"My husband cannot accept I don’t like mustard."
We’ve been married two years, dating five. We are both 34- I’m a woman, he’s a man, if it matters. I’m not a picky eater. In fact I’m quite adventurous and every time I’ve traveled I’ve always made it a point to try dishes with unusual/uncommon ingredients to say I’ve tried them. There are very few foods I won’t eat. One of them is mustard (the condiment).
I don’t like it. I just don’t. The taste is very strong and overpowering and it’s an unpleasant taste. I’ve tried yellow, stone ground, honey, artisan, brown, spicy, you name it. I have tried them all. And I just don’t like them.
My husband for some reason never understood this. He loves mustard, especially honey mustard. He puts it on all his sandwiches, dips his fries in it. And every time he tries to force me to try it. He’ll insist I’ll like it this time. I’m a grown woman. I know what I don’t like! And I don’t like mustard. So I’ll say no and it’ll devolve into a mini-argument where he’ll call me picky.
Well, last night we were on the road home from a weekend trip we took together and he stopped at a gas station to get us a quick bite. He got a hot dog slathered in mustard. I got one but decided to keep it plain. I don’t really love hot dogs to begin with but I will eat them. While we waited in line, he asked what I got on mine. I told him nothing.
He actually got furious and grabbed it from me. He marched over to the condiment station and began putting mustard on my hot dog, telling me to grow up and stop being picky. I just walked out and sat in the car. I didn’t even want the stupid hot dog anymore. My appetite was gone.
He came back and began screaming at me for embarrassing him even further. The word divorce was said for the first time ever. I secretly recorded his screaming because I was genuinely afraid I was in danger. He was driving erratically, swerving and speeding.
I’m in a hotel tonight. He ignored me all day at work and then the calls started around when he realized I wasn’t coming home. Nonstop voicemails and texts. He sent me a screenshot of a Google search for local divorce lawyers. I haven’t eaten all day and I’ve been sobbing in this stupid hotel room.
I don’t want to get divorced and I wish I had just ate the mustard. Someone, anyone, please give me an explanation. Am I in danger? Why would he react this way to a preference of mine? I’m completely broken right now.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the initial post:
barbaramillicent
My ex and I used to fight all the time about how I don’t put honey in my tea. But it was never really about the tea, and in your case it’s not about mustard. It’s about how he wants to be able to control every little thing you do and how angry he gets when he can’t.
SquilliamFancySon95
Things would not be better if you gave in and started using mustard. Your husband would find something else to nitpick and bully you about because he's a control freak.
Publius246
This is obviously not about the mustard. I can't begin to guess what went through your husband's head that resulted in this behavior, but the behavior is here and needs to be addressed. He:
Ignored your wishes. Screamed at you in public. Drove recklessly in anger. Gave you the cold shoulder. Followed by nonstop harassing you. Threatened you with divorce in the most juvenile way possible.
Even if you get to the bottom of whatever set off this parade of horribles, what's done cannot be undone. You are in danger. He's not the person you thought he was. Get out now.
The OP updated the very same day.
throwrapickyeater
Some answers I guess to questions I saw: If I have a support system: no. I’ve always been a very small circle kind of person and I lost touch with casual college friends. My friends are his. It makes me feel like a loser but I don’t really have friends of my own. My parents are dead; my dad died when I was a teen and my mom passed recently of heart failure. I have no siblings.
I’m financially capable of living on my own and I could pay for a divorce. I just… really didn’t want things to be this way. The mustard thing was always just an annoyance to me. I didn’t consider it a deal-breaker, but obviously it is for him. We have no kids and no equity. Our finances are separate save for one joint account we equally contribute to for bills. We were looking at buying a house.
I’m safe. I’m at work and I’m staying in the hotel until further notice. He has continued to text. One message said that he loves me and doesn’t want to lose me, but I’ve forced his hand by refusing to communicate or come home.
I haven’t answered. I don’t know what to say. I forced myself to eat my favorite takeout late last night but it tasted like cardboard. I stayed up late compiling a list of every time he has shown worrying behavior. I guess the mustard is the tip of the iceberg.
Again, on the same day, the OP provided more details.
throwrapickyeater
Sincerely, thank you all for your kind words as well as sending me links to resources. He has responded back and has told me that he never wants to see me again, so I suppose that gives me time to read that book that someone on RA suggested to me (I forget the name).
I will admit while I was at work and thinking of the lonely room waiting me after five, I considered just going home. But I knew what awaited me. I’m too drained to muster up the kind of apology he would be expecting in order for things to go back to normal. I honestly fear that our “normal” is detrimental to me. I also don’t want to apologize. I don’t think I did anything wrong, and you all helped validate that.
