I (f30) run a small online business from home. November and December are my busiest time of the year when I make a lot of money that allows me to work less during the year. I’ve been doing this since I was 25 so I’ve got a decent idea of what I can and cannot do. And focusing on work only for 1-2 months is a sacrifice I’m willing to make for chill rest of the year.
This year, I’ve moved in with my boyfriend (m35). Well, technically he moved in with me because i own the house so it was a no brainier for him to move in with me. We split chores half and half. He works full time (37.5 hours a week).
When he moved in, I had a talk with him letting him know that I can’t do any chores in November/December and asked if he could pick up the slack because I’m physically unable to do any chores as I can be working anything between 12-18 hours a day (I take a full January off to decompress). He said he doubted I worked that much but we will see.
I asked again in September and October to make sure he was aware that I won’t be doing anything (I meal prepped in advance) and I felt he kind of dismissed me. Mid November, we had an argument about my chores not being done and I reminded him of what I told him.
He said that he thought I wasn’t being serious and told me there’s no way he’d do 100% of chores because he’s working too. I said fine, don’t do my chores, they can wait until I have time. That’s how it was when I lived alone, no problem, I don’t make much mess anyway. He wasn’t happy but dropped it.
We haven’t seen each other much because I’ve been working so much but he’s been more and more pissed off and blew up at me today regarding the chores. He said I had to have a better work life balance and to grow up because the house was a mess. I told him if it was a mess it was his fault because I barely leave my office.
He called me a lazy b**ch. I told him k didn’t have time for arguing and went back working. He stood in front of my locked office door shouting how he couldn’t believe I was bei mg serious about not doing chores and it was an asshole move to leave it all to him.
He thinks I’m a major a**@ole for basically disappearing for 2 months and following through with not doing chores. Am I really the a**hole for saying I won’t do chores and following through?
From the comments:
NTA. Someone who called me a lazy b**ch in MY house, wouldn't be living in it much longer.
That part. Dude would be waking up tomorrow to an official eviction notice.
Criticism corrodes the foundation of a relationship. You can complain about an action (when merited) but never attack the identity of your partner. Insanely toxic and relationship ending.
ESH. You’re a grown woman and can clean after yourself. Many people work crazy hours, and not just during 2 months of the year, but they keep their shared living spaces clean. Your boyfriend escalated it by calling you a derogatory term and he could’ve helped out more, especially knowing that you are stressed.
Babe, you own a house. He doesn't and thus had a default position of moving into your place. He doesn't respect the work that bought the house he's now living in. This is jealousy. He isn't chill with having to work a full time job year-round to still not do as well as you at accomplishing goals you both share.
He doesn't respect you or your work because he's jealous and has chosen to take that out on you rather than do the work of unpacking why and how this issue is ingrained into his worldview. That is absolutely not your problem.
This is a great time to lay down some boundaries and then stick to them before this evolves into habitual abuse (It is abusive, though we don't have enough info to know if it's a one-off trigger he needs to work on or part of a larger problem.)
1. You will not be yelled at in your home.
2. Your part of the housework is his for Nov & Dec because it has purchased the house he now enjoys living in without having made the same sacrifices and accomplishments that made that possible in the first place.
3. He will work with a therapist on his anger management, building an appropriate interpersonal conflict toolkit, and coping skills for jealous and/or resentful behavior.
If he can't actually commit to all of that, or doesn't follow through with concrete action in a reasonable (couple of weeks, not months or years) timeline, CUT YOUR LOSSES. Don't fall victim to the Sunk Cost Fallacy.
That traps a lot of people in abusive and borderline abusive relationships, because it gives the other person the time and power they need to isolate their victim and create a habitual pattern of self-doubt. They erode your sense of self, and your pride and respect in your own work.
Who you are and what you have accomplished is not up for debate, ever, but especially not with someone who doesn't even respect the fact that his comfort was bought with this exact sacrifice on your part over many years.