M wasn’t the problem, he was the problem, and that if he hadn’t been so jealous none of this would of happened.

He kept accusing me of gaslighting him, and just being dramatic so I blocked him. I told M and the two couples we were with and they said he was just being pathetic and that everything was above board. But, some of our other friends say I’m wrong for moving on so soon and to do so with M. Am I?

Here were the top rated comments from readers after the initial post:

Goku9909

You started an emotional affair, gaslit the shit out of your BF about it, then hooked up with the guy the minute after you had an excuse to break up with your BF. You suck big time.

z0rm

Yes you're obviously the AH, you cheated on your boyfriend with a stranger at a club and then prioritized this stranger over your boyfriend. Hope your ex finds someone that respects him.

ChallengeFlat7795

Yeah, definitely for the streets. You cheated, then forced a break up to go further. Your actions that first night with M showed your lack of commitment to your ex and the relationship. Your ex deserves better, so at least you did him that favor. He'll realise this soon.

The OP responded here:

ThrowRAMovedOn2Q

I didn’t cheat, and why would I have any commitment to my ex if we’re not together?

Separate-Week7575

YAW, this doesn’t seem like unwarranted jealousy, you meet a guy on a night out that you seem more or less over the moon about compared to your boyfriend. One, I just don’t feel that if you are in a committed relationship you should be acting to flirty with people and that could just be me but you took it a step beyond that with a dude you meet that same night.

Then you did proceed to keep home in you life as much as possible until you finally got a reason to break up with you boyfriend and then nobody likes it when a serious partner moves on instantly.

It really challenges the idea you were committed at all just like this whole story, there is a thousand better was you could have handled this than dismissing his normal feelings are writing him off as controlling and toxic, if anyone is its you.

The next day, the OP returned with an update.

"Update: AITA for dating a guy I told my ex not to worry about?"

ThrowRAMovedOn2Q

So yesterday me and M went for a late meal (like 8pm ish) and had a talk. We agreed that we both really like each other, and want to give it a shot, so we have decided to be exclusive while we see where this goes. He stayed round mine last night, and I did sleep with him. It was amazing.

I am seriously happy, and excited for the future. Afterwards we spontaneously booked a holiday to Cyprus just the two of us, and we leave on Monday (he is half Greek Cypriot, half Jamaican, and has a villa out there, so we just needed flights).

As for my two friends who thought I should have waited, I drafted a text, with help from a user in DMs and sent it to them both in a group chat.

It says:

"Hi girls. I know you have been disappointed in my actions, and feel it was a bad look to move on so quickly. I know you care deeply about me, and just want whats best for me and for me to make good decisions for myself. I do feel like I want to clear up what happened a little/my thought process.

What you need to understand is, in the moment of the ultimatum, I saw two paths ahead of me. One where I spend the rest of my 20's in J’s bedroom, watching him smoke weed and play Xbox, begging him to go on a date, and only getting attention when he wants to be intimate.

Then I saw one where I stayed friends with M, and we all got to hang out as a big group, and go to events, go play golf, go on our holidays etc. I knew then and there that the relationship was done.

I didn't just choose M over J. I chose this life, where we all get to hang out together and actually live and have fun vs just me and J sitting in and doing nothing all the time. It wasn't just a choice between M and J, it was a choice for all of you, and the life we've built these last few months vs J.

As for how quickly I moved on, you both know I had been unhappy for a long time, and there was only so long that I could beg for him to change before giving up. To you, it might seem like I lost my feelings for him over night, but truthfully, this has been building since the start of this year.

I have begged, pleaded, cried for him to change, and unfortunately he never did. All he ever wanted to do is smoke weed and that was it. By the time he threatened to end it, I had already mourned the relationship 100 times. He had already spent all my tears. He had already drained me emotionally.

And I had no more emotions left to give him. Breaking up with him wasn’t heartbreaking, it was liberating. That is why I did not feel the need to wait. I love you both so much, and I hope you can be happy for me, but if not that is your decision."

My friends replied and said they know that I was unhappy, and that they think I made the right decision, and that they’re happy for me. They said sorry for coming across as judgemental, that it wasn’t their intention and they were just worried I was making a rash decision.

We are all meeting tonight, just us girls, and we’re going out for for a meal and some drinks and put all this behind us for good. Then I’ll be going to Mississippi for the first time, to meet his parents which I’m excited about.

My ex is staying blocked, and I doubt I’ll ever see or hear from him again as he never leaves his room, so that is the end of that, and I’m closing that miserable chapter of my life for good.

Thank you for everyone who gave me helpful advice, thank you for the user who DMd me, and helped me draft that message, and thank you even to all the haters, who helped me practice fleshing out my beliefs/reasonings and defend my actions.

Without you I wouldn’t of found the words for that text. I doubt I’ll use this account again, as I got what I wanted from it. Goodbye reddit:)

Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's update:

rissaroni_19

Lmaooooo for the streets 😂 Your man cheated before and he'll cheat again, but not if you cheat first I guess since that's y'all's thing anyway. It's like a fun contest!!! Two lowlifes aw, y'all deserve each other 🥹

Merihem1990

Honestly, her comments on the first post denying at the least an emotional affair are hilarious to read now we've got the second half.

drfrink85

she was/is DEEP in denial. even in some magical world where hugging and kissing isn't standard cheating, her ex thought it was and that's what mattered. getting ultra defensive in the comments didn't help her case lol.

drfrink85

OP was totally having an emotional affair at least. I've been the ex in this situation, and even if (all of sudden) he was a total piece of shit, he was right.

nustedbut

That's just standard cheating, right? She was in a relationship, found someone she liked more, started facilitating that relationship, and jumped when she knew it was something worth pursuing.

theseanbeag

The mental gymnastics needed to cheat on your boyfriend and make him the bad guy for being jealous is Olympic level.

So, do you think the OP used a minor fight as an excuse to leave her boyfriend for this new man? Do you think she did anything wrong?

Sources: Reddit,Reddit
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