I (30M) have been dating my girlfriend Olivia (23F) for the last one year. We met at a coffee shop near my office which I used to frequent to get my morning coffee, and she worked there as a barista. I asked her out and she said yes. Things have been great so far, and I feel we are compatible in terms of what we like and want from a relationship.
She has a group of 3 girlfriends she is close with. These girls are always very welcoming to me, but they seem very immature compared to my friends. One of the girls is Harper (~23F).
Harper is awesome and we get along well since we like the same video games and music. Recently, Olivia and I were talking about taking our relationship to the next stage, and I asked her to move in with me.
She spends 4 to 5 nights a week at my place anyway, so I asked her to just move in. For some reason, her parents are the most excited about this, as she is finally moving out of their house. She also told her friends about the same.
On Saturday, Olivia decided to stay back at her parents' house to pack some of her things. Harper messaged Olivia and me that she and her friends were downtown, and if we wanted to hang out with her.
Olivia was gone, but she told me it was okay if I wanted to go out for drinks with the girls. I had nothing to do, and hence I joined them. It was all three of her friends and me and we went to a few bars.
We lost the other two girls midway, and it was just Harper and I. I was constantly messaging Olivia about what was going on, as I started to get uncomfortable with the situation.
As it was getting late, I told Harper that I would get an Uber for her to drop her home. She told me that she wanted to go dancing. At this point, she was visibly getting drunk. I called an Uber for her anyway.
As we were leaving the bar, Harper grabbed my t-shirt and tried to kiss me. I immediately pulled back and told her that this was making me uncomfortable and I would let it pass since she was drunk. She apologized to me.
As we were waiting for Uber, she again started getting handsy and told me "Let's go back to your place", and "No one needs to know". I snapped at her at this point and told her to please shut up until she got in the car. Finally, the Uber came and I got Harper to get in. She kept on apologizing to me and telling me, "Please don't tell Olivia."
Finally, her Uber left and I tracked it on my phone to make sure she reached home. I asked Olivia to check with Harper's roommate if she got safely to her apartment. As I was walking home, I called Olivia and told her about what happened.
Olivia was crying and I was genuinely pissed at Harper's behavior. Olivia tried to call Harper at night, but her phone was going straight to her voicemail. In the morning, Olivia came home and told me, "Hey, it's all good, it was just a test". I was angry at this point and I asked Olivia to explain what was going on.
So, Harper messaged Olivia in the morning that Olivia was really lucky and that I passed the test. I asked Olivia if she was involved in this, and she did not know that Harper was going to "test" me.
According to Harper, she wanted to make sure that I was not a cheater before Olivia moved in with me. Hence, she wanted to see if I accept her advances. I told Olivia that Harper is full of it because she was drunk and there is no way she was thinking straight.
Moreover, when I snapped at her, she apologized and told me not to tell you anything. Harper is just trying to cover for her mistake and is giving a ridiculous excuse.
Olivia thinks I am overreacting. According to her, Harper is her best friend and will never betray her. Although the "test" was stupid and Harper should apologize to me, she was just looking for Olivia's best interest.
Also, Olivia feels nothing happened, so I should not make a big deal of it. I just feel Olivia is dumb and cannot see that her friend tried to get her boyfriend to cheat. I just feel she is too immature to understand Harper's true intentions and it is bothering me.
I told her to stay away from Harper if she wanted us to have a happy relationship. Am I the AH to tell Olivia to not believe Harper's lies? Or do you think Harper's story checks out and I am just overreacting? I have never heard of anyone hitting on their friend's boyfriend to "test" the relationship and seems like the most outrageous excuse.
I would be physically incapable of being with someone that naive and I say that as someone who is himself at times naive.
Dude I'm more dense than a gold bar and even I think that chick is being gullible.
Here’s the deal:
Olivia will not drop Harper, no matter what. You will not be able to badmouth Harper ever without pissing off Olivia, and Olivia is going to believe Harper over you (which she’s pretty much proven already). The number of red flags here is significant. Do not move this girl into your apartment.
And Harper will be coming to your apartment regularly, and she will hit on you again. And again. And again. Eventually, she will get mad at her failure to steal you from Olivia and she will tell Olivia a lie that you did, in fact, fail the 'test'.
Now be clear on this - Olivia will believe Harper, not you. You have already lost this battle. It's best to either end this relationship or keep it on the surface level. No moving in or getting married.
This is why you shouldn't be dating kids. Don't move her in, she's as immature as her friend. You're going to be dealing with this highschool nonsense for years.
Before I go to the update, let me address the issue that most of the comments were discussing. Yes, I am aware that there is a 7-year age gap between Olivia and me. It also does not help that I am a 6'4'' muscular dude, and she is a 5'3 petite runner.
