Woman asks for advice after finding out her best friend thinks they're dating. UPDATED
Can men and women really just be friends?
It's the age-old, tired question that every romcom has raised. But, one young woman was shocked when she found out that her best friend had a very different perception of their relationship. When she shared her story, she was hurt by people's responses. When she finally shared the full story, people changed their tune.
I (18 F) have apparently been dating my best friend (19 M) for an entire year but didn’t know until today. Need help asking him about it.
This is going to be such a “suffering from successful” post, but bear with me for a second.
I’ve known him for 5 years, different classes and courses but same friend group. Over time, he has genuinely become one of the best people I know, and it’s only getting better everyday.
I can’t lie and say he’s not my type; nerdy, charming, sweet, funny, flirty with the right amount of awkward. He comes pick me up from class. Plays hockey without being a douchebag to the skaters. And most importantly, gets treats for my cat.
Multiple strangers have mistaken us for a couple, even close people like our friends, professors, and worst of all, my family. He’s kinda perfect, but I’ve never even thought of putting the moves on him, he’s never shown romantic interest in me, we’re friends, nothing more.
Or that’s what I thought. Today, he was spending the afternoon at my dorm, something he started about a year now. We’re laying on my bed mindlessly watching sonic cartoons when he says (verbatim) “So, baby, where do you wanna go this Friday?”
Matter of fact, this is the first time I’ve been called baby by him, so that kinda shocked me. Instead of asking why, I froze and was just like “What’s happening friday?”
He turns to me and KISSES ME (again, first time thing with us), hugs my waist and goes “Our 1 year anniversary, idiot. I’m making reservations.”
At this point, I’m frozen. I genuinely don’t know what to say. I’m gobsmacked. The dude I thought was my best friend, who never even showed interest in the dating thing, is under the impression that we’ve been dating for a whole year.
I’m silent while he continues hugging me and scrolling on his phone, racking my brain thinking about what to tell him when his phone starts ringing. It’s his mom, which he puts on speaker and she deadass goes “Hi. Are you still with your girlfriend?”
Oh, so now his mom thinks we’re dating too?! He tells her yes, asks why she called. She asks for his help with private stuff I will not divulge here, he turns to me and goes “Sorry, I’ll be back in a bit, sweetheart.”
I just nodded. I was just like “Alright, see you in a bit.” No questions, no screaming, just acceptance. He gets up to put on his sneakers and leans down to kiss me again, which I just accept at this point.
It’s a nice kiss besides the fact that my mind is somewhere else. He leaves and I get a text from his coach “Tell (boyfriend’s name) to come tomorrow at 1pm, he’ll only listen if it’s you”
Tf you mean only me?! You’re the responsible adult tasked with training these hockey players, why do you depend on me bringing him to you?!
But that led me down a rabbit hole of finding out who thinks we’re dating. Apparently, majority of the people I talk to think we’re dating, or if I’m being correct here, KNOW we’re dating, and just, have never mentioned it to me…
I don’t think it’s a prank solely on the fact that his mom called me his girlfriend. They don’t have the closest relationship. She is a very traditional, conservative and religious korean woman. Always serious and does not play around.
When she realized early on that her son did not agree with many of her opinions, she stopped caring for him to the fullest, only keeping it civil for the rest of the family and friends. There’s nothing he could’ve done to have her go along with something like this, especially when she wants him to marry young with a nice korean girl, which I’m not.
Also, he just does not seem like the guy to play with people like this. He might be dumb and oblivious, but not horrible. I don’t know what to do now, I mean, he’s a great guy don’t get me wrong, and if the last 5 years are anything to go by, he would be (is?) a great boyfriend, maybe even in the future a husband.
But, I’ve never looked at him that way, so I can’t say I love him. When this occurred, it was like the glass shattered and I saw how differently he looked at me, how he talked and acted, stuff that never changed since the beginning but for some reason I’ve never noticed.
I can’t sit here and pretend I love him like that, I wasn’t thinking about him in that sense all this time.
But, on the other side, I don’t want to hurt him. He clearly thinks we’ve been together for that long so he has to have strong feelings for me, and I don’t want to step on them and scar him like that.
I can’t just keep dating him though, something that I’ve apparently been doing for a year. I could learn to love him eventually, it wouldn’t take much to be honest, but it wouldn’t be fair to him or me.
