Woman suggests BF have nanny move out; daughter is 'heartbroken' and 'terrified.'
AITA for saying my 'stepdaughter' is too close to her nanny and suggesting that the nanny moves out?
My boyfriend (30M) has a daughter, Hailey (11f). Hailey's mother left when she was around 1 and my boyfriend is pretty uninvolved as a father.
When Hailey was 6 months old her mom was dealing with some mental health issues so my boyfriend hired a nanny, Laura, to do everything baby related. He had Laura move in within a couple months of Halley’s mom leaving and Laura is still working for my boyfriend today.
Laura is very close with my boyfriend’s family. She’s with the family every holiday and honestly I think they like her better than me. My boyfriend says she’s become a good friend over the years and he and Laura go out at least once a month.
And Laura is extremely involved in Hailey’s life. She’s room mom at her school (I didn’t know you could be room mom without being a mom), she’s at every play, concert, soccer game, etc., she even goes to Hailey’s therapy appointments. Hailey doesn’t do anything for herself because of Laura.
Laura wakes her up, packs her backpack and lunch and does her hair every morning and does homework with her every afternoon. She tucks Hailey in every night and sits with her until she falls asleep.
Hailey is very attached to Laura and Laura is to Hailey. Laura even takes Hailey out with her on her days off. Hailey has been disinterested in getting closer with me and her dad and I honestly think it’s because of Laura.
I was talking to my boyfriend and said that Hailey’s too attached to Laura and suggested that he be more involved in Hailey’s life since he’s now in a better position to be a father and we can have Laura move out.
Hailey heard us and is heartbroken and terrified. She’s refusing to speak to me or leave Laura’s side. She’s faked being sick at school so many times this week that they don’t want her to come back today. Laura says Hailey hasn’t been sleeping and is worried about her.
My boyfriend is blaming me for all of this but there’s no way I could’ve known that Hailey would be eavesdropping or that she’d get this scared. Am I the asshole here?
Update from OP:
Laura left with Hailey today. Apparently Hailey’s mental state has only gotten worse and she’s hoping that getting Hailey away from “triggers” (me) and an intensive therapy program will prevent her from being hospitalized. Hailey also left me a card saying that she hates me and wants me to leave.
Here's what people had to say:
phillynavydude writes:
INFO why has the dad been a mostly absent father this whole time and why are you ok with dating someone who's been a mostly absent father?
When Hailey was younger he was working and in school. He just finished school a couple years ago then was working crazy hours and was dealing with some mental stuff. His work has slowed down, he’s out of school, and he’s doing better mentally now so he’s in a better position to be a father.
Icy_Elephant9486 writes:
Laura gets paid to do all this for the past 11 years? Geez, what’s your boyfriend do?
He’s from a wealthy family. He currently works for his dad but he’s taking over the company in a few years. Technically Laura isn’t 24/7 but she’s with Hailey on nights, weekends, and holidays by choice.
Used_Mark_7911 writes:
INFO: How long have you and bf been together. Are you married or planning on getting married? Do you live together? If so for how long?
Been together for 2 years., lived together for 7 months, known the daughter for a year. Not married but we’ve been talking about marriage lately.
PomegranateZanzibar writes:
If you threatened the only safe relationship I had, and appeared to have the power to follow through, a card explaining my feelings and a desire for your absence would be the least of it. Has this child been hospitalized before? That seems extreme.
As far as I know she has never been hospitalized before but this tantrum is quickly becoming a full blown mental breakdown and she definitely needs help
starwitch2010 writes:
100% YTA So, you want the only parental figure she has to leave, and then you act surprised that she is devastated?
She’s not devastated. At this point she’s dealing with some kind of mental breakdown.
moomienatic writes:
OP I'm extremely curious how old is Laura? I've read what you've said about your boyfriend's family being wealthy and paying Laura since he was 19ish
Late 30’s/early 40’s
CreamingSleeve writes:
'I think they like her better than me.' They do! She’s been their primary caregiver since they were infants. You being their dads girlfriend doesn’t mean sh!t to them if you’re not actively involved in their lives.
'Hailey doesn’t do anything for herself because of Laura. Laura wakes her up, packs her backpack and lunch, and does her hair every morning and does her homework with her in the afternoon.' You mean she does what any mother would do for their 11 year old child? Yeah, that’s what nanny’s do. Children literally require physical and emotional support for healthy development.
An 11 year old should be able to pack their own lunch and go to bed without being tucked in.
CheMojado writes:
I might be crucified for this response, but I am gonna have to say NAH in this regard. OP was having a private conversation with her boyfriend in which she noticed that Hailey has attachment issues to Laura and that Hailey is disinterested in spending time with OP or her own father.
This was merely a suggestion, not a demand, and Hailey eavesdropped and now has abandonment issues. Yeah, the father was absent most of the child's life, so he is a major AH for this, but, has anyone stopped to think on how this will impact Hailey long term?
Spare-Article-396 writes:
Well let’s see, she’s got no bio mom, dad is uninvolved, and you’re letting your jealousy and insecurities destroy the only parental relationship she’s ever known. Oh, and she’s not your stepdaughter. She’s your boyfriend’s daughter.
AND your boyfriend should step up for his daughter and get more involved, but that’s a gradual process that doesn’t begin with throwing out the only mom your bf’s daughter has ever known. YTA. Like, asshole of the month so far.