Woman tries to teach boyfriend how to cook; he says she left him to 'starve.'
There's nothing easy about being a mother... especially if you don't have kids. But some lucky women get the lovely task of taking care of their adult significant others full time!
When a woman went away for a week, her boyfriend was literally unable to feed himself in her absence. Why, you ask? Oh, I'll let her explain... But when she came back, he said he was 'starved' and 'forced' to eat fast food, blaming her for his terrible fate. So she (u/BurderThrowaway) took to Reddit to ask:
'AITA (Am I the as*hole) for 'making' my boyfriend eat fast food for a week?'
Here's her story:
My boyfriend grew up in a house that valued outdated gender norms. The women were always responsible for cooking and cleaning, so he didn't learn how to do any of that for most of his life. That is, until he moved in with me after college.
He's been good about a few things. He doesn't mind helping with dishes or handling the laundry, but the one thing I can't seem to get him to do is learn how to cook. The only thing he can do is microwave frozen meals. I've been trying to teach him the basics, but it seems like it goes through one ear and just comes out the other.
He still can't turn on the oven or use the stove without help. The toaster is too complicated for him to use he claims. Doesn't know how to boil eggs, cook rice, or even how to measure out ingredients using cups. I just don't understand why he can't grasp this but is fine with other things.
Here's the part where I may be an as*hole. I went on a trip two weeks ago for work. I'm in charge of buying groceries (we have separate accounts) and I realized how expensive his frozen meals actually are. Three to four dollars for each. I said screw it and bought the easiest ingredients I could find for a lot cheaper for him to cook on his own.
He doesn't like leftovers, so me cooking ahead for him was out. Before I left, I sat him down once again and gave him a very long lesson on using the oven, toaster, and stove, as well as how to boil/scramble eggs, toast a piece of toast, boil rice/noodles, and heat up pasta sauce.
I also taught him how to pan fry things like onions and other veggies, and how to tell when they were ready. In case he didn't want to cook both lunch and dinner, I also bought things to make salads and fixings for sandwiches.
I come back a week later, and he is angry! He claims I practically left him to starve, and how I know he has trouble cooking. I retaliate, saying I showed him what to do, and I get a whole range of excuses. 'Setting the oven/stove temp is too complicated' 'He cut his finger chopping onions and couldn't chop any until his cut healed' 'He only likes the salad kits so everything is balanced'
Apparently he only ate sandwiches, canned goods, and fast food for a week. He thinks I'm a major as*hole for not telling him I'm not buying his frozen meals, and leaving him alone to fend for himself.
On one hand, I do think it was shitty of me not to tell him I didn't buy his meals, and as someone who grew up in a home pretty much only boiled hotdogs and veggies, and only properly learned how to cook after moving, out I do feel for him, but at the same time, after a few months of not getting the simplest concepts, I'm left feeling partially justified in my actions. So Reddit, AITA (Am I the as*hole)?
Okay, so obviously OP has gone above and beyond with her prep work. But the lack of communication is super weird. She didn't tell him about the contents of her shopping? Why? What is happening in that house?!
It seems like this is a case of OP being a soft as*hle, but for a different than she thinks: enabling her boyfriend's behavior.
Info from OP:
He's 23 and I'm 25. We've been officially together for two years, but only moved in with each other two months ago.
The way he's treating cooking is a lot different from the way he treated learning how to clean. Once he saw how I was washing the dishes or removing stubborn stains in clothes, he took over and asked me questions. With cooking, he doesn't ask any questions or step in to try. I really don't want to believe he's being malicious on purpose, but your comment makes me think otherwise.
This is the first time he's been away from home. His mother was always responsible for cooking for him and his family.
He's never had a problem with me leaving before and just buying him what he wants. It's just that money's tight right now. Our rent went up and it seems like everything's getting more expensive.
Here's how people judged OP:
Easy-Concentrate2636 says:
Weaponized incompetence. Anyone can use a toaster. Bf wants op to cook for him forever. Op, NTA. You are not responsible for your bf’s food. Please consider if you want to be his free live-in cook. Also, nobody died from eating sandwiches for a week. Your bf is manipulating you into feeling guilty.
MsAnthropissed says:
She needs to sit him down, look him deep in his eyes and tell him, 'There are nearly 8 billion humans on the planet Earth. Out of all of them, only ONE of those people wants to be your mommy and that one should not be the person you are f*@king!'
LissaBryan agrees:
You're absolutely right about weaponized incompetence. I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume he knows how to use a computer, an xBox, a smart TV, and can use Google Maps for directions? He's not mentally disabled. He actually can figure out how to turn on an oven and fry food in a pan.
If OP has some reason she wants to continue to date this person, she should refuse to grocery shop or cook. Just flat-out refuse. Let him starve until he can bring himself to figure out turning on the stove.
Nearby-Possession204 adds:
This is your future. What is he going to be like if you two decide to have kids. I’ll bet changing a nappy is just going to be way too hard, or prepping a bottle (if that’s how you choose to feed). You both need to sit down and have an adult conversation because this is ridiculous.
Serendipity1007 says:
NTA (Not the as*hole): women are not rehabilitation centers for men. Women are not replacement parents. While as partners we can all teach one another things, which you have, you are not responsible for someone who refuses to learn and become a better partner to you.
Do you want to be with a child? I don't think you signed up to be a second mom to your boyfriend. Weaponized incompetence is abuse.
Looks like there's no sympathy for the hungry man child, here. OP is definitely not the a#*hle here, but she is enabling her boyfriend's bad behavior.
To be honest, the most shocking part to me was that he loved frozen meals but hated leftovers. Like, all leftovers...? Make it make sense!!