In my defence, who dates someone and just does not ask them about it. If the roles were reverse and a year ago something happened where I was like “sh*t, I love him, this was probably a date, we’re probably dating right now” I would’ve confirmed with him or at the very least said something for the following year, not only at the 1 year mark.
I just don’t know what to do. I’m scared and angry, disappointed in myself for not recognizing the situation sooner. Feel like I’m stuck between the sword and the wall. Last thing I want is to hurt him, but I also don’t want to lie to him. How should I go on about this with him?
TLDR: My best friend believes we’ve been dating for a year, alongside our friends and families. He’s never ask me, so now I don’t know the best way to approach him about this. Please help.
Update: Before you comment, I’ve sent a text for us to meet up and I somewhat already know what I’m gonna say to him. I’ll try and do an update post after the 48 hours pass.
Here is what readers had to say after the initial post:
Is this even for real? You don't date anyone for a year without hugs and kisses, only for them to start on your 1 year anniversary.
I reckon - His Mum/Mom and/or others have started talking to him about his 'girlfriend' and what he is doing for their anniversary. He has posted on Reddit - 'are we a couple or not?? Confused'
Person on Reddit has suggested that he put his arm around her / call her babe etc and see how she reacts. He is now replying to those on Reddit, saying that she didn't flinch or anything. 'Cool, she's my girlfriend...'
Waste of my time , this doesnt feel real and makes absolutely no sense
I have a friend who was always talking to me about his boyfriend. For years! They were joined at the hip and spent every spare moment together.
Then around 2 years in my friend said they’d “broken up” and when I asked more details about it I learned that they had never kissed, never had sex, never even hugged, and the thing that led to ‘the break up’ was that his “boyfriend” told him that he didn’t find him sexually attractive and that he only saw him as a friend.
Though my friend won’t ever admit it, I think he deluded himself into believing a friendship was a relationship. Same thing might be happening here if it’s true. Word of warning though - my friend was also diagnosed with a personality disorder right after this incident. Same could be true here. Tread carefully.
This is either the fakest post ever with a ton of plot holes, you’re being pranked, or he’s f*^%ing crazy.
What a fun story you’ve written! It needs a few tweaks because the internal logic isn’t quite landing but it has potential
He’s never kissed you, called you by a term of endearment, did couple-y things, etc. to make it explicit he thinks you’re dating until NOW? Does he really think couples go an entire year without any of that?
None of that makes sense. He’s either testing the water, pranking you, psychotic, or there’s stuff being left out. Regardless you need to have a conversation with him. I hope you keep us updated.
These comments hurt the OP and led her to respond with an update, and insist that she wasn't 'making this up.':
EDIT: You know what, f*ck this, some of you guys suck. I thought this was a subreddit to help and give advice and yet im still getting dm´s over this being fake and overall clowning me.
Like, im sorry if i write in a weird way, but this sh*t did happen. Do you guys only believe women when they show up dead in the news? I know it sounds insane, it also did to me.
But please mind your words, if you're not gonna say something helpful or nice, don't say anything at all. I'm already having a horrible time with all of this and to have reddit men up my dms saying i lied and discrediting me cuz its not possible he'd do that, shut up, please, im begging you.
Should have never posted this here to begin with, might just delete it altogether since apparently men only know how to point and laugh at a woman's experience.
Three days later, the OP returned with a final, upsetting update:
Turns out he’s just dumb and sad. Or maybe crazy and psychotic. I did give him way too much benefit of the doubt.
I read a lot of comments and messages that were sent to me privately on what I should do. Big thank you to everyone, majority of you were nice and helpful. Also big sorry for the sweet lady wishing me a happy future marriage, not happening soon.
And to the people saying it was fake, if I had created a good love story, I would’ve sold it to Netflix or HBOMax or Wattpad instead of being a loser and asking reddit for fake help.
I brought it up to my psychiatrist, showed her the reddit post I made, a few of the messages I’ve received and she basically had the attitude of “Hey, remember that great guy, well he’s a piece of sh*t now, so let’s learn about moving on and not reminiscing on a broken friendship” which I think is the best way to go in about this.
