When this woman is confused about her financial future, she asks Reddit:
My bf(28M) and I(27F) have been dating for 3 years. I’m a PT and he is in residency for internal med which will last 4-6 years depending on what he wants to specialize in. We met in college while he was in med school and I was in the PT graduate program.
He is in year 1 and his salary is barely enough to cover rent. Rent is $2600 for both of us and $1300 a person not including utilities. It’s expensive because we have to live near the hospital as he has call sometimes.
With food, car insurance, gas etc he is just making it. And with interest rates on his student loans he doesn’t want to take more out to live. I make over double what he does and he wants me to cover most of the rent.
But I feel hesitant because he said he doesn’t want to get married until he is done residency and becomes a fully qualified doctor. We have been dating for 3 years and living together for over 2 and I feel like waiting 3-5 more years to get married is way too long.
He says it’s because he can’t marry me with so many loans. But I have a lot of loans as well. Not as much as him but it’s not like we both don’t have a lot of student loan debt.
I also just started making this much money and have been putting in lump sums into paying off my student loans. I just feel like if he is going to wait so long he probably isn’t sure about this relationship and I don’t want to pay into a relationship he doesn’t feel confident enough about to go further in.
I told him I don’t want to pay more towards rent until marriage and he is accusing me of pushing him before he is ready. I have dropped the topic of marriage but he keeps pushing for me to cover more rent, saying if I’m not willing then how can he consider the relationship serious enough for marriage.
We also want kids and I don’t want them out of wedlock so in 3-5 years I’m going to be 30-32 before we even try for a child. I’m not saying we will have one now, it’s too early but I’m not sure this timeline works for me especially since we have been dating for 3 years already.
But he thinks since I make more I should cover more even if we weren’t serious enough for marriage. AITA?
NTA.Tell him: You're not ready to commit to get married, and I'm not ready to commit my finances to cover your rent obligations. Both can be remedied with one fell swoop.
Or, you could play hardball and let him know that you'd consider the rent payments to be a loan, repayment of which will be negated upon marriage, but without a proposal, it'll be due the moment he becomes a fully qualified doctor.
Side note "can't marry you because I have loans" is a bizarre notion - what, will those loans disappear once he becomes a fully licensed doctor? No. He'll have them for years and years.
NTA - he is giving you the run around. What is the actual story here? He can't marry you yet because he doesn't have enough money, or he can't marry you yet because you won't pay his bills for him, so he can't trust that you are serious?
I really don't like these mind games, and it doesn't make him seem like a super honest or straight forward person.
If he doesn't see marriage for another 3-5 years, then it's an awfully big ask for you to fund him for that period, especially because you have no guarantee that he will ever be ready for marriage with you.
He's going to be a doctor, so he will make enough money to pay back those loans, and he's really just being greedy. He should either marry you or take out loans. Why give him the financial benefits of marriage without him having to make any commitment to you?
NAH. It sounds like you’re the person who is unsure if this relationship will work for you. I can only speak from my own experience but I knew I was going to be with my husband forever … married, not married, kids, no kids, job, no job.
There’s never going to be a “perfect” time to start living. You are already doing that. If that’s not enough for you … then I’m going to say this might not be the guy for you. Don’t put your life on hold & don’t rush someone who isn’t ready.
If your goals & priorities aren’t the same then what are you both working towards? (btw happily married 32 years, 4 adult kids, starting our next chapter in life soon — retirement!)