'AITA for leaving my BF behind after agreeing to be the designated driver?' UPDATED
"AITA for leaving my BF behind after agreeing to be the designated driver?"
My (33F) boyfriend (33M) of four years is a big football fan and he has a tradition of meeting up with his high school friends at a bar for Super Bowl every year. It’s often the only time in a year he gets to see some of these friends because they’re busy with their families and life.
I don’t like football, so I’m happy to be able to drop him off somewhere, have an evening to myself and pick him up when he’s ready to come home. He tends to go hard with the alcohol when he’s out with this group.
Last night, my boyfriend texted me that he was almost ready to be picked up, so I headed to the bar. He wasn’t as ready as he made it seem, so I ended up going in and sitting down with them while everyone finished their round of drinks.
He was pretty drunk and he started getting handsy in a way that I wasn’t comfortable with out in public. So I politely asked him to stop. I didn’t want to make a scene so I leaned in to whisper in his ear asking to stop.
He got angry and whispered back “You should consider yourself lucky that I’m going home with you. I could go home with any woman here if I wanted to.” (He couldn’t but he’s always been a dreamer lol)
I was taken aback as he’s never said anything like that to me before. I get he was drunk but still. Anger set in and I excused myself as if I was going to the bathroom. I ended up leaving and texted him to let him know I left.
Unfortunately, he had arranged for me to drive two of his friends home too. Wouldn’t have been an issue but he also hadn’t communicated that with me. Instead of calling an Uber or Taxi like I assumed he would, one of his friends called his wife. The wife had to wake their toddler up to go and pick them up.
My boyfriend was furious when he came home and still is this morning. He slept on the couch and we had an argument before he left for work. He says I embarrassed him by just up and leaving. He vehemently denies saying what he did, doesn’t recall getting handsy and insists he wasn’t “that drunk” last night.
I also got an angry text from the wife saying I was an asshole for leaving them drunk and stranded - forcing her to wake up her toddler to go and pick them up. She also had a vague passive-aggressive Facebook post up calling me out.
Now I’m questioning whether I overreacted. Maybe I should have just brushed off his comment because he was drunk and followed through on the commitment I made. I just felt so disrespected by what he said after I asked him to stop doing something that was making me uncomfortable. So, AITA for leaving my drunk boyfriend and his friends stranded after the Super Bowl?
Update from OP 5 hours later:
He can push my boundaries from time to time but has always respected them when I’ve said no/stop. We’ve had a really solid relationship up until this point but this has left me with a lot of questions.
He doesn’t go out often but when he does, he usually binge drinks especially with the group last night. He reverts to high school/frat boy mode.
This was his high school group of friends that I have limited interaction with. I’ve got my group of friends and then we have also have our group of “couple” friends. I don’t know the wife at all except for a couple of dinners over the years. Truthfully, his high school friends aren’t my cup of tea so I don’t interact with them much.
The reason I decided to just slip away and text him was because I didn’t want to make a scene. After what he’d said when I tried to set boundaries, I couldn’t predict how he’d react. I didn’t want him shouting or saying something else demeaning out loud. And he was very unpredictable last night.
It seems the wife wasn’t told the whole story. I did respond to her text with an apology and explanation. Went so well that she left me on read and has left the Facebook status up. Speaks more to her at this point.
I didn’t know until I got to the bar to pick him up that I was also driving his friends home. In normal circumstances, it wouldn’t have been an issue at all. A heads-up would have definitely been nice. But I probably should have ensured rides were arranged for them before leaving.
I’ve decided to stay with a close friend for a few days to figure things out. My boyfriend and I have built a life together but I’m not sure we can recover from this.
I don’t want our relationship to be contingent on “stopping drinking” or “no longer hanging out with this group of friends” or the promise that it won’t happen again. From experience, ultimatums don’t work and lead to resentment.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
NTA. What people say when they are drunk is what they really think all the time. Just now the filters are gone and they say it. Sick of people excusing drunk people saying awful crap. The booze didn't create the words. The booze set them free.
