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Woman who wants kids discovers fiancé secretly had vasectomy. UPDATED.

Woman who wants kids discovers fiancé secretly had vasectomy. UPDATED.


In this post from Reddit's 'Off My Chest' subreddit a woman seeks advice about her fiancé secretly getting a vasectomy while they were trying to get pregnant. But then it turns out in an update he's been lying about more than that. Here's her story and her update...

I (22f) have known I’ve wanted to be a mom and have a family since I was little. I’ve been with my partner (24m) for six years now, and he was aware of this. He supported it, but obviously wanted to wait to start trying till we were older. I felt the same given we were still young when we first got together and not in the position to start a family.

Does anyone else think it's a red flag when you've been with your partner for 6 years at the age of 22? That means you started dating at 16...

But now we have both graduated from college, are working stable jobs, and are engaged. Now that we are at this stage we discussed and agreed to start actively trying for a baby. That was about 7 months ago.

He’s know how badly I’ve wanted this and has seen how upset I’ve gotten each month when tests come back negative. But he always supported me and comforted me telling me it’ll all happen soon. But it didn’t. Two weeks ago he told me we need to talk. those words never sound good. And they weren’t.

He end up telling me that he had a vasectomy performed while I was on a trip with friends for my 21st birthday last year. While I respect his decision to do so, I still can’t help but be hurt that he did this and yet kept telling me “not to worry” and that “it’ll happen soon” and how “excited” he was to be taking this step.

I just don’t understand why he couldn’t have told me he wasn’t ready or didn’t want kids. Prior to us starting to “try” I was on birth control and we used other protection methods. I really thought we were on the same page about wanting kids someday and when we decided to start trying.

I’m just in complete shock that he hid such a major thing from me. We haven’t been speaking much and he’s been staying with his brother since he told me.

I don’t know how we can work this out or move past this. I still love him, but I’m hurt that he acted like nothing was wrong. It’s making me doubt if I even want to go through with our wedding now, but at the same time I don’t want to leave.

Comments from the original post:

SpontaneousQueen writes:

Its easy to sit back and say gurl you need to run, hes a pile of walking red flags, get out! So, instead, I'm going to repeat what you have already said. For seven months, he sat back and knowingly did not tell you he had a vasectomy. Seven. Months.

HerbSchmeckman writes:

Your fiance isn't capable of the emotional connection you thought he was. This won't change, believe me, I tried to change a man like this for 17 years. Divorced 4. It's heartbreaking, but you deserve better -- someone who's exactly who you think they are.

Cyanide-ky writes:

what you're missing is that he clearly never wanted kids and she clearly did hes been planning this for a lot longer than 7months

OP posted answers to questions:

I’ve gotten a lot of messages and questions regarding a update, I met to talk with my fiancé this morning and figured I would share the outcome of that conversation. As well as answer a lot of questions I’ve seen in comments or that I have received privately.

I have received a lot of questions/comments about “his body, his choice”. And yes, I do agree with this statement. I never said I was upset that he had it done, but rather upset that when we began to start trying he acted as though he had not had it done and kept it hidden. Leaving me wondering why i couldn’t get pregnant when he knew exactly why. That was the issue.

I had a lot of questions about how I couldn’t tell he had it done. I know nothing about vasectomy’s. So yes, I believed his claim of having it done when I was gone on a girls trip for my 21st birthday. But comments about the healing time frame and follow up testing made me doubt this/doubt that he had it done. The more I looked into the time frame of having the procedure done, I doubted him.

Here's the update from OP:

Before all of this came out, I never had any doubts in my partner. He was always very trustworthy, caring, kind, and loving. We rarely argue or fight and even when we have it’s been over minor things. I never saw any red flags and those in my personal life never did either. He was genuinely a great guy.

Which is what made not just leaving hard. We’ve been together for 6 years, and are we were set to be married in February. We have both invested so much time into this whole relationship as well as time and money into our wedding. So just ending things didn’t feel that easy for either of us.

We had been staying apart from each other to give us each time to cool down before discussing what this would mean for our potential to have a future together. We met this morning to discuss the situation/so I could ask him why he hid this and what he shocked me even more.

I blatantly asked him why he had the procedure done and when he began having doubts about having kids. His response was that he never doubted having kids but started to doubt his ability to have one/get me pregnant. He followed this up by saying he never had the procedure and knew as little about them as I did.

Instead he had apparently discovered he had a lower then average sperm count due to hormonal issues at a recent doctors appointment after he mentioned we had been trying without any luck. This appointment was in August. He brought paperwork detailing and proving this to our meeting as well.

He told me he didn’t know how to bring the topic up and mentioned that it made him feel embarrassed. And since he was told he wasn’t infertile and that we may just have a harder time getting pregnant he said he was just hoping it would just eventually happen so he wouldn’t have to say anything. He says he regrets hiding this, and regrets creating a lie to cover it, and I do forgive him.

We did re discuss having kids to which he ensured me is something he still wants. I feel relief knowing his concern, words of encouragement, and comfort after every negative test was genuine as he did truly want them to be positive.

When I asked why he created the lie of having a vasectomy rather than just telling me about the fertility issues, it again went back to him saying he felt a sense of embarrassment about the issue. He said he thought saying he had this on purpose would save him the ‘embarrassment’ of not being able to get me pregnant.

He claims his inability to do so these last few months has made him doubt his masculinity and that by creating the idea that he purposefully chose to be sterile would make him seem ‘like more of a man’.

While I don’t fully understand this way of thinking, I guess I can slightly understand how these issues may have made him feel ‘less than’ when he wasn’t and shouldn’t have felt that way. I offered him comfort and we discussed looking into medical interventions as well as just continuing to attempt to conceive naturally.

I’m not leaving my fiancé. Yes I was upset over his lie, but he deeply regrets it. We both still love each other, both still want to be married, and both still want kids.

We will however be looking into attending individual and couples therapy to get over this. We are going to postpone the wedding since it’s only 4 months away, and I’m the mean time keep trying to conceive naturally. We decided we will look into intervention methods after our wedding.

I appreciate everyone’s advice on my last post, Thank you. I will try to answer any further questions in the comments but hope this answers a majority of them/clears everything up. Thanks.

Comments from the update:

Gusvato3080 writes:

So he was not a bad guy, just dumb?

TroubleAdorable9226 writes:

Imagine what will happen on the wedding day. - Fake death perhaps?

SuccessValuable6924 writes:

I knew a person who used to say he'd rather deal with a bad guy than a dumb one. Because you can count on the bad guy to be bad, but dumb guys can come up with dumb sh*t you'd never even imagine.

timbodacious writes:

Don't try to have a kid until you're married for two years. Please take this advice. Strange things happen after the ring goes on the finger.

witchjack writes:

i’m sorry but you two should not raise children together.

Sensitive-Section137 writes:

Please don’t be this gullible…postponing the wedding?? STILL trying for a child!?!? Prepare to get lied to A lOT

Sources: Reddit
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