When this woman is frustrated with her family holiday plans, she asks Reddit:
For some background: I (48F) lost my beloved dad 3 years ago. My husband (44M) lost his beloved dad 2 years ago. Both our parents were happily married for decades.
Mine for 51 years, his for 45 years. I have 2 brothers and a SIL but no other family members (my grandparents are long gone and both my parents are only children). My husband has 1 sister and a close aunt and uncle.
My husband and I have been married for 12 years and the holidays have always been a bit of a struggle because his family lives 2.5 hours away and mine live 1 hour away, but in the opposite direction.
Before losing our dads, we’ve always spent the actual holidays with my family then spent the day after with his family. The reason for this is because the holidays and birthdays are a HUGE deal for my family (probably because we are such a small, tight knit family)...
and his family has always been ambivalent with any type of holiday/birthday celebration. Even our wedding day was no big deal with them (I hold absolutely no ill will about this, I accept and love them for who they are).
This year my MIL wants us to celebrate one of the holidays with her and her family, but if I do that, I would be leaving my mom, who is still very much grieving my dad’s passing, with just my one brother on Thanksgiving and just her, my 2 brothers, and SIL for Christmas.
I would feel horribly bad for doing that as she is so emotional on the holidays. I, as the only woman in the family, see and notice her emotions more than my brothers do and I help her cook, clean up dishes, etc.
I have been her emotional crutch since my dad passed and she relies heavily on me, which I don’t mind because I too am still very emotional about losing him.
When my husband asked about spending one of the holidays with his family, I suggested we spend the day with our respective families.
He didn’t seem bothered by this but he’s kind of a closed book emotionally, so I can’t really tell what he’s thinking. We only discussed it once, but it will eventually come up again.
So, WIBTAH for spending the holidays with my family and my husband spending the holidays with his family?
YTA but hear me out. I'm guessing this will be your 3rd Christmas without your father and its tough BUT there has to be a point where you start to return to normal. Your husband also has a family and would like you to spend some time with them as well. These are sacrifices you make as a family.
YTA, you lost your dad 3 years ago not 3 days ago. Yes a loss of a loved one especially of a parent will always be hard. But time has passed. It's not a fresh recent event where your mom especially needs support.
You've been going to your place first this whole time. It seems like your husband does mind but isn't saying anything. Have an actual conversation with your husband to see how he feels.
Then go to his place first (regardless of what he says). Even if its been almost as long since he lost his dad, he and his family need support too. His was also more recent than yours. You and your family are not the only ones important.
NTA. Ask your husband again to be sure, but hosting the holidays at your place might solve the issue. You don't have to be the emotional crutch alone ! That's what family is for !