Woman abruptly ends 'decent' 12 year marriage because she 'went numb.' AITA? UPDATED 3X
When this woman blindsights her husband and decides to end her 12 year marriage, she asks Reddit:
OP provides three long updates about her marital dilemma.
"Am I wrong for ending my marriage after 12 years?!"
So my husband and I just ended things last night. We've been together for 12 years and have a daughter together. This is all my doing, he didn't want to end things. Even told me I'm the love of his life and always will be.
Maybe I'm still in shock because subconsciously i thought this would never happen. That I'd stay even tho I'm not happy. For context he's a good man, never cheated, never even looked at another woman.
Loved me more than I have ever been loved. Helped me when i was struggling with addiction years ago and got me through it. Truly an amazing wonderful man. We also just had a baby well 7 months ago and maybe I have post partum depression (don't feel like I do) but tbh I don't feel much so maybe that's the problem.
It was a good talk some laughter some crying very emotional for us both. He didn't stay here last night and today i woke up feeling like something was missing. Which is weird cuz he goes on business trips a lot so I'm used to being by myself. Well just me and the baby. I'm not sure why I'm even writing this.
Maybe to just get it out there, maybe to see if I made the right decision and if I was wrong to throw 12 years away. Idk but I do know I am struggling today. I love my husband very much, hes my best friend. But I don't think I'm in love with him and I so wanna be. Am I wrong? Should I have tried harder?
OP provides this initial update:
I never kicked him out, didn't even ask him to leave. Actually told him we could still live together till we figure everything out. But he said he can't be in the same room as me and not be able to touch me and he felt that he "needed to leave" So from what everyone is saying I do feel as though I have PPD.
I definitely don't feel things like before or feel anything really. There was no 1 specific reason for ending things. I just dont have those feelings anymore or any feelings, which is scary.
But I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who reached out with the amazing advice. I know I didn't give much background into our relationship or really say anything negative about my husband.
Which after 12 Years trust me I could have lol but I felt as though he didn't deserve that. Nobody's perfect but he is a good one. Again thank you!
OP then provides this lengthy second update:
I agree it definitely is a "me" problem. I'd be lying if I said there weren't things leading up to this. Lack of intimacy, no affection, basically roommates for almost 2 years now. I'm a pretty affectionate person so it's been difficult but he's been stressed and a lot has changed over the course of the last year or so.
So I understood and tbh ive been pretty busy with the baby so thats helped keep my mind off things. He's not home a lot and leaves at length for job opportunities. So I'm pretty much Home alone with the baby.
Which is fine, it made more sense for me to stay home for now because essentially my job would pay for childcare for the week anyways . I have decided to seek help and go from there.
I felt asking for him to come back right now wouldn't be fair to him, I did this and my actions have consequences and I need to tske the first step in trying to repair things. We have a long road ahead of us, but its a start!
Also, I never knew PPD very well. But I just learned my boss of over 10 years his wife went thru it and almost left him. They have 2 kids together and are Truly amazing together.
She's a wonderful person, giving, thoughtful. And he's an amazing man and a Rockstar boss!!! When he left to start his own business half of our staff left to follow him. Truly the best couple I've ever seen and PPD really ruined them.
But she eventually addressed it and got help and they're better than ever. So I have hope!! Also, my goal is to try and do just that. Seek therapy not only for myself but for our marriage and go from there.
I know it's going to take some time to essentially come back from this. I know I've hurt him and I don't expect him to jump right back in. And taking this time now to figure everything out I think will be beneficial for our relationship in the long run!
Then, OP provides a third update:
Update: so thank you everyone for reaching out.i want to be clear yes my husband is a good man but our marriage hasn't been perfect. We're both human and have had out ups and downs.
He has always wanted children and i was told I couldn't have any. 4 miscarriages later we have our beautiful daughter.
I mean If I'm being honest the relationship has always been kind of stale lol he's not a very affectionate guy. Hes nit a typical guy. he can go without se%. I on the other hand am more of a dude in that sense lol but we've never really been lovey dovey.
