Woman ends relationship after boyfriend gives her cruise tickets for her birthday. + Update
"I found tickets for a cruise that my bf got me. This gift has cemented for me that this relationship is over."
Helpful-Minimum8496
My birthday is coming up in a few months and 3 days ago, I found out what my birthday present was which are tickets to a cruise. His sister spilled the news thinking I would be excited and I'm not. We live together and I found the gift and know it's for me. I sound so ungrateful but I'm not. This gift just proves to me that things will never change.
The first thing is this gift isn't for me. I do not like cruises because I get really bad sea sickness and nothing I do helps. I also told him what I wanted to do for my birthday which was go to a Renfaire festival on my birthday.
I have already taken the week off from work for it in preparation to go this fair. I have purchased tickets and am saving month to month so that I have spending money without it affecting finances at home.
Why would he book tickets the same time as the time I took off to go to this festival. Also this cruise wasn't cheap at all so it's bascially wasted money because I'm not going.
I'm so annoyed. I have told him time and time again that I dont feel like he listens to me, that I feel like he just gets me things by thinking about what's best for him or what he would like.
It's not only gifts. He makes decisions based on what he thinks is best and I just cant deal with it anymore. I love him but I'm so done and before anyone says I didn't talk to him or to talk to him about this, I have repeatedly. This has been a recurring conversation in our 2.5 year relationship. The next thing to do is talk this out and end things.
Edit:
I appreciate the comments and concern about cheating but I know the gift is for me because it was in really nice packaging that said "Happy Birthday (my name)" and the bag had like cruise ship related items and possible excursions.
The effort he went to, it made me sad because that means he could have put in a little effort about the things I like. If he had even just gotten me a ticket for the Renfaire festival or accessories from online or even a piece of an outfit that had to do with Renfaire.
It would have made my entire month. It would have meant that he listened and got me something that interested me. I'm talking to him tonight, and I'm not even annoyed anymore. I feel nothing about this.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
gurlwithdragontat2
Well this is kind of the risk of these behaviors, they will continue until you opt out. It’s evident this gift is for him, and more about what he feels like doing. Because on what planet would you ’gift’ someone they won’t be able to enjoy?
That’s the thing about other people, they’ll encourage ‘keeping the peace’ not taking into account how it affects you. As long as everyone else experiences as little discomfort as possible.
I would not theme my diabetic family members party ‘Candy Land’ and exclusively serve candy, soda, and alcohol. I would be putting them in a situation to ‘be thankful’ even though it’s something they cannot enjoy, or be ‘ungrateful.’ When in reality, putting them in the situation at all was a selfish decision.
beingleigh
100% - I bet after she breaks up with him, he'll go around telling everyone all the "great" things he did for her, however ungrateful she was about his "thoughtful gift".
probably_an_asshole9
I think the fact that he knows you have plans for the day of your birthday, and has deliberately double booked you after the fact, is a much bigger red flag than the obviously bad present.
DeCryingShame
I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I would be pissed if a partner got me tickets to something that made me sick. Once or twice I might overlook it but with this being an ongoing thing, I would definitely be feeling the same way.
RussNY
He really wanted to go on the cruise, your festival wouldn’t matter to him. Good luck young lady.
Three days later, the OP returned with an update.
"Update- I ended my relationship with my ex who bought me cruise tickets for my birthday."
Helpful-Minimum8496
The day I wrote my post is the day I ended things with my ex. When he came home, I bascially said I found the tickets for the cruise and I asked him who they were for. He said they were for me for my birthday and i ruined the surprise.
I asked him why did he get me tickets for a cruise when he knows that I get sea sick and also when he knows that I have been preparing for a Renfaire Festival for a couple of months.
He said that he always liked cruises when he went on them and he thought that I could push through it with patches or some other remedy because it was a really expensive cruise. He continued talking but to be honest, I spaced out because I realized just how much this man didn't care about me.
He bought cruise tickets completely disregarding what I had planned, how I would feel, and what i wanted to do all because he liked them. Like forget my birthday, forget what I want, forget how sick i get.
He likes cruises so we should do that. I think he realized I wasn't speaking or excited because he asked me what was wrong and I broke up with him. He was shocked and angry and he asked why.
This isn't the exact wording but I said something like, "It's because I have realized how much you really don't care about me and that you're always willing to put your wants over mine everytime it suits you, even on my birthday." He started to argue and wanted to talk about it but I was just numb and went to bed on the couch. After 2 hours of trying to speak to me, he left me alone.
I woke up the next day and got ready for work. I oddly felt fine and he wanted to talk but I just said I'm done and if he wanted to talk about the apartment or what we would do about the lease or anything regarding the end of the relationship, I'm ok with that.
I told him I'm not changing my mind about this and for me, this relationship is done and I just want to split amicably. While I was at work that day, I had free time and I wrote down every instance I could remember just in the last 6 months of him choosing his wants/needs over mine.
It was nearly three pages front to back and I didnt even realize how much I let go off because he didn't want to do it. When I went home and he tried to talk again, I gave him the list and I explained what it was. He left me alone the rest of the second night.
He's still not accepting the breakup. He wants to do couples therapy now or even go on a break because he realizes how much he has done but NOPE, I'm not doing it. I'm not trying to be mean or harsh to him but I don't want to give him false hope.
I also feel weirdly ok but also numb at the same time. What I have to deal with now is breaking the lease which he isn't willing to do because he thinks we can move past this. So im going to talk to the leasing office and see my options. At least I have my birthday to look forward to as I deal with a relationship ending and having to find a new place to live.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
ACM915
The reason you’re OK with it is because you know deep down that it’s the right thing to do and the two of you are not compatible for a long-term future.
vialenae
I’m not surprised he didn’t accept the breakup. He still doesn’t listen to her, even at the end. I totally understand her feeling numb and being weirdly ok with it. She’s over it, it’s done and there is no going back. Good for her and I hope she’s had an amazing birthday doing things she enjoys.
sowinglavender
That 'weirdly okay' feeling is basically physiological evidence that this was the right decision for her. Your gut knows.
Tattedtail
Good on OP. I had a similar moment with an ex I lived with. This blanket of "I'm done, no thoughts left to give" settled over me. My only regret was not breaking up years earlier (when my mum floated the idea to me after some selfish thing he did).
But I guess sticking it out did teach me a lot about myself - the treatment I want vs the treatment I'll settle for, and some very large blind spots. My ex was also very "let's keep trying! Think about all that sunk cost!!". I moved out before I dumped him, because I knew he'd never leave if I was still there paying the bills...
BendingCollegeGrad
"I asked him why did he get me tickets for a cruise when he knew that I get sea sick and also when he knew that I have been preparing for a Renfaire Festival for a couple of months. He said that he always liked cruises when he went on them and he thought that I could push through it with patches or some other remedy because it was a really expensive cruise."
Translation: I like cruises so you like cruises. I gave an idle 2.5 seconds of thought into your getting seasick when I booked this very expensive cruise I know you will like. Now that you asked me directly I vaguely remember once hearing some kind of patch fixed seasickness?
I do not want to go to a Renaissance Faire. Even for your birthday. You like this gift because I spent money and because I like cruises. Wait what do you mean I do not listen?! I remembered your birthday!
Good for OP. Hope her ex takes the L and just moves on. He is saying he wants to work on a relationship with her when he doesn’t even know who she is/refuses to believe she is her own person.