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Woman has a dream about Adam Driver; leads to real life break up with fiance. UPDATED

Woman has a dream about Adam Driver; leads to real life break up with fiance. UPDATED

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My (26F) fiancé (28M) told me I wouldn’t be able to pull anyone else and I’m offended. How do I manage my emotions?

Me and my fiancé have been together for almost 5 years, engaged for 6 months. We’ve never had issues where one of us was mad for a long time until this, and he, my mom and friends think that I’m overreacting.

I had a dream some nights ago that I ended up dating a famous actor by accident. We’ve both had dreams where crazy things happened and told each other about it. I told him in the morning, and we laughed about it, however, he made a comment about how my dreams are always extremely delusional.

I asked him to elaborate, thinking it would be something funny, and instead was met with a comment about how I wouldn’t be capable of pulling someone half as attractive as said actor, let alone him.

I was taken aback, and he doubled down and told me to be realistic, that most men wouldn’t even look my way because I look like I’m already taken and stopped looking interesting some time ago, and now even more with the engagement.

I told him that I don’t want any men to look my way, but the implication of his words hurt me. He told me it was irrelevant because we’re together and I wouldn’t leave him, and to stop being offended over something I asked, and left.

For the record, my weight, hair and general appearance have stayed the same, and I’m lowkey high maintenance, so this isn’t me letting go or something.

I called my mom for reassurance, and she agreed I was overreacting. I called my friends for the same purpose and was met with the same response. I feel very hurt because I love my fiancé and find him very attractive, and I know other people do.

I am grateful that he chose to be with me, and that makes me value him even more. I thought he thought the same about me, but apparently he thinks I wouldn’t ever leave him because I can’t pull anybody? That somehow is making me feel like he doesn’t value me as I do. And worst of all, that I may be wrong for how I feel but can’t control it.

Am I overreacting? If so, how can I manage this so this doesn’t affect us long term? It’s been almost a week and he is still being short with me because “I look like I’m miserable about a petty thing.” I just want things to go back to normal.

ETA: The actor was Adam Driver, I’ve had a few DMs asking this. In case it is relevant.

ETA2: My closest friend group is a 4 girls group, where I’m the only one with a relationship/that has been in one. Another detail someone messaged me to include. I do have other friends, but I haven’t told them anything given the response I got from my closest circle.

Finally, I have a loooong history of being super sensitive. I’ve cried over minor things my whole life, which is why is not surprising for my closest ones to immediately call me out on it. I’m on therapy addressing that, my pushover nature and my self esteem issues.

Thank you to everyone that has commented and given me support and reassurance. I will be forcing him to talk to me today, to see if this is in any way salvageable or if I just lost half a decade of my life lol.

The comments were fully in favor of this woman breaking up with her fiance and trying to find her real life Adam Driver.

McKittenMan

I don't know what your friends or mom are on. But I think that is an AH of a comment to make to your future wife:

Be happy you're with me because you wouldn't be able to pull anyone else.

That's an insult if you ask me.

Maybe I could have got past it if he apologized afterwards, instead he doubled down and said you're overreacting and should get over it.

OP

I felt insulted! However they insist that he is just being playful, and that I take things too personally. They also implied that it’s irrelevant too, because I’m taken and don’t need to pull anyone per se.

AuntyVenom

"that most men wouldn’t even look my way because I look like I’m already taken and stopped looking interesting some time ago, and now even more with the engagement."

Um, what? You stopped looking interesting some time ago...? Sounds like he's trying to dent your self esteem, tbh, so you do think you can't do better & never leave him.

Pretty negging thing of him to say, kind of demeaning to you as a woman. Interesting that your mom says you're overreacting; where you raised by someone who also tried to take you down a notch?

OP

My parents never took me down in terms of appearance, but they do think I take everything personally and don’t let go petty stuff.

Songof

Adam Driver is a regular looking man. Do I think he’s attractive? Hell yes I do. Do I think he wouldn’t be sleeping with “mid” women if he weren’t famous? Hell no. The man looks like if a dog turned into a human.

Your fiancé sucks. Your mom sucks. Your friends suck. I’m seeing a pattern here and you’re not the problem. Having a wet dream about an actor does NOT mean you deserve ridicule. Being engaged does NOT give your partner the right to belittle you.

He thinks you can’t leave him? Prove him wrong.

A little later, and OP returned with an update. Watch out Adam Driver.

