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Woman refuses proposal because she would lose health insurance and alimony. AITA?

Woman refuses proposal because she would lose health insurance and alimony. AITA?


'AITA for rejecting my boyfriend's proposal because I'd lose my health insurance and alimony?'


I (44F) divorced my ex husband ( 47M) 2 years ago and have been dating my boyfriend (45M) since ( no cheating) . My ex and I were fighting a lot, but the divorce was less litigious than expected.

My ex husband ' James' and I were married for 21 years. In the state of Massachusetts, I as his ex spouse was able to stay on his group health insurance. In addition, the judge ordered that since I stayed home to raise our 4 kids ( 21M, 19F, 18M, 16M) that I get alimony for life, or until I ( only I, not my ex) remarried.

In terms of health insurance, I'd lose it if either James or I remarried. However, James has been very open about the fact that he hates the idea of marriage/ marrying again even more than he hates me still be covered under his health insurance policy.

His exact words were ' Well, luckily for you, it's not emotionally or financially cost effective for me to marry just to get you off my health insurance.'

For the entire length of our marriage, part of the reason I didn't work is because my ex is a doctor and after doing calculations, we realized I'd never make enough to even get close to covering the childcare costs for 4 kids. I checked and saw that if I had continued my administrative job, I'd be making $17 an hour today. I have no chance of making even that now.

My boyfriend and I are very much in love. In many ways I wish I'd met him first. He's empathetic, and unlike my ex, he values work life balance instead of running between a private practice and the psych ward at a county hospital to work 24/7.

However, my boyfriend and I don't live together and besides small presents to each other, we pay for ourselves. Things were good but my boyfriend changed after I had a pregnancy scare. He said that if I get pregnant again, he wants us to be living under one roof, and not like two divorced parents. So he proposed.

I was upset, but had to turn it down because love aside, this was my health insurance and only source of income on the line. I didn't understand why my boyfriend was so upset and didn't understand. He is a case manager at a nonprofit and we'd be living on half the income I'm currently living on ( if we take out child support) and that is bound to create tension on both sides.

Just want to add, we cannot move in together either. As the archaic family court laws would see that and assume that my boyfriend and i would be sharing finances or i would be in some supported by my boyfriend by the fact of us moving in together. If I could move in together with him and not lose my benefits, we'd be doing so. AITA?

Here were the top rated comments from readers:


You're not an a**hole but let's summarize your situation. You've chosen a check from your ex over the love of your boyfriend. You do you, but your boyfriend is right to be p*ssed and if it were me, I'd leave your a** rather than play the game of 'How can I get the love of one man and the money from another' That's bullsh*t.


This is actually the exact reason people on disability can’t get married. If they tie the knot, they lose their income even if the spouse can’t make enough money to support them.


YTA. You don't buy your boyfriend small things, your ex husband buys your boyfriend things.


Wtf??? Do people not understand why alimony is a thing? That this lady's job was a SAHM for 21 years, and because of that, she had no resume to speak of.

So while she supported her doctor husband, because they divorced, Reddit is now telling her she needs to get an entry level job, basically start over like she's fresh out of high school, except older and less desirable of a hire. While her husband keeps on keeping on with dr money. She gave up the best years of her life for him.


Why haven't you started working even tho you're getting alimony? You could be working towards more independence but rather be a cake eater in this situation. You're about to lose this dude as you have shown him which you value more.

So, do you think the OP was right to reject her boyfriend's proposal of marriage or should she be putting their love and their relationship first?

Sources: Reddit
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