Woman meets husband in foster care; he leaves her for another family. COMPLETED
"My (30F) husband (30M) of 7 years is really angry that I refuse to quit my job to become a stay at home wife/girlfriend. Not sure what to do."
Hi everyone. Not really familiar with reddit and having an account but saw this is an online forum for relationship advice and could use some input.
I love my husband and he's an amazing man, but we have flaws like everyone else. We both aged out of foster care and met at a Youth Fulfillment program, basically a work camp that helps kids with no families learn the fundamentals for living, finances, certificates, as needed.
We were both 18 and stayed in contact after the program ended. He made it clear he liked me, but I was truly petrified of men at that point in my life due to past experiences and rejected him a bit harshly.
I reached out to apologize and we became friends, then a year or two later I saw he posted he on Snapchat he was in my area, I asked if he would want to go on a date so I could practice being comfortable around guys and he agreed.
He never made a move, never touched me, never made weird eye contact. If I said no he didn't ask a second time, not even as a suggestion.
We went on these platonic dates for months with nothing happening, and one day I asked for a hug and then asked for a kiss and he asked me to be his girlfriend. We got married a year after and our 7 year anniversary is around the corner.
We agreed we would not even think about having kids until we were older since both of us were the product of young parents. We've really just only focused on getting by on using as little money as possible and saving up every dime to buy a house.
Thankfully, we got our house a few months ago and we were both able to quit our 2nd jobs and for the first time only work regular 9-5s. Yay!! I've discovered I really like gardening and baking and I love having a real home.
We have been discussing adding to our family by having a baby and I feel very ready to be a mom. Scared still, yes, but ready. But my husband brought up how sad I would be if I had to quit my job since I've worked so hard.
I told him I had zero plans to quit, I would only take maternity leave. Plus my company allows maternal and paternal remote options for 1 year after birth, so I can just work from home if needed. I know its a lot to do with a newborn but giving up the security of my paycheck is simply not an option.
He told me this was what we worked for, to make our own perfect family opposite from what ours were like and I was blindsiding him by changing my plans. I told him no plan has changed, I can have a career and be a mom. Plenty of women do it. He doesn't have to quit his job to be a dad so why should I?
He said it wouldn't work for a baby's needs and I told him ok, since I make more money than you do why don't you quit and I will go back to working remotely after healing from birth. That way, we have both hands on deck and we don't have a severe loss of income as I make $89k/yr and he makes $52k/yr.
He mentioned that if I trusted him fully this shouldn't be a problem. I told him I trust him but I don't trust our current economy, but I left out that I really do genuinely think quitting my job with no savings (wiped out by getting the house) and relying on a man is absolutely stupid.
He had previously made plans so we said we would pick the conversation back up when he gets home but he's very very upset. Madder than I have ever seen him and I don't understand why he just assumed I would quit?
Not only do I not understand it, but it makes me trust him a lot less than I did yesterday. I have a bad habit of running for the hills when problems come up and I'm not gonna lie, this is making me really nervous.
Thank you for reading all of this if you have! I'm open ears to what could be going through his mind or why he is thinking like this, really just doesn't seem logical to me. He's been watching all of these videos of stay home wives/girlfriends and I feel like this is influencing him a lot.
Here were the top rated comments after this initial post:
Please hold off on having kids until this is resolved!! $52K isn't a lot for a family of 3, especially with a mortgage and baby expenses. He isn't seeing the whole picture here.
My girlfriend makes $55K / yr and I’ve been paying her electric bill so she has some extra spending money. $52K / yr ain’t enough for one person these days… let alone a family. Shit has gotten particularly jacked in the last year or two.
Just be honest and explain that it’s not sensible for a woman to quit her job and lose her career prospects and possibility of progression, and be fully financially reliant on a partner. It’s just not.
He's stuck in a mode of 'this is how things are supposed to work.' Since it's not the 1950s , however, and the world has moved on, that is not the only way it can work. You can both work full-time and have child care support. You can both work part-time. One of you can work and one of you can stay home. As long as the finances work.
