'AITA for telling my MIL if my husband's ex goes on vacation with us then I won't go?' UPDATED
"AITA for telling my MIL if my husband's ex goes on vacation with us then I won't go?"
Alright so, I’m not gonna say much back story besides my husband, John (fake names) has a 6 year old daughter, Sophie, from a previous relationship. He was with her mom Emma from when they were 14 till 19.
They had Sophie when they were 18 and they weren’t “together” but they were messing around until I came along. I have been with my husband for 3 almost 4 years and we have been married for a year with a 9mo daughter and I’m currently 15 weeks pregnant with another daughter.
I love Sophie to death I really do, I view her as my own and treat her like so which has been perfectly okay and completely encouraged by my in laws and husband and me and Sophie have an amazing bond.
This Christmas we are supposed to be going to California to go visit my extended in laws with Sophie, my 2 daughters, my MIL, FIL, SIL, and 2 BIL, so that the girls can meet their great grandma and all of their cousins around the same age.
The plan is to go there and stay at johns great grandmas house because she had just moved into a huge house with multiple rooms and I’ve been excited and planning this trip for my husband and girls for awhile.
Well yesterday I was hanging out with my MIL grocery shopping and she casually mentions that Emma is planning on coming on the trip but nothing has been set in stone. I ask questions about living arrangements and she’s supposed to be staying with all of us in johns great grandmas house, John knew nothing about this btw.
I get upset and tell her that I am not okay with that and it feels disrespectful to bring her with us to stay in the same house as her ex husband and his wife (me) and expect us to act like a happy little family when this is not her family anymore and never will be.
And I understand she’s Sophie’s mom but that’s all she is, nothing more nothing less and if she’s going to bring her along then me and my 2 girls won’t go.
Instantly my MIL snaps at me that I’m a selfish ungrateful b*tch and I hav no right to put them in that situation and she’s as much a part of the family as I am which I do not agree with and we just argued until she took me home and things have been tense since.
I am in no way trying to get in the way of Sophie and Emma’s relationship and I’m not trying to replace Emma, we get along now but there were problems in the past of her not giving John his court ordered parenting time which is why I am so adamant about her not coming for Christmas.
John has never been allowed to have Sophie for Christmas until this year when we kept threatening court and so she finally buckled down and I just don’t think it’s right for her to impose that way when it’s the first year having her.
Christmas vacation IS our court ordered time, on all odd years we are supposed to get the first half of Christmas break, which is the first 11 days and that’s when the trip is. That’s like John asking to go on their trip to Miami this summer with Emma’s mom and grandma, it’s not right and it’s imposing on specific time that was set out for us.
I also think it’s straight disrespectful to treat me and her like we are the same, she is johns past, I feel that she is not the one married to John so she is not part of johns family. So, AITA for telling my MIL if my husbands baby mama goes on vacation with us then I will not go?
Here were the top comments from readers:
Holy crap. NTA. It needed saying and shutting down right then and there. But I'd let John handle it from here on, though.
NTA. I wonder why your MIL is so lenient with a woman who pretty much screwed over her son by denying him his visit.
NTA. Though this is far less about it being disrespectful and far more about how she's disregarding court ordered family time. It's time she gets to spend with her dad and considering the bad blood between mom and dad she shouldn't be there.
NTA. Tell that MIL to back off, the Ex is an Ex and you are his wife. If she pushes don’t let anyone go then just organize to see everyone at a separate time. The MIL and Ex would look super stupid turning up without you guys.
NTA but if your husband agrees with you then this needs to be HIS conversation with his mother. 'Instantly my MIL snaps at me that I’m a selfish ungrateful b*tch.'
This would literally be the last words my MIL ever said to me as I would have immediately gone NC. The fact that she was apparently driving you, and taking you all on vacation, makes me wonder whether you and your husband rely on her financially.
If so that needs to end (or else you need to accept she spends her money how she wants and that might be complicated for you), and if not there's no reason to be in this situation in the first place.
Updates from OP after reading the comments:
My husband fully agrees with me and says he wouldn’t be comfortable with her going either and he will not go either if his mom is going to let her impose on his first Christmas with his daughter and get in the way of his court ordered parenting time.
Christmas vacation IS our court ordered time, on all odd years we are supposed to get the first half of Christmas break, which is the first 11 days and that’s when the trip is. That’s like John asking to go on their trip to Miami this summer with Emma’s mom and grandma, it’s not right and it’s imposing on specific time that was set out for us
We talked to johns great grandma and she had NO idea these plans were in place and she was not happy about it. So it seems that MIL and Emma planned this with nobody else’s approval.
She was on my side saying it was disrespectful and she’s not going to let her impose on johns first Christmas with Sophie and she thinks it’s weird Emma even wants to come in the first place. So she is not letting that happen. I’m honestly relieved. Thank you all for the judgement. Most of you said I’m not the a^%$ole and it makes me feel good to be validated. I appreciate you all so much!