Here's the original post:
I'm a beautician (f35) married to an engineer (m34). He is very intelligent and I'm always proud of him. He has a colleague who is also very intelligent (f31), obviously, that he is close to.
Before the events that lead me to this moment of seeking help online, I never had any reason to be uncomfortable about his relationship with her. I always felt secure in our relationship. We're both independent people who would just leave if we weren't happy together. We've been together for 5 years, married for 1,5.
My husband and I were on a 3 days trip with my husbands colleagues. A tradition at his work every autumn. We came home yesterday morning. I had a bad taste in my mouth after this trip. It felt like me and the colleague's partner (m35ish) where the third (and fourth) wheel to my husband and his colleague during the entire trip.
During dinner, the second night. I was sitting silently playing with my food after almost two days of being ignored. The partner was also silent at first but we started talking a bit asking each other generic questions. The colleague who was in a very loud argument with my husband (more of a back and forth teasing) suddenly turned around and asked what we two (partner and me) were up to talking quietly.
Her partner said that were just getting to know each other since they (husband and colleague) were too busy talking about things we knew nothing about. The colleague laughed and said: What could we discuss with you? Make up and Kim Kardashian?, and she nodded towards me. We have more intelligent things to discuss. I was dumbfounded.
I guess because I'm a beautician I can only discuss Kim Kardashian? I mean any outsider to any profession would be dumb listening into two people discussing work related subjects. they could've been as ignorant if I was talking to my co workers about our job.
My husband just laughed and the partner said: That's rude. I said nothing because I had distaste for the whole situation. On the last day of the trip I spent most of my time with the partner. I ignored the other two.
Yesterday evening the partner dmed me and wanted to talk about our SO's. He said that he has been feeling uncomfortable about his gf's relationship with my husband and that he went through her messages. He sent me screenshots where my husband and his colleague are basically calling me stupid and shallow. Well mostly the colleague saying mean things and my husband laughing and adding in.
Sometimes he would say something like: No I love her (about me) and she would answer: You only like bangin hot dumb chicks, and they laugh. When the texts aren't about my stupidity, they're about work and In one of them my husband wrote: I love your brain!!! to her. I started crying when I saw the screenshots. Never have I ever felt so self conscious about my brains or profession.
I love my job and I thought my husband loved it too or at least didn't have this disdain for it. I've been my own boss for over 10 years and I make closer to 6 figures. I never thought myself as a dum person. I like to think that I'm fairly well informed and I have passion for history, languages, cultures etc but yes I'm not an engineer working on some design for artificial hearts.
Still, the texts complimenting the colleague, hurt me more than the ones making fun of me. I don't know why. I think my husband and his colleague are out of line at best and, well probably screwing. I still don't know what to do. The last thing I wanna be is the insecure wife. If he isn't happy with me why is he here?
I think his "work wife" is very jealous of you. She's constantly putting you down to him to make herself look and feel better. She sounds very insecure. She was very quick to notice that her husband was talking to you. So, she belittled you to her husband. It's sad that HER husband defended you while yours did not. Your husband allowing this and chiming in is disrespectful and disgusting.
You run a small business that makes close to six figures. The only person in this scenario that is dumb is your husband. I hope you discover your value, my friend!
TBH it doesn't even matter if he's cheating, the man has absolutely zero respect for you and you should leave. You can 100% do better. The only reason to wait and try and prove the cheating is if you're somewhere where this will help you financially in the divorce, otherwise just go.
I have talked to my husband. I just told him that I have talked to work wife's BF and showed him the messages I was sent. My husband asked my why her BF was spying on his gf and I told him that it was because he did't like the way things went down on the trip. I told him how I too was very uncomfortable.
He was very confused and told me that work wife obviously was jealous and that I shouldn't care about her. I told him that she didn't bother as much as the fact that he was fine, no, amused by her attempts to bring me down the entire time. So much in fact that her BF was so uncomfortable that he went through her phone. I also asked him why he was letting her trash talking me in their texts.
Again he insisted that he just felt that she was petty and jealous and did't want to stoop to her level. He said that I did the same when I ignored her rudeness and he thought that was the classy thing to do. I asked him why she was doing this. Was there anything between them and to please tell me now before it got more complicated?
He said of course not and if there was something from her end then that wasn't his problem because he loved me and so on and so forth. I asked him about him "loving her brain" and he said it was strictly about something work related and offered to show me the conversation.
Next day I was still brooding, so he came to me, kissed me and apologized and told me that I was right and that he was being stupid but that he never thought about it as disrespect but some female jealousy that he thought was pitiful and beneath him. He promised to do better.
I told him that if somebody was trashing you like this in front of me, no matter how petty their reasons were or how pathetic I thought they were, I would've hated them and never wanted them in my life. Unfortunately I started crying then and he told me that he was so sorry. That was on Sunday.
Yesterday, the BF called me again and we talked (we had decided to talk after confronting our SOs). Their conversation was worse and work-wife admitted to her BF that she had feeling for my husband and she suspected that my husband had feelings for her too. They have kissed at the summer work party .
I showed my husband the screenshot when he got home. He started to freak out telling me that yes, she did kiss him and he rebuffed her and told her that he wasn't interested. That was when she got nastier towards me.
-So you knew she had a thing for you? and he said yes. I asked him to show me his phone and he had deleted his conversation with her. He said it was because he was embarrassed. He didn't tell me when the kiss happened and now he was afraid I would think it was more than what it was.
I asked him to move out and he is currently at his mother's. He keeps saying that there's nothing between them. That he loves me and would never cheat on me. That he will make her come clean to me. That he will quit his job and never see her again. I'm just so broken hearted right now and all I want is to cry. thank you for listening. I needed this.
edit: maybe I should have mentioned that he also told me he could prove that it was she who came on to him because it happened in the office cafeteria and there are surveillance cameras and that he could request the clip from that day. I dont know why I didn't include it. Maybe because who kissed who doesn't really change how I feel about this whole ordeal.
I don't understand, for the life of me, why 'work wife' or 'work husband' is a normalized thing.You spend a lot of time, working in close quarters, often in stressful situations with other people.
It's easy to form close bonds this way, but if you're remotely proactive about a healthy relationship with your SO, you should be wary of letting these bonds get too strong. Have one spouse, and keep your work friends as friends. Nothing more.
Why did he have to wait. If he had told you when it happened, this situation would’ve been so much better. But the fact that he didn’t tell you, and then he watched her speak to you in a derogatory way and didn’t defend you, which is not stooping to her level by the way, that makes this worse.
Because what part of this is the truth, it’s hard to see that. And she might be correct in that he has feelings for her and just didn’t want to act on it but I just don’t know at this point. But this could all been avoided if he communicated what happened when it happened and not finding out through the BF.
Because if you think about this way, if she had never said anything to BF, you would’ve never known because your husband didn’t say anything.
"I asked him to show me his phone and he had deleted his conversation with her." I'm sorry but he's lying. If he had told her to back off, he wouldn't have felt the need to delete his conversation with her. Look up trickle truth . If they've had the opportunity to be alone then they've almost certainly gone further.
Let's say he is telling the truth (and it's unlikely that he is)... it's still on him. Her advances weren't unwanted. He gave her the green light when he exchanged texts with her mocking you. Infidelity doesn't begin with physical interaction.
I’d never let another person tear down my spouse. It shows a major lack of respect on his part. Furthermore, he lied by omission. He’s showing both a lack of commitment to the relationship and major character flaws. Oh, and he’s cheating on you.
He deleted his texted cause they would show proof the cheated. Trust me. I’ve been there. Get rid of him. He isn’t worth it