Even though I crave that it's just never been like that with him. But tbh I was ok with that because he loved me and hell never even looked at another girl (I did more than he did haha) .and has always respected and treated me right and I loved him. He got me thru some of the worst times of my life.
(Abusive household growing up with addiction) and he got me out of that nightmare and he became my world. It wasn't till after the baby I started to see or feel things differently or should I say not feel.
I did get a lot of amazing advice such as yours to try and re-date each other to rekindle that fire which I think after I start going to therapy will definitely be what ima try next.
I want him to know I do tske this seriously but I also don't want to try and beg for him back when I know neither one of us is ready for that yet. I hurt him I know that and thats going to some take time to fix. Thank you for your amazing advice!! I greatly appreciate it!!
I didn't want to speak negatively about him because while yes there are things I could say that have definitely pushed me towards this decision but ultimately I know this is my doing so there's no need to drag a good mans name thru the mud.
He did end up coming over tonight to see his daughter and we did talk. It was good and sweet and i did tell him I would be seeking a therapist. He was happy to hear that and we ended up spending some quality time with our daughter together and then left.
Thank you for everyone that reached out and for the kind words and some not so kind lol you guys are amazing and i truly appreciate it!! I will def keep updating and hope everyone has an amazing evening!!
Let's take a look at some of the top responses to OP's post:
diligent0 writes:
YTA.Good job. You just ruined this guy's life, through no fault of his own, because you might or might not feel something. You have deprived your child of having an always present positive male role model and he has to pay you child support and maybe support your dumb ass too.
All because of feelings. Yep, let's just totally crush a man, take his family away, and steal half of his income all because of feelings. Op, you are scum. I hope your feelings get better. You just screwed your kid and ruined a good man for them.
sunnysky0 writes:
Hormones and depression can do wild things. please see a medical professional before abandoning your relationship that you seem to have loved up until recently. just because you don’t think you have PPD doesn’t mean you don’t. you straight up said you “don’t feel much but wish you did.” THAT’S DEPRESSION.
drybet1762 writes:
Agree. I'm concerned you are making a major life decision based solely on emotions. Emotions are so powerful but they distort the truth of things sometimes. Things aren't always what we see and feel and you must take some time in quiet contemplation to feel and understand the source of your negative emotions.
You could be transferring these emotions onto your husband and marriage irrationally. I don't know. It sounds like you don't know which is why it's concerning and you came here for a sounding board.
It is really, really hard for kids to go through a divorce. Things get so focused on the adult issues in the process the kids get left behind emotionally in the process. That's why courts have to take such a hard stance to be in the best interests of the children because the adults are consumed and overwhelmed.
Children need consistent love and nurturing up until at least the age of 3. Your baby and maybe your oldest are risk for permanent attachment damage if you divorce now because you will mentally become unable to be the best mom in all the chaos.
OP. please do some self help. Dr. Gabor Mate is an expert childhood trauma and addiction. He explains why infants need unconditional love and how an emotionally absent parent can cause attachment issues that will permanently harm the child.
mainerforever writes:
Ah the Disney fantasy about staying in love and having the hormones and pheromones and getting us an excitement for the rest of your life with the same partner.
And they both live happily ever after. Unfortunately that's not how life works. That's not how love works. That's not how hormones work.
The hormones that get you together or just a trick of evolution that keep you from seeing the real person in a lot of ways and keep you together long enough for real love to develop.
Falling in love is out of your control and is based on hormones and newness and excitement and mystery.
Love is a choice that you make on a daily basis whether to act in a loving manner, whether you happen to be feeling it right then or not. Love requires some selflessness and a commitment to extend yourself to nurture the spiritual development of another person.
The 7,8 10 year itch is a real thing. For some reason it makes me both angry and sad when people say I love him. He's the best person I've ever known but I'm not " in love " with him.
To me, that's just kind of narcissistic self-focus and not based on the reality of how human nature works and how intimate relationships develop and mature.