Ex says he doesn't care if he sees his daughter again, 'I have my real family now.' UPDATED 2X
"AITA for telling my ex that his children are not my problem"
No_Bumblebee8165
Am I the AITA for telling my ex that his children are not my responsibility? I, a 34-year-old woman, have a 10-year-old daughter with my ex. We separated 5 years ago because he impregnated another woman. He spends weekends with our daughter.
Recently, my daughter has been expressing that her dad's stepson is bullying her and her dad isn’t intervening. My ex's stepson is 15 years old, so I was taken aback when she told me that he would physically harm her, such as hitting, kicking and even pushing her down the stairs. She also mentioned that her half-sister keeps taking her belongings.
I confronted my ex after she relayed all this to me. He dismissed it as "kids being kids" and suggested that our daughter should get over it. He also said his other children require more attention and if our daughter can't cope with that, she shouldn't come over to his house.
In response, I expressed my frustration, stating that I wasn't concerned about his other children's issues. He should stop neglecting our daughter's wellbeing. He then ended the call abruptly.
Shortly after, his wife sent me a lengthy text, accusing me of being an antagonist for stating that her kids aren’t my responsibility. Ps, his children do not have any special needs or disabilities. So, am I the AITA for saying my ex's kids aren’t my responsibility?
There were many comments, but one reader kind of took the cake with their response:
mtngrl60
OK. Stop calling. Start texting. You need things in writing now. A 15-year-old boy is literally abusing your daughter. He is physically assaulting her. And your ex is doing nothing about it.
Calling is not the way to do it. You need proof of what he says and what he wants to do, and you need to be the pragmatic parent here. The one who is handing out the olive branch and trying to find a resolution. So, as much as you want to set a stick of dynamite off up his a$$…
You need to send him a text something along the lines of this …
“I wanted to check in with you to see if you were really serious, but since we tried to discuss this over the phone and just yelled at each other, I don’t want to just yell at each other. I really need to understand what’s happening here.
Our daughter is telling me that her 15 year old step brother is hitting her and kicking her and pushing her down the stairs. That her younger sister is taking her things when she’s there. And that you’re not doing anything about it and just saying that kids will be kids.
Of course, this is going to upset me because, and I’m not being mean here, your other children honestly are not my problem. I’m not related to them, and I can’t control what they do. I expect you to handle that. And then your wife got upset and called and yelled at me.
So were you serious when you told me that you feel like maybe our daughter shouldn’t come over anymore? I didn’t expect that response from you. I don’t understand why you wouldn’t just stand up for all of your children equally and not allow them to be mean to one another.
If you really think she shouldn’t come for awhile, how long do you want this for? How do you think we should handle this? I know we argue, so I just wanted to text you instead because that way it is simply what is on the page, and there’s no accusing anyone of anything or making the other angry.
Please text me back and let me know what your thoughts are and what your solutions are to this problem. Again, when we text, neither of us are arguing, it really is simply that we’re putting down what we see the problems and solutions are.
I really want to work together to be good parents to our daughter, and I understand you also want to be a good parent to your other children. So how do we resolve this?”
If he tries to call you, DO NOT ANSWER YOUR PHONE. Make him leave you a voicemail. If you’re lucky, he will hang himself in the voicemail. If you are not, listen to the voicemail first. Save it, no matter what it is.
Then text him back again and tell him I see that you just called. I couldn’t pick up right now, and I see that you left a voicemail. I will listen to it as soon as I can. But in the meantime, please text me what you wanna do. We need to work this out without actually talking for the moment because I don’t want to have another big argument. That gets us nowhere.
And if he flies off the handle like it sounds like he does, he’s probably gonna be dumb enough to say that. Yeah she shouldn’t come over for a while because it’s just not working. And then you go and get a consultation with a family law attorney about getting full custody of your daughter. Or, at the very least, supervised visits only for your ex.
And in the meantime, make a list of the things your daughter seems to be missing. Ask her when she got hit when she got pushed down the stairs and all of that and make notes. And if it was recent, and she has any bruises, take a picture. Evidence, evidence, evidence. As much as you can possibly gather. Your daughter’s safety is your first priority.
One day later, the OP returned with an update.
"Update #1"
No_Bumblebee8165
Thank you for all the advice I've been receiving. I talked to my daughter about not going to her dad's anymore. She expressed that she still wants to see him because she loves him, but she feels like he doesn't love her. This deeply upset me, as no ten-year-old should feel that way.
I texted my ex, stating that if he wants to see our daughter, he should take her away from his house. Alternatively, if he prefers not to see her, I will take this matter to court and file for full custody. He responded by saying he doesn't care and that I can remove his parental rights, as he has his "real children" with him.
Additionally, I mentioned that I will be pressing charges against his stepson. He simply ignored that text, so I am taking legal action and have sent the screenshot to my friend, who is a lawyer. I'll provide further updates once everything is resolved.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this first update:
Aromatic_Brain7729
Him terminating his parental rights sounds more like "I don't want to pay child support" which is the child's right. My advice is keep the child support. I'm sorry that your daughter has a mega AH of a sperm donor.
llamadrama2021
You go momma bear!! But consider getting daughter therapy - its hard when a child looses a parent like this. Even when the lost parent is a loser.
ThrowRA071312
Wow! I can’t believe he just came out and said it.! That should make things easier to keep her physically safe but it’s gonna do a number on her mentally and emotionally. Please see about getting some counseling for her.
Also, do you have a brother or other male family member who could kind of take her under their wing and show her how real men treat the women and children they love. Please take care of your daughter and yourself. !UpdateMe about how it goes.
Cut to 4 days later, and the OP provided the requested update.
"Update #2"
No_Bumblebee8165
So a lot has been going on for the past few days. I’ve talked to my lawyer, she said my ex might twist it into me being the bad person since I Blew up on him. But she did say if he did he would just embarrass him self in court.
I also asked my daughter if her being abused by her stepbrother was racially motivated, since my daughter is mixed. I’m black and my ex is white, and so is his new family. She, at first didn’t understand, until I explained and she said her stepbrother called her a very bad word.
She doesn’t know what that word means. That is why she didn’t think it was important. After she told me this, I put her to bed and texted my ex asking if he knows what his stepson says about our daughter. He said, 'yeah he says little racist things, but it’s not relevant.'
After the text, I knew I was going to press charges on his stepson. I was debating whether I should do it or not but, after what she told me, I knew what I was going to do. I called my lawyer again, explained everything and now we’re waiting for a court date. By the way, my ex has been blowing up my phone. He probably got the court papers.
Thank you for all the support. I don’t think I’m allowed to post anything about the case, so I might update once the case is over.
Here were the top rated comments from users after this latest update:
Azile96
Good for you for pressing forward! Your ex is horrible! This is his daughter and he just doesn’t care about her at all! She deserves better!
knittedjedi
"yeah he says a little racist things, but it’s not relevant"
Sounds like he's about to learn that it's actually super-relevant.
Jakyland
thank goodness the guy wrote it in a text!
aPenguinGirl
I was thinking the same thing. I’m happy he left a “paper trail”. What an absolutely awful man. That poor child. She said she thought he daddy didn’t love her and I sadly think she may be right. To be bullied, beaten, called a racial slur, and have your father essentially disown you is a lot for a child to deal with. My heart breaks for her.
commanderquill
Who else bets that his new family is only his "real family" because they're white?