I have dated girls my age, some girls slightly older than me and Olivia. I do not think maturity is a function of age, and I have dated girls my age who were way more childish than Olivia.
Out of all my relationships, I have been the happiest in the last year with Olivia. She is not as academically gifted as I am, but she is ambitious and driven. She is a long-distance runner (runs 2-3 marathons per year) and is finishing her fitness training certifications. I am proud of her and how she takes care of herself. The relationship just works for us.
Now for the update. Harper told Olivia that she was just testing me and Olivia initially agreed with her explanation. We discussed it and I told her my side of the story. I told her that Harper is bad news.
But it's her choice if she wants to be friends with her. Olivia was more pissed at Harper that she did not tell her about the test beforehand, and had her doubts about Harper's story. I decided to drop the issue since I do not want Olivia to be broken off from her friends' group because of me.
Olivia just couldn't get over the incident and kept on asking me for more details every day. Finally, yesterday we had a long discussion about it. I told her that testing someone's boyfriend is a very insecure thing to do.
Doing it without telling Olivia was horrible as she did try to kiss me and physically seduce me into coming to our apartment. My point was if my friend ever tried to kiss Olivia and ask her to cheat on me, I would immediately drop that friend, if not do something worse.
She understood that but kept on repeating, what if Harper was just acting convincingly and did something stupid, but not evil? She told me that although Harper is very promiscuous, she would never try to steal someone's boyfriend.
She also told me that Harper has a type of guy who she dates and I am not the type of guy she would date. I don't want to admit it, but that did hurt my ego. Olivia just kept on repeating that we would never really know what Harper was thinking that night.
She may be trying to test me, but got drunk and went too far. I told Olivia, that maybe she should test Harper and see what was really in her mind. Olivia was confused but went with what I was saying.
I told Olivia to message Harper that she was going to visit her parents' place over the weekend and ask her to meet for brunch on Sunday. Harper replied and said it sounded great and they decided a place to meet.
After an hour, Olivia and I messaged Harper from my Snapchat with just a blank image and said "Thinking about you...". We waited for 10 minutes and Harper replied with two topless bathroom selfies.
Olivia was beyond mad at this point, but I told her to wait and see what happens next. Harper then replied saying, "Hey, Olivia is gone for the weekend. Maybe I can show you this in person on Saturday...".
At this point, Olivia was just trying to keep it together. She snatched the phone from my hand, took a selfie of her face, and messaged it to Harper. Harper started blowing up Olivia's phone with missed calls and frantically messaging her. Her excuse was again, "I was right about your boyfriend. He is a cheat. I was testing him to see what was on his mind."
Olivia did not reply to any of her messages and it took a while to console her. I felt bad blowing up their friendship, but I knew what Harper was doing that night, and I felt she should not get away with it.
Did I do something extremely immature for a 30-year-old guy? YES! Did it feel good? Also Yes. I feel any person hitting on their friend's partner deserves this treatment, regardless of their age.
I don't know if Olivia and Harper would patch up in the future or how it will affect her friends group. I sometimes feel guilty for the fact that I went out for drinks with Harper and friends and that is what led to this whole situation.
Olivia does not deserve to have her best friend betray her trust in this way. So, in the spirit of this subreddit, am I the AH for testing my girlfriend's friend, who tried to "test" me?
NTA. Childish but effective. If Harper had immediately sent your message to Olivia, the test might be inconclusive. Personally, my ego would suffer more from realizing that someone lacked sufficient belief in my integrity to think I would cheat on my spouse with them than from learning that I am not their type, though.
NTA. While I'm usually against "testing", I think that given their past friendship, it was the only way to get your girlfriend to truly understand what the real Harper was like. Do yourself a favor - take your girlfriend out tonight.
If she asks why, tell her it's to thank her for trusting you in this and also to express sympathy on how this will affect their relationship going forward. That you just want her to know that you love her, care for her, and want the best for her. And while you're busy making those plans, don't forget to make plans for next Wednesday too... :-)
She's not academically gifted, but she's super fit. Translation: She's dumb and hot, so the seven year age difference doesn't matter. I personally don't get in a twit about age differences of seven years, but the dude's defense of the age difference was gross.
yeah lmao. also it’s not that it’s seven years, it’s that they started dating when she was 21-22, and he’s having issues with her and her friends being “immature”. yeah dude, you’re literally dating an immature young adult. smh.
Joking aside, the way OP and his GF handled the situation was petty AF, but I wouldn’t call it “childish” or “immature”. Firstly, OP was willing to drop the subject entirely AND not raise a fuss about his GF hanging out with her bad news “friend”; it was the GF’s persistent doubts that led to the Uno Reverse.
And though OP suggested it, GF was 100% down with testing her friend’s intentions. Which they did together, after a serious conversation about their relationship; hardly a trademark of an immature decision.