I (f30) caught my sister (f40) cheating on her husband (m49) with a guy (m40). I was shocked because my sister and her husband are the epitome for love that never dies. Literally. They have been together for 15 years and they still look so much in love, the way they treat each other.
I felt anger and despair because I love my BIL like a big brother and he has been there for my sister when she has been her worst mentally. He was there taking care of her without ever once complaining.
So, when I found out, I confronted her and she tried to deny it. I told her that she was pathetic and said she must feel good about herself. After her husband nursed her back to health, she is repaying him with cheating on him.
I told her I was going to expose her and she was begging me and crying, telling me I didn’t understand. She said, “Please don’t hurt us, you will be hurting my husband more than you hurt me.” After a few days she asked to meet me.
She looked like she was crying the whole time. She told me that she has been keeping her husband’s secret but she wanted to tell me and made me promise not to tell anyone. Her husband is impotent and he hasn’t slept with her for the majority of their relationship.
I didn’t believe her. So, she showed me all the texts and emails she had with her husband, her therapist and her diary. He hasn’t touched her for almost 12 years. Her depression was because of it and her “path back to health” was because of this new guy. She said that, since she started sleeping with him, she has been happier and, by extension, her husband has been happier.
I asked her why she doesn’t just tell her husband. She said that she couldn’t because she loves him and she couldn’t hurt him. She is afraid he would be so lonely without her because he always said he had no one else in this world and he would die without her. She said, “Don’t you see that we are all happy? Please don’t hurt us.”
About the guy. She met him through work and actually he is kind of a famous entrepreneur in our city. She showed me texts etc. he is also married but he has three children. He has the same problem im regard to there being no intimacy in his marriage.
Yesterday, she asked me to meet her. She was with the other man. The audacity. She looked totally broken and he looked smug and angry. But, he didn’t even want to look at me. She asked me to think of all the people that would be hurt if this came out and she said that they will end their affair and promised to never do it again.
He got upset and said “Or we could just tell everyone and stop hiding”. She got angry and told him to shut up. I don’t know what to do. She said that she kept her husband’s secret because he is embarrassed and he is very possessive and jealous. I have noticed he is the jealous type, so he didn’t agree to an open marriage.
She swore it was over with this other guy too and showed me texts where they had a huge fight because he actually thinks I should tell her husband so they could be together. But I just don’t know. He has given her a Cartier love ring that she still has and when I confronted her she said she couldn’t throw an expensive ring but she will donate it. She wears it in a chain underneath her clothes.
I’m sorry this is getting long, but I wanted to include all details. I truly hope you can give me an honest judgment. Would I be the asshole if I told my sister’s husband? I think this whole thing is wrong and the cheated parties need to know the truth but I know it will hurt my BIL.
NTA, "he looked smug and angry", he is not in a sexless marriage, he is just a cheater that has been caught and is challenging you to tell. "She looked totally broken" because she is a cheater that was caught. Both of their spouses have the right to know what is going in. Your BIL did not agree to an open marriage, and I doubt her lover's wife did either.
Yup. She is probably upset she will lose the AP when his wife finds out.
Are you ready for your relationship with her to be over? Recently, a guy posted because his sister told his wife about his affair, messy divorce, he cut her off. It's been about a decade and she wants to reconnect and he wanted to know if he was TA for refusing. Ultimately, just be prepared for that.
Had exact same thought. OP is likely to end up the villain. Her parents might even side with the sister. Life isn't Reddit where people feel that "dying on the moral high ground" is the only way. In the real world people often blame the messenger, and their position is "why didn't you just leave it alone!"
YWNBTA. It's really very simple. Relationships are only consenting so long as all parties involved have full disclosure about all sexual, and romantic partners. Her husband is currently in a relationship where his consent is being violated, because he is not aware of the fact that his partner has other sexual and romantic partners.
Even with seeing those texts, and emails, all you really know about their relationship is what your sister has chosen to show you. Which may not be the full story. Personally if I were in that position I would tell her she has one week to figure out how she is going to tell him, or I would be telling him.
I just want to come here and update everyone that I have told my BIL about the affair. I have read all your comments and thank you very much for the insight. I had to do what would make me sleep at night. I love my sister but she must’ve known that I couldn’t just live with the guilt.
I have been cheated on by someone I loved and I know how shitty and selfish you must be to cheat. I also know that if I could do it again, I would want to know this time too because while the pain was enormous, I still feel lucky now that I found out.
My sister has called me like 20 times but I didn’t answer. She texted me, “Do you feel better right now? How could you do this to me? I loved you, you ruined my life” I didn’t answer her.
I wanted to answer her that she was the one who ruined her life but I didn’t answer her. My parents are shocked and angry but not with me. BIL called and told them everything and he talked about plans that maybe my sister and he will move back to his hometown.