I always felt like I was the one disturbing the peace. He’d get so upset over things that were little to no effort for me to just do or go along with because I loved him. And somewhere along the way I think I lost myself. I never liked mustard. I never liked golf, or camping, or red wine.
But he loves all of these and wanted me to love them too. He said he was introducing me to his hobbies so we would have shared interests as a couple. But I have realized that out of all the things I used to like, he has either refused to try or ignored my interest. Our shared interests are just his.
God, how do I feel like my own person again? My world broke not two days ago and now I’m drunk at a hotel bar switching between Reddit and researching divorce lawyers. I still don’t want to divorce. It’s so permanent. I never pictured myself a divorcée. I used to think that every choice I made, I made deliberately. It used to be a point of pride for me. But he’s making this choice for me. And it hurts.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's updates:
PrudentPoptart
I think you need to switch the paradigm. You’re making this choice because your (ex)husband refuses to be a reasonable, sane, level headed human and YOU CHOOSE not to be married to someone that has no respect for you and expects absolute obedience instead of a partnership.
You can’t control or change him, you can only control your reactions and how you proceed. He clearly hasn’t realized this. You are going to be shocked how quickly you find yourself. It’ll come in small moments when you realized you stopped doing or enjoying things because of him. Or things you did because he wanted to, that you no longer have to. Maybe start there.
Make a list of all the things you haven’t done, eaten, seen, drank or been in awhile and do those things. You are going to be okay. You’ve already taken the first step and realized going home and faking sorry isn’t worth it. Us Reddit strangers believe in you!
NKDouglas
Being a divorceé is not any more permanent than staying in a abusive marriage would have been. Being a divorceé gives you the opportunity to find a new relationship with someone who loves and respects you, if you choose. Your story doesn't end here. Being free from your husband opens you up to endless opportunities in life.
There are many paths available to you now that you don't need to bend to his will. I personally would much rather be a happy divorceé than a miserable wife. And I'm sure people you meet in the future will feel the same way - I would never judge someone for being divorced. Relationships end for many reasons, and ending this marriage clearly seems to be the best thing for you.
Reclaim the narrative - YOU are making the choice to end this marriage for your own betterment. You deserve better than how he has treated you. You do not accept controlling scare tactics.
Again, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Abusers like your husband are very good at manipulating, gaslighting, and hiding the worst of their behaviours until you are entwined with them. Don't feel bad for falling into it.
Feel glad that he has revealed himself to you and that you aren't wasting any more of your life with him. Good riddance, and it will get much, much better from here. Wishing you all the best xx
Publius246
I was in a LTR with a similar dynamic as yours. She cared about so many more things than I did, I was (and remain) more easy-going, so over time her friends became "our" friends, her interests became "our" interests, etc. When it ended, I was in an identity-less fog for a month-- just going to work, then coming home and watching TV.
I remember exactly what changed: there was a TV commercial for Training Day, and I thought "ugh, that looks like a violent movie." Then I remembered that I used to love violent movies. It was my ex who hated them. So I watched Training Day by myself. It. Was. Glorious.
I walked out of that theater reconnected to a piece of myself that I forgot I had lost. I spent the next few weeks remembering and gathering other pieces of me. I hadn't even realized how stifled I was in that relationship until I got all of me back together. And I felt so, so much better. Complete. You will, too.
Five days after the original post, the OP again returned.
throwrapickyeater
First of all: I took this week off at the encouragement of my employer. I plan to spend it finding a therapist that specializes in domestic abuse and sexual assault, which I’ve come to realize I am a victim of. I feel completely numb. I’m also looking into a divorce lawyer.
Secondly: he found the hotel where I was staying. I guess he followed me from work. He was waiting in the lobby. God, my heart skipped a beat and I realized that I did NOT miss him at all. I was afraid of making a scene (I need to unlearn that), so I sat with him in the lounge area and talked. I’ll summarize it.
I pointed out the security camera and said if he tried to hurt me, there’d be footage and I would press charges without a second thought. He was completely shocked and said he’d never hurt me. I reminded him how I feared for my life in the car. He ignored me.
He asked why I wasn’t coming home. I was completely blank faced when I told him, “Because you’re divorcing me.” He said he didn’t mean it and was just upset. I said, “when normal people are upset, they express it in a healthy way. You threatened the end of our marriage. I’m taking you seriously.”
He got angry and asked if I was saying he wasn’t normal. Honestly, I just wanted the conversation to be done, so I told him if that’s really all he heard then there was no point in talking anymore. I told him I was looking for a lawyer and he should probably do the same if he hasn’t found one. He lashed out and said, “All this over one mistake?”