Hi everyone, I’ve been getting messages regarding my previous post and also people asking how I’m doing. I’m doing good, and I would like to thank everyone who took the time to comment, reassure me and even share resources for me.

The TL/DR is that I’m going into the holidays as a single woman. Did try to talk it out and solve it like adults but my ex was uncooperative and childish, to say the least.

For those of you who want the details here goes:

First, you gave me the courage to reach out to my other friends outside my closest circle, and they were shocked by what happened and told me not to brush it off.

They echoed many of your comments, and even called it negging too. Also, my therapist backed up my feelings and said I needed a straight-up chat with my partner and to set some clear boundaries and decide what’s best for me and what I wish to enforce as my non-negotiables.

Second, I did follow someone’s advice and started going out more with my supportive friends. My birthday actually fell in between these dates and I decided to celebrate it by bar hopping in my city and it went great.

My ex was invited (we were still together at that point) and was sulking the whole time because I did get external attention (which I shut down).

Finally, what happened with my now ex. After talking with my therapist, I did explain my feelings to him again and reiterated that those comments will not be tolerated if we were to continue in the relationship.

I also said we needed counseling as a couple because this could stem from insecurities from both sides. He did not apologize, but rather justified his actions under three arguments, and yes, these came from a 28 year old man:

I do look less interesting, and it’s unfair to use my birthday as an example of me attracting anyone because I was “catfishing” as a younger woman, as the girls I invited are mostly 22-24.

Adam Driver (the actor I dreamt about) is taller than him. We’re both 5’7 and he is insecure about it, so dreaming with people taller than him is disrespectful and emasculating.

Even if (his words) I’m objectively attractive, ever since I started therapy I became “cocky” and “more demanding”, so he took the chance to “bring me back to earth”.

All of this was a shock to me, I felt as if the man I was with for the last five years was not there anymore.

This was a complete 180 from what he was before, and I do believe is a mix of “slipping off the mask” after the engagement and the fact that he changed jobs to a male dominated corporation and those new friends did give me a weird vibe regarding their stance on women and equality.

Regardless of what prompted this change, I ended it. Returned the ring, packed a bag with my essentials I had at his place and left while he threw a tantrum.

He was super uncooperative in returning some of my remaining stuff, he sent things in trash bags full of glitter and won’t let me enter his apartment anymore. He also sent me all of the star wars movies with Adam Driver in them broken and destroyed, lol.

This made all of the pain I felt almost immediately disappear, which feels weird because I did love him and it was a long relationship, yet I grieved for like a week only. I did count my losses and just accepted some things I won’t get back, blocked him and haven’t heard or seen him since. Thank God it’s a big city.

My immediate circle of friends was cut off, as they valued more going to a wedding than my well-being. I’m LC with my mom, and am being supported by my dad and siblings.

I’ve continued therapy, did a Friendsgiving celebration and I’m bracing myself for the holidays with my family. I’m mostly okay, relearning to be on my own, to validate my feelings and currently debating whether to send a thank you card to Adam Driver. Thanks everyone for reading, happy holidays!

Here were the top comments on the triumphant update.

Icy_Fox_907

I remember the original post and I am SO HAPPY to see you stood up for yourself!! It really sucks having to break off an engagement but it’s so much better to go forward alone than stick around after that kind of disrespect.

In the end you’re never really going to know why he started being so disrespectful so don’t waste time on trying to figure it out. Put your time into making more progress in your own life.

Oh and btw, Etsy has coffee mugs that say “step on my neck Adam Driver you rudely large man” for a good price.

Corfiz74

Oooh, so the little woman was getting uppity when she was figuring out her own worth, and had to be brought back to heel! 🙄 So glad you kicked him to the curb, I bet your therapist did a secret little happy dance. I hope you'll continue therapy, and will end up in a relationship that's based on mutual admiration and validation and no red-pill bs!

FartMasterChamp

So happy for you! I'm so glad you cut those toxic people off too. You have a good head on your shoulders and you're gonna be amazing without this ah dragging you down. Congratulations on your freedom and happy holidays!

BigPharmaWorker

Wow, what a piece of work your ex was, but I’m glad he’s an ex and not your current fiancée any longer. There are approximately 8 billion people in the world and he has the audacity to say you wouldn’t be able to pull in anyone else?

What an insecure little man! Lucky for you his facade slipped and he showed his true colors before you actually married him. Bravo 👏

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