Now, tbh I don’t remember much because I wanted to cry from the moment he started talking. Also I was quiet and only spoke very little because I did not want to make a bigger scene than it already was. I just let him talk for a few hours and then dipped. Towards the end, he was shouting and unpredictable, people were looking and I just wanted to go home.
I decided that we should meet up in a public space. Before his practice, I sent him a text and asked if he wanted to meet up at a coffee shop we both know. He called, said yes and “You sound serious, should I be worried?” to which I said “honestly, yes, you should.”
He told me to stop joking and then went on to his practice. Fast forward a couple hours, I’m sitting there and he comes in, sits in front of me and thanks me for the food I ordered for him. We start eating. I’m a nervous wreck and he realises, which led to him asking “Are you really ok, (My name)? You didn’t seem good a while ago, and from what you said, I’m actually worried now”
So I lay it out on him. I ask him why he thinks we’re dating, why does everyone else think so and what led to him thinking that. Now, he’s just quiet and I’m just looking at him not say anything.
Stuff after this is a bit fuzzy because I just wanted to cry. This next sh*t came very out of the blue for me as well, it´s just f*^%ing weird looking back on it.
He said something like “I didn’t really think we could actually date if I asked you up front” to which I said “that’s how relationships usually work tho, you ask” which led him on a tangent about women in general. Opinions that he shared with me and said to my eyes with no regret.
What I saw in front of me was no longer my best friend of 5 years, it was a boy who grew up to be a man and to have a very damaging idea of women. Stuff that I could assign to immaturity, but he had nicer things to say when he was 14 than what he told me now.
I just interrupted him and asked what led him to think about women this way, since he never let his family, most predominantly his mother (tbh I don’t think even the most conservative women in the world would say what he said, but his mother still has some not so nice beliefs about women) influence him into these antiquated ideas.
He was quiet for a while and that did give me some pity, until he opened that mouth of his again “You know, there’s these podcasts.” That let me know everything I needed to. “Oh so you’re a Tate fanboy now?”
He starts arguing and yelling that it’s not him but that they know what’s right and wrong, how things should be and to be honest, I’m not really listening to him at this point, I just want to get out of there and cry. I’m listening, but nothing is registering.
Some of the milder things he started yelling are about women and our relationship with food and how we should have a limited amount, how we’re so vulnerable and emotional, ready to blame men for everything and how we start yelling at every minute inconvenience (which is funny in hindsight).
How menstrual stuff was A HOAX and that I was no doubt lying when I couldn’t walk from my period pains because “I wanted his attention” and that “no girl can possibly feel a greater pain than a man.”
He also said that when we were talking about his course - something to do with car parts - it was not “cute” and “sweet” of me (let alone women in general) to act dumb and pretend I’m clueless, because that does not make me more appealing (I genuinely don’t f**%ing know how a car works, my f*#$ng bad)
I tell him that if this is all a big joke, it’s not funny. He interrupts me and talks about how he listens to these men but doesn’t tell anyone cuz he knows I and our friends wouldn’t agree, tells me I’m not a “perfect woman” (whatever that means) but that he would still like to date me but couldn’t tell me because I’d say no and “ruin his fantasy” hmmmm…
Im crying now, and people are noticing, so I just want to get out of there immediately. I tell him (not verbatim, but along the lines)
“You’re so f*@$ng stupid, (Name)! You genuinely could’ve dated me, if only you had asked. You could’ve had everything but you started listening to opinions of guys who have nothing. How sad can you be to pull a stunt like this instead of asking like a normal person?”
He starts yelling that I’m wrong and they know what is right, starting a whole rant that I don’t have the strength to listen to. I stand up, start walking and he grabs my arm. More people are staring. I tell him to let go and he only does when I threaten to call the police. I left telling him to never speak to me again.
I am now home. I’ve blocked him on everything and told some friends what happened. They were all shocked by how he acted and what he said. One guy did tell me “He was always easy to influence tho”.
I asked why they thought we were dating and they told me it was how we acted like a couple (I guess that one is on me) combined with the fact that HE TOLD THEM YES WHEN THEY ASKED and since the behavior checked out, they just never thought to talk about it with me. I’m not responding to any of them right now.
To be honest, I’m moving cities in a few months with my family. I used to cry about it nonstop because I’d have to leave all my friends here, including him and that was the last thing I wanted.
