GF tired of BF prioritizing best friend; readers say, 'wake up; they're in love.' UPDATE
"My boyfriend (28M) abandoned me (32F) on our date for his best friend (28M) who 'needed him'"
throwawayAITAbeachbf
My boyfriend "Andrew" and I have been dating for 2 years. One of the main problems I have with him is that he's attached, to an obsessive degree if I'm being honest, to his best friend Eddie. I'd even describe their friendship as Eddie being completely dependent on Andrew like a needy child would be.
This is a problem because Eddie and I don't get along. He's always been hostile to me since the day we met for no reason, and I'm not the type of person who takes crud from anyone so of course I am equally hostile back. I'm also certain that Eddie is in love with Andrew.
He can never keep a relationship for long but anyone he dates is a carbon copy of Andrew in terms of looks. He's also constantly touching Andrew whenever they're together, often kicking me off from my seat next to him so he can sit there. To me, it's rude to be so blatant about your feelings for a taken man but I guess Andrew is willfully oblivious.
Anyways after a hard few weeks of work, I finally got a break and wanted to veg at home. But no, Andrew wanted to take me out, to the beach specifically, in order to celebrate. I hate the beach yet he still took me.
So already I was a bit pi$$ed, but then it got worse when he told me that he had to keep his phone on because Eddie was meeting up with some guy he met online and Andrew was scared the guy was bad news.
I was shocked, Eddie's a grown man he can take care of himself, but I told myself I'd be reasonable. That was a big mistake because sure enough, two hours in, guess who calls? None other than Eddie, begging Andrew to come and get him because he's "scared for his safety."
I saw red. Somehow a grown adult can't get home by himself and has to wait for my boyfriend to come get him despite said boyfriend being 30 min away. He could‘ve called an Uber or asked the staff at the bar for help but instead he decided to ruin our date.
I cussed my boyfriend out but he gave no sh!+s and dropped everything to go to him, leaving me stranded with no ride at a beach I didn't want to be at. He all but ran to the car and dipped, all the while I was raging at him. He didn’t let me go because he didn’t want to stress Eddie out more since he knows we don’t like each other.
I've decided to block him and he can make a grand gesture to win me back or I'm done. Still, I’m not sure what to do. Even if he does take me back, how can I know he won’t do this again. At the same time, besides his weird friendship with Eddie he‘s basically the perfect boyfriend.
Here were the top rated comments after the OP's orginal post:
Sputtrosa
ESH. He is an AH because of.. well, all of it. You, because of this.
"he can either make a grand gesture to win me back or I'm done"
Just.. stop with the romcom fantasy world of yours.
squishynia
I agree because of this whole situation around the best friend when saying he couldn't make it home on his own "he's a grown man"... Like yeah.. A grown man who is uncertain of his safety? Men are allowed to be scared. Seems like the type to be raised by someone who told men they aren't allowed to cry.
The OP responded here:
throwawayAITAbeachbf
That's not what I am trying to say. Man or woman, if you have money, internet access, and a phone (which Eddie had all three), you can call an Uber to get out of the situation. No need to call Andrew who was 30 min away. Clearly he wasn't in that much danger if he could wait half an hour.
srosekw
Why in the world have you stayed with him for two whole years??? It's time to move on. NTA.
Saraqael_Rising
NTA You're not his priority, Eddie is, and probably always will be. Don't wait for the grand gesture, just move on.
Two days later, the OP returned with an update.
"Update"
throwawayAITAbeachbf
Hey all, it’s been a few days and I wanted to make an update on this post on relationships (the text got removed so you can read it here if you didn’t see it.) I read almost all of your comments both positive and negative, and it was truly a mixed bag.
A few people were saying that I was a narcissist who needed therapy, some people were saying the complete opposite that it was Andrew who needed therapy, and finally a lot of people had genuinely thoughtful and insightful advice, albeit opposing advice. Ultimately, I decided to do what felt right.
(I know I came across as toxic toward the end so I am sorry about that. I had gotten really defensive after everyone reached the same conclusion and at first I didn’t want to accept it, but that’s no excuse. Thanks to those of you who took the time to advise me, I appreciate it!)
Onto the update.
Though I blocked Andrew, we share some friends and they told me he desperately wanted to get in contact with me, but he would respect my wishes if I said no. I decided I would hear him out.