And I just stared at him. This just made him angrier. He never could handle slights to his ego. One mistake. It wasn’t one mistake. It was a pattern of behavior over years. It was threatening me, intimidating me. I told him not contact me again beyond sending me his lawyer’s details. He let me go.
I want to say I was tough and celebrated in my room. I collapsed onto my bed and began sobbing. I was just so sick and angry and sad. He truly doesn’t care about me. I’ve been crying on and off while calling local therapists.
God, why is it so hard to find one? The amount of therapists that advertise but turn out to not be accepting new patients is unacceptable. I’ve looked into support groups as well. In the span of less than a month, my life is completely changed. And he isn’t remorseful at all. He just thinks it’s all my fault.
Here were the top rated comments after this update from the OP:
neeborb
Headspace and Betterhelp are quick places to start until you're able to get in with a proper therapist or counselor. Totally normal not to celebrate, you're in pretty terrible grief right now. Talk to the hotel manager to let them know you are trying to avoid him - maybe they can give you a heads up if he shows up again? Or help you move to a different hotel at an odd hour of the day or something.
The OP responded here:
throwrapickyeater
I will probably move. I saw my RA post get reposted on Twitter. I’m terrified he’ll see it and come for me. A lot of people commenting on it were saying he would try to kill me and I believe them.
YolieTheZombieKiller
I'm so proud of you taking up for yourself and sticking to your guns. It's an emotional and mental rollercoaster but you will get to the end of the ride and be so healed from your trauma. We are all here for you. Sob, scream, cuss...whatever you need to do to let it all out.
You got out ALIVE. He didn't kill your spirit...I can read your spiciness throughout your post. You take that sass and you destroy him, give him a reason to also hate mustard ?. Reach out if you need an ear to listen. I believe in you...I was once you many years ago and I'll be here for you.
"Promise me you'll always remember that you are braver than you believe,stronger than you seem and smarter than you think". - Christopher Robin to Winnie the Pooh.
24 days after the original post, the OP again returned.
throwrapickyeater
I have a divorce lawyer. That’s all I comfortable with revealing on here for the time being. I will also mention that I have moved locations. I am safe and secure. My work has allowed me to go fully remote. My STB-Ex does NOT have my location, nor are there any trackers on my phone. I am in contact with people and organizations who are helping me.
Earlier this week, the calls and texts really ramped up. I was advised to leave him unblocked and simply muted so his messages would come through. I read a few since I was curious. He wanted me at Thanksgiving dinner with his family. He begged me to stop being this way and what was he supposed to tell his family?
Well, Thursday came and went. I had bought a couple of ready meals the night before so that was my feast. I do want to take a break here to talk about my mom. Since it was only three of us every holiday (except the rare times friends would come over), my mom wouldn’t make a turkey.
She would buy a rotisserie chicken and dress it up with stuffing, etc. She’d make dishes we loved rather than traditional thanksgiving dishes. My favorite side dish of all time was French fries.
My dad loved grilled asparagus with cheese. So we would have a rotisserie chicken with French fries, asparagus, and some garlic toast (my mom’s favorite). The first time I had real traditional Thanksgiving food at a friends’ house, I apparently told my mom loudly I didn’t like it and asked where the fries were, haha.
So this year, instead of my STB-ex husband’s family’s Thanksgiving food, I bought asparagus, fries, garlic toast, and a couple of slices of rotisserie chicken. It wasn’t half as good as my mother’s meal. But when I say I cried eating it… it felt like they were with me that night.
I guess my absence at the dinner forced my STB-EX to tell his family that I was separated from him. So Friday morning I got a phone call from an unfamiliar number. I answered it, thinking maybe it was my lawyer’s home phone or another person I was in contact with.
It was my mother-in-law. She begged me not to hang up on her. So I stayed on the line. She went on about how I was her daughter, she loved me, her son loved me, and how could I leave him over something so minor?
He only told his mom about the mustard, and even then it was a watered-down version that made me look like a neurotic control freak who needed everything my way. According to my MIL, he just made a side cup of it for me and asked me to just try it in the car. And I started screaming I’d divorce him.
She then started probing about which lawyer I was seeing and what I had told them. She also reminded me that lying in court was a crime. My lawyer had warned me to not reveal anything we had discussed to his family. It took all my willpower not to say anything. Instead, I hung up and muted her number, too. She hasn’t texted or tried to call again.
Trust me, I would’ve loved to send the recording of her son screaming calling me stubborn, that he would divorce me, and that he would run the car off the road if I didn’t start acting right. I wanted to scream into the phone that her precious son started this mess and I was simply doing what he wanted.
