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'AITA for not cutting my brother off after the horrible prank he played on my husband?' UPDATED

'AITA for not cutting my brother off after the horrible prank he played on my husband?' UPDATED

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"AITA for not cutting my brother off after the horrible prank he played on my husband?"

My husband and I got in a fight prior to my daughter birth a week ago, when he casually suggested a paternity test for our daughter when she was born. TO BE CLEAR…this was completely out of the blue with no warning or reason. I’m a homebody who works remotely with no male friends other than my brother.

I asked him if he was accusing me of infidelity and he said he ‘just wanted to be sure’. He kept bringing it up until I told him (after three days of him asking and the stress starting to make me physically ill) that I didn’t want to talk to him and I went to my brother's house.

I called him while I was gone and tried to work it out but he refused. After all this I went home the next day to grab some things while he was at work, and I went into labour. I called him 16 times before calling my brother, who called him another half a dozen times himself while on the way to pick me up, and then on the way to the hospital.

It was a horrible and traumatic birth. I started crowning in the car and the doctor delivered my daughter in the back of my brother's van because I was too far along to move me, before rushing me in when I kept bleeding. It was horrible. I hated it all. My brother's wife, who is a nurse, even told me she honestly thought I wouldn’t make it.

I also opted for a hysterectomy as it came to that or something more dangerous. I only ever wanted one chlid, or none, but my husband wants a large family. I’m trying to bond with my daughter, but it’s been hard.

The point is that during this, while I was returning from surgery (10 hours after I called), my husband finally responded and asked why I hadn’t answered his call. My brother had my phone, and was so angry that he said, “This is [op’s brother]. I’m at the hospital. She didn’t make it.” And turned it off.

My husband rushed over and got there when I had just woken up and started shouting until security forced him out. And then he didn’t get to see our daughter until the next day because I was mostly asleep and apparently they needed my signature to allow him back.

My SIL thinks the "prank" was horribly cruel, but that he deserved it. But my brother stands by his "prank," and says that he only gave my husband 10 minutes of the same fear he had felt at my side for 10+ hrs. Whenever he sees my husband he keeps telling him that I nearly died because we waited for him.

My brother used to be mostly indifferent to my husband, but now he absolutely hates him. You can see it in his face whenever my husband enters the room. And he’s been visiting a lot because he doesn’t trust my husband to care for me while I’m still healing.

My husband is furious that he won’t apologize and that I won’t ‘make him’ and yelled at me when I said that the only reason my brother had my phone was because he wasn’t there. I am trying to be empathetic, I know he feels guilty.

I’ve spoken to my therapist and she says the apathy I’m feeling is likely general and from lingering shock from the trauma, not solely because of him. But I didn’t say much about the prank.

My MIL has been texting me to say that my family is horribly cruel for the prank and that I should go no contact with my brother, and now my husband is saying the same.

I just don’t know what to do, I’m not in a good headspace it’s been hard to be in the same room with my husband and I’ve been sleeping in the guest room with my daughter. He brought up the paternity once and I just exhaustedly told him to ‘either get out of my face or go stay with his mom if he’s planning on stressing me out even more.’

I really don’t feel myself…and yes, I am taking the likelihood of ppd seriously and my therapist who has suggested that it may be ptsd too. However, I just want more opinions because I just don’t know.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

says:

Jesus christ your husband sounds like a piece of work. Normally I would think what your brother did was very low, but I support this.

says:

Her brother helps her, protects her, stands up for her, and gets angry at the man who treats her terribly. No wonder this toxic family wants such a supportive strong presence to be out of her life.

says:

Your husband wanted to punish you with the paternity test and ignoring your calls. He wanted you to feel bad. He wanted control. He knew the risk of labor at that time.

Instead, he got punished by your brother. That's what he is mad about. That he lost. I don't mind what your brother did because I think your husband's behavior in a near-death situation warranted something extreme. Based on your post, your man is not a good person.

OP added in the comments:

If it came to a choice at this moment, I feel like I’d choose my brother. He has never not been there for me and literally the older brother every sister wants. I feel so guilty feeling that way, but also my brother (even though he absolutely hates my husband right now) has put that aside to help me and hasn’t brought it up at al.

He has even ignored my husband anger because he doesn’t want to get into an argument and stress me more. I’m still just feel like I’m not looking at this clearly enough, because he’s my husband and my own anger about this is too much wrapped in trauma right now.

Update from OP:

So…I don’t think this will be something we can come back from. I just don’t think I’ll be able to heal with him, because there is no way he didn’t know it was me calling, and he still hasn’t told me why he didn’t answer.

I know I thought I wouldn’t decide right away, but I actually don’t want to forget how terrible it was waiting on him, thinking he couldn’t possibly leave me like that no matter how anger he was.

I took the time to think of that moment before it all went down, and just how grossly betrayed and scared and alone I felt while the contractions were hitting and I was on my knees trying to breath through the pain while waiting on the phone while it rang though.

And I just don’t think there’s any coming back for that. I wouldn’t want my daughter think it’s okay to stay with a man who destroyed her trust that way either. I will be contacting an attorney, and will be meeting with them in the coming weeks. We had a prenup so it hopefully won’t be to hellish, I hope.

I feel like this situation became even clearer when my friend asked me if I’d still trust him as the one to sign off on my medical papers and the reaction to that idea was visceral. I wouldn’t—and I want him to get off that legality as soon as possible, in fact. There are roommates I had in college would trusted more.

I would have never ignored so many calls from him consecutively unless I had told him expressly that I was unavailable at a specific time, and even then…

I feel good with my brother and Sil here with me, especially so with her being a nurse and having been there through the birth. It’s really helped us bond in a way that we’d never really had time to. I’ve also finally told my old friends about the baby, and they are alternating to come and help me out for the next little while.

None of this even touched the paternity test, but I’ll get it for the proceedings, I guess. So I guess he’ll get what he wanted.

Anyway, I’m safe and well. And my daughter is healthy and happy as a peach and pretty much an angel who is happy to sleep peacefully anywhere and took to the boob with ease. Which is such a blessing since everything still hurts. Just making this decision has taken an odd weight off my shoulders, and my SIL has been really helping us bond.

Anyway thank you for letting me write this out I’m not good at diaries or journals but writing to people feels different and it’s actually brilliant for the clarity of the situation, even my therapist said that I seemed clearer and calmer. (I might try a diary again as she suggested).

I do intend on filing for full custody, as I think his reaction, whether spiteful or not was dangerous and as a father missing calls …23+ in a row could be a life an death situation. I will be contacting my a lawyer this week.

Here's what people had to say to OP after the update:

[deleted] said:

I’m sorry, but also not. This is the best outcome. You and your daughter deserve better.

OP responded:

I feel about the same. Like I really really wish this hadn’t happened, but I know in my gut there’s no moving on from it? If that makes sense…

asked:

Have you thought about if he was cheating and that’s why he didn’t answer? I actually know someone this almost same situation happened to. He asked for paternity test bc he was cheating and paranoid she was. He was with mistress when she went into labor too. Ignored calls

said:

You can assume he was cheating, popping such a sudden request on her. Cheaters sometimes become paranoid their partners are doing the same. Sometimes they want to change the focus before they are in focus of cheating themselves. I think the brother accurately picked up on his arrogance and insufferable behaviour which OP was blind to.

Sources: Reddit,Reddit
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