"AITA for agreeing with her ex and not my sister?"
As a kid, I always looked up to my older sis because she was so cool, pretty, and the popular girl. I always tried to be like her, dressed like her, listen to her music, you get the idea. I was popular the 1st time I stepped through the HS door because I was basically a copy of her.
I was overwhelmed by the attention but quickly found out she was mostly popular with only the guys. She “dated” many of the guys in our HS and they thought I would too. I was so embarrassed, I had our mom take me out to buy new clothes and everything.
Whatever she did, I went the opposite way. She wore tons of makeup, I wore none. She listened to a certain type of music, I didn’t. We went to different colleges.
Fast forward to now. Sis must have figured out her lifestyle wasn’t healthy so she stopped “dating” a bunch of men, deleted all of those apps, and met Sam. He’s very good looking with a great personality and amazing job. He was smart, funny, outgoing, and can own the entire room when he walks in.
He grew up in a different city so his family doesn’t live here but we’ve met and they’re amazing just like him. Sam quickly replaced us as mom’s favorite child and became our dad’s best friend. He eventually proposed and everyone was over the moon. I was very happy for sis.
Last week she came to my door looking like a complete wreck. She was crying so hard she couldn’t talk. After an hour or so, I calmed her down enough to get the story. Apparently they were at a party and was mingling separately when he over heard some guys talking about her popularity.
Sam joined the group and got her “dating” history. 2 of the guys in that group “dated” her and about 4 other guys at that party did too, 1 of whom works with him (which is why they were there).
He heard about the guys laughing about how all the men in the town were depressed when she went away to college but rejoiced when she came back. When they got home, he asked her, she told him the truth, and he left without saying a word.
I helped sis and she’s been staying with me for now. She hasn’t told anyone and have been trying to get in touch with Sam and his family but they’re all ignoring her. Everyone on our side is super confused because Sam just disappeared
Our cousin (my best friend) pinned me down the other day to ask what happened. I told her and she was appalled. She called him all sorts of names and insecure. I said I can understand from his view as we live in a small town and it’s hard to know many men and your coworkers “know” your future wife.
Then my cousin and I got into it. She said I should be supporting my sis no matter what. I argued I am supporting her but supporting doesn’t mean I have to agree with her. Now I might lose my best friend.
Edit: we’re all in our 30s, graduated college, and living on our own.
Here's what people had to say in the comments:
vcatacarte writes:
YTA-and so is your sister's ex...she deserves better..
Awkward_Property3043 writes:
Just one quick question here as a woman. I don’t have any issues with anyone’s life choices but aren’t we allowed to make decisions based on what our values are? Maybe they’re not compatible when it comes to relationship.
Professional-Band323 writes:
Because this is something that happened years and years ago, not during their relationship. If he’s judging her for her past actions (which weren’t actually harmful or violent against anyone) despite supposedly being in love with the person she is today, then he sucks.
Snowybird60 writes:
It may have happened years and years ago but she and her fiance went to one party and he ran into almost half a dozen guys who had slept with her. Maybe he just doesn't want to continue having this happening for the rest of his life. Like her sister said it's a small town.
SeePerspectives writes:
Because when you judge an entire person on the basis of one insignificant detail that has zero impact on you or your life, just because of your preconceived (and demonstrably untrue) notions about that insignificant detail you are being a bigot.
She was clearly “good enough” for him before he found out about her past, and she is still the exact same person that he met and fell in love with.
AnnaT70 writes:
Sam can totally decide they're not compatible or whatever else, but he's a major league asshole for ghosting his fiancé. Obviously the guy is insecure, but apparently he's too weak to even have a conversation with her?
OP, I'm giving you a soft YTA for your weird air quotes around 'dating' and the biblical 'know,' which definitely give the impression that you judge your sister and you might be enjoying this.
Because this is something that happened years and years ago, not during their relationship. If he’s judging her for her past actions (which weren’t actually harmful against anyone) despite supposedly being in love with the person she is today, then he sucks
If you love someone, it doesn’t make you a great dude to kick them to the curb because they had a different lifestyle years before, unless that lifestyle was, like, serial killing or puppy torture or something.
I’d like to address some of the repeated comments I’m seeing below…
1. People saying “so he’s not allowed to have preferences?” Of course he is. But this sub isn’t “are you entitled to have outdated views of a woman’s experiences lessening her value as a human being?” it’s “Am I the A%$#ole.” Having outdated views of women’s experience lessening their value as human beings makes you an a%$#ole.
2. If she lied to him about it or intentionally misled him about her past, that’s a different issue. I understand feeling betrayed because you found out your partner lied. I’m going off the information given in the post, which says that he’s upset that she slept around, not anything about her lying about it.
3. If she “lied by omission” then that’s on him imho. Unless you have STDs I don’t know why you’d need to disclose your number of previous partners unprompted. I personally can’t think of anyone in my friend group who would date a guy and be like “so, how many people have you slept with over the course of your lifetime?” because it shouldn’t really matter.
If it mattered that much to him, he should’ve asked earlier (which goes back to point 2- if he asked and she lied, yes that’s a problem, but that’s not the info we have)
4. People getting hung up on “well, those are YOUR moral boundaries.” Yes. That’s what makes him an a%$#ole. Judging women for her romantic history sucks. People should be allowed to enjoy dating without that being seen as a character flaw.
Double “I don’t care about your opinion” points for anyone who uses the term “body count,” which I think always has a little flair of misogyny with it (I most often hear it used as a positive for men and negative for women), sl%$ty, s%$t, or any variation thereof. I don’t care if you’re a woman. Judging woman’s s$# lives still makes you an a&^%$le.