I reasoned “he’s done wrong but if he sets boundaries with Eddie and reaffirms his commitment to the relationship we can work through it. If not, we are done.” I felt it would be childish to ghost him without having an adult discussion about our relationship.
We met up and he looked sort of nervous when normally he’s self-assured, so this immediately ticked me off as something being wrong. I started off by telling him that I was unhappy he constantly chose Eddie over me and didn’t seem to care about my feelings.
Admittedly I haven’t been the best communicator myself, instead reverting to anger, so I apologized for that as well. He swore he didn’t know that I don’t like the beach, and if he had known he wouldn’t have suggested we go, so there’s that.
I said we could still make this work if the both of us were willing to put in the effort and he had a discussion with Eddie about what’s appropriate for a friendship. Well, that isn’t going to happen.
He told me that he’s so sorry that he led me on for two years but can’t in good conscience stay in a relationship with me any longer when Eddie still needs him. Despite the writing basically being on the wall I wanted to confirm for certain: is he in love with Eddie? The answer is complicated.
For context, Andrew is an extremely helpful person, the type of guy willing to give you the shirt off his back if you need it. This is especially apparent with Eddie. I had a suspicion that Eddie has some sort of mental illness, but I didn’t know the extent until Andrew shared that Eddie’s very depressed and has attempted in the past.
It was actually Andrew who stopped him before it got to that point and Andrew’s felt this obsessive need to protect and care for him since. In Andrew’s words, Eddie’s very fragile and needs him.
He swears up and down that nothing romantic has ever happened with them whether that be kissing or anything more, which I believe. Still, Eddie is the most important person in his life and will always be according to him.
When we got into a relationship he had apparently convinced himself that he could have two “most important people” but that isn’t the case and he only just realized now, two years down the line.
I asked him what will happen when he wants his own family, and he said that he won’t marry anyone, or have kids, because it won’t be fair to anyone involved, despite saying how much he wanted a family in the past. I suppose that was a lie, or maybe he only wants a family with Eddie, idk.
So yeah. Andrew is so obsessed with/dependent on Eddie that he’s sacrificing the chance to have a family because of it. And to answer the question of whether he is in love with Eddie, he says he is straight but he’s never felt anything like when he’s around Eddie, though now that I write this I think that it just could be because they have a codependent relationship.
I’m not fully convinced he’s in love with Eddie in the romantic way, but rather he loves Eddie so much that he will do anything for him. Then again I might be wrong. To me, this is super unhealthy, but it’s not my problem anymore.
He told me that he was really sorry and he hates that he did this to me. He seemed genuinely torn up about it too, but that’s not changing the fact that 2 years of my life are wasted.
I’m a 32 year old woman who dreams of having a huge family yet I don’t have a partner and I’m in no shape to get one anytime soon. Sure I’m still relatively young, but time is ticking. He promised he’d set me up with someone as if that’s going to make up for this. I doubt he’ll do it anyway since all he cares about is Eddie or at least that’s what it looks like.
You probably think I sound so salty and angry right now, well it’s because I am salty and angry. I don’t have it in me to have a positive outlook right now. I know I should move on and stop feeding into my anger toward him, but it’s only been 2 days so I’m not about to do that anytime soon.
Thanks again to those who dealt with my BS in the comments. I know how infuriating it must’ve been, because rereading them, I too feel annoyed at my past self. You all were right, sort of. Andrew feels a need to protect Eddie, and is also sacrificing his own desires for Eddie’s. They love each other but refuse to acknowledge it, but they’re practically in a relationship already so whatever. Meanwhile I’m alone.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this latest update:
Prize-Breadfruit-110
I was hoping for an update and this is wild; I dont even know what to think. Thank you for letting us know what happened. I was so mad for you. Huge hugs from across the interwebs.
Fallen_Hawker
5$ on Eddie dropping Andrew for being to clingy the second Eddie gets a more serious relationship.
Training-Constant-13
Eddie only wants Andrew because he can't have him. Once he does, he'll drop him like a hot potato. Guys like Eddie like the chase, but get bored once that phase is over.
NatashOverWorld
Codependency need not be romantic. Hell, love need not be romantic.
But either way, glad OP is out instead of wasting her life for a guy thats deeply commited to someone else.
enbyshaymin
I am not sure this is an art room situation, but what I am sure of is it's an unhealthy situation. To put your life on hold bcs your friend is depressed is... yikes on bikes. Silver lining is at least OP found out before they had kids.