SevenCarrots writes:
NTA. Apparently any woman there would have happily driven him home. I’m sure she would have made a few extra stops, just out of pure gratitude and delight.
pattybliving writes:
NTA. And why couldn’t they take a Lyft? If they can afford all those drinks (and likely food) in the bar then they can afford a Lyft. It is NOT on you that the woman had to wake her toddler. Are you happy with boyfriend? He should believe you that he did those things.
Acceptable-Finding62 writes:
ESH. Your boyfriend for drinking that much and blaming you for his bad drunken behavior. You for not telling him you were leaving. It's fine you left, but you were the ride. You should have communicated your intentions and given him (and his friends as it turned out) the option of leaving with you or arranging another ride home.
The friend's wife was also out of line sending you a nasty text and posting on FB. You were not aware you were her husband's ride and if she didn't want to get her toddler out of bed, Uber was a solution.
Update from OP the next day (Valentine's Day):
First off, thank you to everyone who took the time to respond. I read as many of your comments as I could. Thank you for sharing some of your stories and I wish I could hug each of you that were, or are, in my situation. I really appreciated the support and also some of the honesty in the AH judgements.
Some of what happened could have been handled differently. I acknowledge that me leaving without saying anything wasn’t the best decision in hindsight. But at that moment, it was the only decision I felt I had given the shock of what happened and the flight response it triggered.
I have done a whole lot of reflection. I don’t know why this incident was the catalyst because looking back there’s a lot I let slide at the cost of my self-worth. I had my blinders on and ignored things I shouldn’t have which I’m embarrassed to admit.
However, I still felt like we could work through things. At the very least, we needed to talk. I had hoped that we could have an open conversation about what happened and ideally a plan to move forward.
So my boyfriend and I met up today for the Valentine’s dinner we had reservations for. The dinner was pretty emotional and didn’t go as I hoped. I apologized for leaving his friends stranded as a way of me showing to him that I took responsibility for my actions (even though I feel even more justified thanks to you all). But he unfortunately wasn’t willing to do the same.
He still denies doing and saying what he did (despite remembering everything else that happened while he was at the bar). And he actually doubled down again about me embarrassing him - now not only by leaving them at the bar but for also having the audacity to respond back to his buddy’s wife.
He said that they were his friends and I had no business airing our laundry to them or involving them in “our issues.' I just can’t comprehend how someone who supposedly loves me can’t accept responsibility for his actions or at the very least acknowledge he hurt me. He obviously doesn’t respect me.
It’s done and over. I can’t do it anymore. We’re going to go our separate ways. I told him as much. We own a house together, so it’s going to be a process but I feel oddly content with my decision.
So thanks again to all you internet strangers that lifted me up and offered supportive words. I could not have walked out of the restaurant so confident in my decision if it wasn’t for you guys.
I’m back at my friend’s place now, with a hot cup of tea and Women’s Worth by Elissa Mielke on repeat. As the lyrics say “Holy sh*t I’m tired of loving a man who acts like a child” and “Holy s^*t I’m done with losing my mind just to love someone.” And I am. I’m done.
Here's what people had to say after the update:
unipine writes:
Girl I was SO WORRIED about you these last couple of days. This is such a huge relief, I’m ecstatic for you! You should be proud of yourself- being honest with yourself can be one of the hardest things in the world.
This decision took courage, insight, and self-love. It will take some time to heal from what’s been done, but your strength is more than enough to eclipse his pathetic attempts to snuff out the light of your self-worth.
You have not lost or wasted anything- you have learned from this. Please continue to stay safe- and don’t forget that you have internet strangers rooting for you, and we all know you got this!
ScaredSpace7064 writes:
Respect to you for being brave enough to do what's right for you, even when you know it will be hard. I'm betting next Valentine's Day, you'll look back on taking control of your life with pride. You'll be so much better equipped for your next relationship which can't help but be far superior to this one! Love yourself first. XXOOX.
Fearless-Ad-2520 writes:
Good for you. Your life is going to be so much better with the lost weight of useless waste of space he is.