He is devastated and broken. I hope they can move on from this together or separately, it doesn’t matter. But that they move on and find real happiness and not at the cost of other people like it is now.
OP, You did the right thing. As for your sister’s, “you ruined my life” comment, it’s obvious she still hasn’t come to accept that she chose to cheat on her husband and that she ruined her own life.
As already said - you are a tremendous AH. I suggest everyone checks OPs comment history. The BIL physically assaulted her sister and when the sister went into hiding (keeping the location from both bil and her own family), the whole family supported her BIL because OPs sister “was making HIS life hell”.
By hiding her location! BIL has also said that he would “die without her”. The BIL shows every sign of a domestic abuser, yet the sister’s family always rally behind him. I really hope this doesn’t end in a tragedy.
This will likely be downvoted into oblivion, but here we go. As seen in other comments, this is a very problematic OP, who is leaving out a huge part of the story as seen in their prior posts. The BIL is a massive dbag abuser.
He could have fing unalived the sister over this, sh!!!t like that happens literally every day. Cheating isn't the right thing to do, but in this case, telling on your sister so "you can sleep better at night" is sanctimonious bull.
How the hell could you have even lived with yourself if he had hurt her over this? She's your sister, sister. You sh!!!t the bed on this one, and if I were you, I would sort out my priorities and ask for forgiveness. Op, YTA x100.
Honestly, you should. Text her back and say “No, you ruined your own life by cheating on your husband. You messed up the minute you decided cheating was what was best for all parties, when really it only benefited you and your AP. Take this as your much needed lesson in personal responsibility and actions have consequences. I still love you, but I am very disappointed in the selfish person you have become.”
Still getting a lot of messages about an update about my sister and her situation. I thank you for being so sympathetic and worried about my sister. I might have painted my brother in law to be abusive to my sister and I regret that.
I just wanted to be as transparent as I could because they’re not here to tell their side of the story so I was trying to do my best to take in my sister’s and her husband’s POV.
They are fine. My brither in law is very hurt and destroyed but he assured me that he wasn’t angry with me and that I did the right thing. Truth hurts sometimes is what he said. He’s planning on taking a break from his work and maybe go back home for a while. My sister is fine and not hurt.
She doesn’t talk to me and I get that, but she is not harmed in anyway more than her heart. But, let’s face it it, it was all her own doing and I think she knows that because that’s what she told my parents.
Her husband has suggested that they moved back to his hometown because I don’t think he can trust her staying in the same city as her lover, and as he said he can’t follow and spy on her all his life, but he is willing to forgive her because he loves her.
My parents are very angry with my sister. They are not angry with me, however. The only thing they thought I could have done differently is that I should have told them before I told my brother-in-law, because then they could have determined their own way to make my sister admit what she’s done to her husband. At least it would have come from her.
As her lover, I don’t know he’s married as I said in my previous post. I don’t have the details, but I know that my brother-in-law has texted him and told him to keep away from his wife. I have been on both his and his wife’s Instagram accounts and it seems like the wife knows now.
I don’t know if she will take him back or not I have been on both his and his wife’s Instagram accounts and it seems like the wife knows now I don’t know if she will take him back or not the way he acted. the way he acted on our meeting, he didn’t seem to care either way. Boy, I hope he doesn’t have a prenup, and she takes him for all he got.
That’s all I have for today. I want be making these frequent updates. If anything of significance happens will be updating in the future but right now I’m logging off.
Thank you for listening. And thank you all who supporting me. I know what I did wasn’t the nicest or the kindest to my most beloved sister, but I had to do what I believed to be right and you don’t have to do with me.
You are a sharrrrrtt of a sister. 12 flipping years without suxx and on top of that, physical abuse! And he is now trying to isolate her by moving her away! With family like yours, who needs enemies? You will understand your mistake one day.
"Yesterday she asked me to meet her. She was with him, the audacity. She looked totally broken and he looked smug and angry and he didn’t even want to look at me."
...OP's sister rocked up with her affair partner in tow?
I'm really surprised that so many people are/ were on OP's side in this one. Her sister was in an emotionally abusive relationship with someone who slapped her and hadn't been intimate in over a decade... mental that she took the side of the BIL tbh.
Feel very sad for the sister that her family is so angry at her and appears to be supporting the husband. I don't get families like this. Mine would never be on anyone's 'side' except mine. Regardless of what I had done. They are MY safety net. My safe place. My team.
What OP has done is completely isolate her sister in a potentially dangerous situation. But at least she can sleep at night 🙄 Maybe sister brought the AP because she was scared and he is her safe place? Maybe he is her comfort and security in her world of insecurity and fear and loneliness. Maybe OP is such a self-righteous martyr that the sister needed the support 🤷🏼♀️
OP's sister has no one in her corner. She stuck in this marriage, with her family ready to sacrifice her because poor BIL is so amazing and only hit her once (as they know of). She needs to divorce and move out, and start over. Life is too short for this.