I think you are smart not to want to give up your paid career, especially given your background (I am assuming you have no other family support). I would not want to be entirely reliant on a man either, because I could not tolerate that kind of insecurity.
I need to know that I can support myself if worst comes to worst (the relationship breaks up, or he dies, or whatever happens). And when you make $30K/year more than he does, it would make no financial sense for you to give up your job and for him to keep working.
But because he's stuck in 'this is how things should work' that is an outdated patriarchal model, he thinks it's the man's job to earn the money and the woman's job to stay home. Even though that model makes no sense any more for a lot of couples (and definitely doesn't for you).
Looking after the kids is not YOUR job alone, it is both of your jobs' as the parents. How you split that up between you is up to you two. It's not on you alone. And kids can be perfectly fine with two working parents - my mom stayed home for part of my childhood and worked for part of it, and honestly I was better off when she worked.
She was happier, so I was happier - and I got to go hang out with a bunch of friends at day care instead of sitting alone at home with my mom every day. Win-win.
Almost 4 months later, OP returned with a surprise update:
It's been a few days since he came home. When he did, he told me he met a girl at work and she's 'a better woman' than me, and that she has a son already and will be a stay at home wife or girlfriend or whatever the f*ck. He gets his happy ending I guess.
He texted me right before I got off work and asked me to pick up food. From one of our usual date night spots. I got home and noticed his car had boxes in it and a woman I didn't know. I tried opening the door but it was locked and she just looked at me.
What little was left of our savings, he took. And both of our cats. I didn't see this coming at all. I haven't told any of my friends yet. His adoptive parents have been dropping me off food that I can't even force myself to eat.
I haven't cried yet. I'm kind of still in shock. I wish I had a family to run to. But for now the internet has to do. I haven't answered any of his calls or texts. He keeps trying to check in, asking if I'm okay. How the f*ck would I be okay?
I never thought he would cheat. I asked him to promise if there was ever someone else he would just tell me as soon as he knew, but they've been together at least 6 months. So while he was calling me selfish for not wanting to put in my 2 weeks and be a stay at home wife, he was dating her the entire time... planning a future with her the entire time...
I feel stupid. I should've taken everyone's advice more literally. When I asked him to go to therapy he wouldn't. His parents think he's having some type of mental break. I should've stayed afraid of him and avoided him. I should've chosen a better outcome for myself. I just feel like the same girl that no one wants to love anymore all over again.
I know what he did isn't my fault. I know I could never stop him and, really, do I want a man who doesn't want me? Never. But that just doesn't stop it from hurting.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this latest update:
Thank God they never got to the point of having kids. I feel really bad for her, but at least the trash took itself out.
I knew someone like this from work; he wasn’t married but he left a solid relationship because he met someone who said she loved him within a week of cheating with him. She had a one year old kid, she wanted a father for that kid.
She’s a stay at home mom now; they have more kids together. And he’s miserable, debt up to his eyeballs, loves the kids and she’s a control freak. The grass isn’t always greener.
This fool is going to be blowing up her phone begging for her to take him back when he learns the reality of what it's like trying to support two adults and a kid that isn't even his on $52k.
Wow, what a piece of absolute garbage!! So what was his plan if his wife decided to be a SAHM? He'd carry on both relationships? He'd move both women + kids in the same house so they'd become a 'big happy family'?
He KNEW his wife wouldn't leave her job and that's why he gave her that ultimatum; not only does he get to walk away from the relationship, but he can also tell people what a good guy he is, by becoming a stepfather to his AP's child and providing for them.
All of that, while obviously talking shit about how his ex wife was a terrible selfish woman who didn't want to give up her job for motherhood. There must be a special hell out there solely for cheaters and such scumbags, i refuse to accept they get to walk away just like that!!
If they bought the house together, how does he just get to lock her out / kick her out? Edit: He actually locked her out of the car, not the house. But apparently she’s letting him keep the car and what he stole from their savings.
No, he left her in the house, he took the cats and moved in with his AP. I just hope she can refinance the mortgage on her own income and keep the house.