I have come to realize you don’t treat someone you love like the way he has acted. Normal people don’t keep pushing and obsessing over food preferences. There is something seriously wrong with that man.
He texted me last night (Friday) calling me horrible for making his mother cry. He also said he would come find me and it would take more than a locked door to keep him from getting me and taking me home. I forwarded those to the right people. I know this isn’t a happy update, but things are moving along quite nicely.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this update from the OP:
DuddizFruddiz
I didn’t ever think that I’d be this proud of a complete stranger. You did so good. So so good. You got yourself out of the situation as early as you could and did everything right. Keep focusing on yourself and stay in therapy. XX
The OP responded:
throwrapickyeater
positive comments like these have been my rock these past weeks. You all don’t know how much your kindness means to me ❤️
strawberry_sh0rtcak3
I'm glad you managed to get away from him, and get to a place he can't find. Don't feel bad for STB MIL, she raised him like this, and apparently continues to enable his behavior. Stay strong, we are rooting for you ❤️ it'll get better.
9 months after the original post, the OP again updated.
"5th Update"
throwrapickyeater
I moved! I will not say where but I have found a new home. My job let me stay on as permanently remote. I can’t go into details about my divorce or other current legal proceedings, but I can say I was granted a protective order due to something that happened back in December. Due to the nature of what happened, I was hospitalized for a time.
That was what I guess made me realize I wanted to get out. I traded my car, had my phone checked for tracking apps/devices, and changed my number. He cannot contact me or have anyone contact me on his behalf.
I am now several hours and state lines away from him and his wretched family. I moved with only two suitcases and a duffel of my stuff. I cannot wait to furnish and decorate my new home the way I always wanted it. I’m in therapy and I have a survivor support group I see weekly. I will be okay. I feel like I can finally breathe.
You are all very kind. I’ve had a lot of people ask what happened that landed me in the hospital and while I understand my story is entertaining, it was quite traumatic to endure. Respectfully, I won’t share that until I’m ready.
I appreciate all of the support and I’m both touched and heartbroken by those of you who have shared similar stories in my comments and DMs. I’m simultaneously horrified that others have gone through this and relieved that I’m not the only one.
Here were the top rated comments after this update from the OP:
throwaway-097685334
I'm so glad that you're safe now and getting support <3 also excited for you to be able to decorate your new home and get to enjoy being safe in your own space. I'm very glad you're gonna be okay, these last few months must have been terrifying and you deserve as much peace and relief as possible. Thank you for updating. I hope the rest of this process goes as smoothly for you as possible.
a-_rose
OMG I just re-read your posts and I’m SOOO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!! You did amazing and it’s incredible to hear that you’re doing well and are protected from the narcissistic psychopath. I hope you’re doing well after being hospitalised and he got what he deserved for causing you pain. Wishing you a swift divorce and complete freedom ASAP.
Nayox91
I followed your account after the initial post and it made my day to read that you actually made it out safely! Wishing you all the best for a fresh start.
Almost a year after the initial post, the OP returned once more.
"***NEW UPDATE***"
throwrapickyeater
Hello! It’s been a while. I’d sorta forgotten about this account until I saw screenshots of my posts uploaded to Instagram, ha. Some key points:
I am still going to therapy- individual counseling and biweekly group meetups for victims of DV. I am absolutely not dating. I saw some comments that said they hoped I found a fairytale man. That’s the last thing I want or need. I strive for independence and self love before I consider finding a new partner. It’ll probably be years before I’m ready, and that’s okay!
I have discovered a love of cooking and trying new cuisines. I didn’t realize how boring my ex’s taste was until I escaped him. Slathering mustard on a $2 hot dog does not mean you have superior taste buds. (Sorry, I had to get a jab in somehow)
Nothing new or dramatic has happened, and that is the way I like it. What matters is, I’m alive, and I’m happy. I didn’t realize how little I’d made myself until I was given the space to be. That’s all I’m willing to give for my update for now! Peace and love.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this possible last update from the OP:
CherylTuntIRL
Her ex sounds absolutely unsafe to be around. So glad OP is moving on and discovering new hobbies. What a weird thing to blow up on her about.
Emerald_Fire_22
And I am so thankful that she listened to her lawyer's advice and didn't share anything about the case with his family. While MIL might have supported her, for all we know she might have made the call because she wanted to know more for her son's case.
OptimistPrime527
I love a nice calm update. OP deserves a nice calm update.
Hetakuoni
I’m glad. The best thing for OP is for her to be living well and finding happiness in life.