Now, I’m kinda glad I don’t have to worry about bumping into him. I just feel distraught, like, that was a nice friendship, it was a pillar of my childhood and now it’s just gone.
He said and did some nasty things, even if it was in the span of a few hours. If up until moving he comes up to me personally or tries to pick me up from class, I’ll repeat that I do not want him in my life anymore.
If push comes to shove, I’ll call the police, not that I think they’d do anything tho. I’m also sharing my location with both my older brother and father; yes it might be a bit “delusional” and not needed, but you never know.
He was a great guy and we did have a good friendship up until he decided to view women as objects and date one without asking because “he deserves it” I just can’t stop crying. I really thought I knew him, and for him to be able to spew those words and opinions at me like that, stuff he’s always been against from what I remember, it was shocking.
It’s only been a few hours but it’s already weird not having that constant text or call happening. I feel like it’s kinda empty but I don’t want someone like that next to me. The worst for me is that I see no change. He has no sisters and his mother does somewhat think that way as well, and so does his father. Maybe coach could help, but idk.
I just feel “betrayed ???”, I guess. It feels stupid to say but it’s true. I mean, I get men like this every single day, every girl does. It goes from professors who know me to drivers who are seeing me for the first time.
Comments vary from just telling me I’m pretty to more gruesome stuff, I’m used to it. I just never expected it to be someone so close to me, that I trusted. I don’t know when he started thinking like this but now it has me feeling all gross and dirty.
It does help me chuckle a bit that some of the things he said were just so textbook misogyny that it seems he learned them on a joker sigma instagram account. That is so stupid it’s kinda hilarious if you omit the part where he said sexual assault is not a real problem.
So, that is that. I thought I had a nice friend by my side, but guess not. Never trust a guy, even if you grew up with him, they’ll disappoint you eventually.
Here is how people responded after hearing the full story:
It's so stupid and so sh*tty. But did he really expect her to just go along with it and not question it ever? Like, it's such a stupid plan. Maybe it's because only dumba*^es are listing to those types of podcasts.
I thought dude was just naïve and then podcasts were mentioned. I genuinely don’t understand why kids/boys/young men/men are listening to this moronic bulls%*t. Are these misogynistic people that good at public speaking or is the audience just that stupid?
All of this Tate and other misogyny podcasts just seem so morally bankrupt. I feel bad for the OOP and every female who comes across the people buying into this nonsense. It’s all so f*&^ed up.
The moral of this story is: if someone does something that seems crazy to you, either they are nuts or you are.
Man. Before she even mentioned Tate, and before I even read about their convo at the coffee shop, I just KNEW it was going there. The fact he kissed her and became affectionate out of the blue was the tip-off.
It’s not normal to be in a relationship that long without any kind of affection displayed or even a peck on the lips at the very least. He would have had to known kissing her like that would have thrown her for a loop, but he must’ve read or heard that doing so might put her in a position to just go along wit it.
At that point it became clear to me he made a conscious decision to simply behave as if she was his girlfriend as if he deserved it.
Immediately, the pervasive mentality some guys are starting to develop that they are owed a girlfriend (and typically one that they already have a close friendship with) came to my mind, which reeks of people like Tate and even Jordan Peterson, to an extent.
Tate and Peterson are 100% a virus in this country right now. At a work party, I overheard a couple male coworkers talking about some local event Jordan Peterson was putting on. They we’re excited about it. It explained some things I was hearing about how one of them acts toward some of my women coworkers.
I was talking to one of these guys who’ve fallen into the “alpha male” cult the other day and my overwhelming thought was that he had no idea what actually dating a woman is like. They seem to see women as a different species rather than human.
This is classic parents not teaching their sons how to treat and interact with women. More and more little boys are being left to their own devices in figuring out how to interact with the world and are learning from predators, becoming predators themselves, because their parents didn’t care or didn’t see it as their responsibility.
My parents didn’t teach me and I’m still struggling to figure out what’s acceptable and what is inappropriate/wrong, but it’s super tough the later in life you are, especially when there are few examples, at least I knew Tate was a j$#off the second his videos hit the YouTube algorithm.
I’m sorry OOP had that terrible experience and then not being believed on the subreddit whose goal it is to help people with relationship problems.