'AITA for rejecting my BF's proposal because I'd lose my health insurance and alimony?'
"AITA for rejecting my BF's proposal because I'd lose my health insurance and alimony?"
I (44F) divorced my ex husband ( 47M) 2 years ago and have been dating my boyfriend (45M) since ( no cheating) . My ex and I were fighting a lot, but the divorce was less litigious than expected.
My ex husband ' James' and I were married for 21 years. In the state of Massachusetts, I as his ex spouse was able to stay on his group health insurance. In addition, the judge ordered that since I stayed home to raise our 4 kids ( 21M, 19F, 18M, 16M) that I get alimony for life, or until I ( only I, not my ex) remarried.
In terms of health insurance, I'd lose it if either James or I remarried. However, James has been very open about the fact that he hates the idea of marriage/ marrying again even more than he hates me still be covered under his health insurance policy.
His exact words were ' Well, luckily for you, it's not emotionally or financially cost effective for me to marry just to get you off my health insurance.'
For the entire length of our marriage, part of the reason I didn't work is because my ex is a doctor and after doing calculations, we realized I'd never make enough to even get close to covering the childcare costs for 4 kids. I checked and saw that if I had continued my administrative job, I'd be making $17 an hour today. I have no chance of making even that now.
My boyfriend and I are very much in love. In many ways I wish I'd met him first. He's empathetic, and unlike my ex, he values work life balance instead of running between a private practice and the psych ward at a county hospital to work 24/7.
However, my boyfriend and I don't live together and besides small presents to each other, we pay for ourselves. Things were good but my boyfriend changed after I had a pregnancy scare. He said that if I get pregnant again, he wants us to be living under one roof, and not like two divorced parents. So he proposed.
I was upset, but had to turn it down because love aside, this was my health insurance and only source of income on the line. I didn't understand why my boyfriend was so upset and didn't understand. He is a case manager at a nonprofit and we'd be living on half the income I'm currently living on ( if we take out child support) and that is bound to create tension on both sides.
Just want to add, we cannot move in together either. As the archaic family court laws would see that and assume that my boyfriend and i would be sharing finances or i would be in some supported by my boyfriend by the fact of us moving in together. If I could move in together with him and not lose my benefits, we'd be doing so. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
Did you talk to him about just getting married symbolically and not legally?
You're both at an age where you should be able to talk about this objectively and pragmatically.
Throwawayquare20 OP responded:
Well my boyfriend's main sticking point is that he wants to live together. Getting married symbolically is a grey area legally where alimony is concerned, and I really don't want to give my ex ammunition to show that I am holding myself and my boyfriend out as a joint entity in any way.
So if he is ok with us just saying something in private and being bonded together spiritually, sure. But it cannot involve living together, sharing assets, or holding ourselves out as a de facto married couple in any way.
We can't live together as my ex's lawyers would argue that this would be considered cohabitation. But somebody suggested reading vows to each other in private where nobody but the two of us would know. I don't think he'd be up to that, and if we did get pregnant, we wouldn't live together either as it would still impact my health insurance and alimony.
anotherworthlessman
You're not an a**@ole but let's summarize your situation. You've chosen a check from your ex over the love of your boyfriend. You do you, but your boyfriend is right to be p*@$ed and if it were me, I'd leave your a** rather than play the game of 'How can I get the love of one man and the money from another' That's bullsh*t.
Hetakuoni
This is actually the exact reason people on disability can’t get married. If they tie the knot, they lose their income even if the spouse can’t make enough money to support them.
Chemsumblebee66
YTA. You don't buy your boyfriend small things, your ex husband buys your boyfriend things.
FictionalContext
Wtf??? Do people not understand why alimony is a thing? That this lady's job was a SAHM for 21 years, and because of that, she had no resume to speak of.
So while she supported her doctor husband, because they divorced, Reddit is now telling her she needs to get an entry level job, basically start over like she's fresh out of high school, except older and less desirable of a hire. While her husband keeps on keeping on with dr money. She gave up the best years of her life for him.
Synn0289
Why haven't you started working even tho you're getting alimony? You could be working towards more independence but rather be a cake eater in this situation. You're about to lose this dude as you have shown him which you value more.
Throwawayquare20 OP added:
A 22 year old with no kids would probably be fitter and look better. You can't fight against God.
Girl. Why are you so obsessed with 22? You have a 21 year old. They are not interesting. They are annoying.
And guys might like the idea of being with a 22 year old but they are still children because of parents like you (that 21 year old probably still lives at home) and yes I have a few stretch marks but they don’t bother me (I’m sure you stare at yours in the mirror wishing for the good old days) I loved my 30s and I’m sure I’m going to love my 40s more.
Age is freeing not a death sentence but obviously we have different outlooks on age. You have attached yourself to motherhood and the doom and gloom of aging. People pay me hundreds of dollars a month to talk to me so I’m in no short supply of good conversation. I have a life. I have a big world.
You are stuck in your little bubble obsessed with age and money. So yeah. You know who gets old? Lucky people. You sound like such a miserable person. Money and age money and age. You literally cried on the internet because you have no skills and would be poor without someone’s money
If my man leaves me for a 22 year old tomorrow…. Guess what I would be 100% ok without him. I love him so I would miss him but I do not rely on him to feed and clothe me like an infant. You get that.
You are relying on someone to provide for you that doesn’t love you. That’s sad. I do know you because the woman I try most NOT to be is you. You need to grow up and not just age. Either move on with the dude or let him go.
Throwawayquare20 OP responded:
Well you said you know Massachusetts people. You do realize Massachusetts is home to Harvard, and MIT right? Plenty of 20 somethings who have done more extraordinary things than I'm sure your delusional 40 year old self ever had.
But again, I predicted that you'd fixate on your belief that nobody under your age range is interesting or can be intelligent. Or that men value intelligence in the same way women do. Remember: it only takes one.
But there are thousands. Without stretch marks, with Ivy League degrees, who are founding million dollar startups, or have won numerous academic prizes by 20. A large majority of Silicon Valley people are under 35 and making high six figures. Are they all dull and uninteresting? Please.
But sure, clap your hands over your ears and say " only when they are as wrinkled as I am will they be interesting!" I can't stand the thought of younger women outcompeting me!