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Woman tired of 'babying' her husband; he says his therapist 'doesn't like her.' AITA?

Woman tired of 'babying' her husband; he says his therapist 'doesn't like her.' AITA?

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"AITA for not doing the homework my husband's therapist assigned to me?"

secretsecretwhisper

My husband and I have been together for over a decade. During this time he's been in therapy on and off. He had a hard time finding a therapist that was right for him.

A few of his therapists early on encouraged him to just medicate (with no regular sessions) and one pushed religion on him. Neither of these worked. What he needed was someone to meet with him semi regularly, not push their religious beliefs on him, and instead work with him to develop appropriate strategies/talk through issues.

Whenever he told me about one of these more questionable strategies (i.e. pushing 'just love Jesus') I said I thought that was inappropriate and he should find a better therapist and go without until then.

There have been long stretches where he has gone without therapy because my husband isn't generally good at taking care of himself. That falls on me. I have to remind him to do things to keep him healthy/taken care of. Drink water. Eat more than once a day. There are literally times I have had to tell him he needs to brush his teeth.

He also gets anxious making any decisions on his own. I have to help him pick out new clothes, write emails to work colleagues or groups of friends. He can't make plans for us- I have to make them all. Or, I should say, I have to help him make the plans so then he can say he made them.

He's a good person. He loves me so much. But he is so dependent on me. It is draining. I have to spend an hour at least once a week talking him through whatever crisis he's having. Sometimes this crisis is over what new collectable to buy. A collectable for him. That I do not have any interest in.

I finally demanded that he look into therapists again. I told him I can not be his therapist and he cannot depend on me this much. He needs to start taking care of himself and get a therapist that will work with him to develop these skills.

And he did! Which is great. However a month into therapy he said his therapist had homework for me. I was supposed to write out a list of all his great qualities- at least a page or two.

Mind you, this is after YEARS of me carrying all his emotional baggage, essentially mothering him, giving him credit for things I did so he could feel better about himself, and one year, I did in fact write out 100 things that I thought were great about him for a gift.

I was so frustrated. I said no. I said therapy is his work, not mine, and I've spent too many years of our lives solving things for him. It wasn't fair to ask me to sit down and do this homework when the point of his therapy was for him to build his own skills without depending on me all the time.

He was upset but accepted it, and said he understood. Well, just the other day he told me that his therapist doesn't like me. And thinks I should be thanking and showing him appreciation more.

I told him I didn't care what his therapist thought- they are his therapist. This does have me thinking though, AITA for not doing the homework his therapist assigned to me?

Here were the top rated comments from readers:

FuzzyMom2005

NTA. But I think you need your own therapist. You're carrying 99% of this relationship, and it seems to be draining your completely. What are you doing to care for yourself?

PoisonPlushi

Honestly, in this situation if my partner had told me that his therapist didn't like me I would just say, "Good. Divorce me." and go stay with a friend or in a hotel for a week or two. It's possible that I might ring the therapist and let her have it too, but that would depend heavily on my level of "Ok I'm done now" vs my level of anger.

StAlvis

NTA.

Is your husband searching for therapists by, like, 1-star ratings at the top?

95sEclecticCollector

Either that or he is taking what they say, manipulating it, and then weaponizing it against her so that she will continue to do all the emotional and mental labor of/for their relationship and household.

Ssn81

My therapist once asked me to write down things I liked about myself.... considering how much he depends on OP to do everything it could possibly be that this was his homework he was trying to outsource.

This seemed to be a common opinion from commenters:

Zykium

NTA - My guess is the therapist asked your husband to write a list of what he considers his good qualities and he planned to copy your list.

Repulsive-Friend-619

Isn’t two pages a lot to ask of the wife?? They couldn’t start with 10 things? This is why I think the doctor asked the husband, who then added yet another thing the wife had to do.

Existing_Fox_6317

NTA. If the therapist wants you involved in his treatment he should schedule to meet with you or ask you to sit in on your husband’s session. It’s wildly inappropriate for a therapist to tell a client that they personally don’t like one’s spouse. It also sounds like your husband is not being completely honest about why he’s there.

But essentially, your husband’s therapy should be about him learning to move through life without relying on others to clear his path for him. Creating a treatment plan that relies on someone else to do work before he is expected to move forward with his own is counterproductive.

ToxicEnabler

NTA but I think you need couple's counselling. The fact that him needing to be more independent got spun so quickly into you needing to thank him more sounds like you're not speaking the same language.

So, what do you think really happened here? Wouldn't it be better to go to couples therapy?

Sources: Reddit
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