Woman tells roomie 'my BF is moving in for two months,' gives one day notice. UPDATED

It's hard enough to live with the roommate you've agreed to live with, but it's a whole different animal to live with their partner.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a woman asked if she was wrong for saying she doesn't want her flatmate's BF living with them. She wrote:

"AITA for telling my flatmate that I want to move out because her BF is going to live with us for two months?"

My flatmate messaged me the day before she was due to arrive back home from holiday to let me know that her boyfriend would be coming back to live with us for 2 months and he would be finding a job while he lived with us. He moved overseas to live and work for a year and then if things didn’t work out in the other country he would probably move back with her.

I was really pissed off, she let me know less than 24 hours that he would be living with us and she didn’t ask either, just let me know it was happening. I said I wasn’t okay with it and I was really clear that this is completely unfair on me and disrespectful. Our house is quite small and I didn’t agree to live with three people in a small 2 bedroom house, let alone a couple.

She said sorry, but she will do what she can to make sure I’m not inconvenienced. I let her know if this was happening he had to pay his share, I wasn’t happy and I wouldn’t be around much. We use to spend a lot of time together hanging out and watching similar TV shows and I let her know that I wouldn’t do that anymore and instead would just do my own thing in my room or stay out of the house.

She said she agreed with me and she would talk to him. When I got home after work, they were both there like nothing was wrong. When her and I finally got to talk on our own I repeated everything I had said and she agreed with everything and let me know it’s only for 2 months, hopefully. I asked if he was moving back because I would move out, I don’t want to be living in limbo.

She said he wasn’t and she didn’t want to change her life when he would leave. I asked if she was sure because he’s here for 2 months and I seemingly got no choice in this so what if he decides to stay and then what happens to me? She said she spoke with him and he’s really depressed that things didn’t work out how he thought in the other country and she doesn’t want to push him or upset him.

I let her know I still wasn’t happy about this situation and she agreed and then nothing happened? I said I wouldn’t hang out much, I’m annoyed and I don’t want to get so frustrated that I end up saying hurtful things because I feel stuck and unhappy.

I thought about it and even though it’s only been a week I’m still really uncomfortable about it so I decided to tell her that I want to move out or he needs to find somewhere else to stay for two months because I don’t want to be uncomfortable in my own house.

I feel bad because I know I’ve put her in a sh#$ty situation because she obviously hasn’t spoken to him about all this or if she has they are both pretending everything is fine, making my feelings about this seem very dismissed. Also if he does move back overseas after two months she’s then stuck with a lease she probably can’t afford on her own.

But I also don’t want to be living for two months in a situation I never agreed to and then possibly at the end of it, having to find a new place anyway.

The internet had a lot of thoughts about the set-up.

bamf1701 wrote:

NTA. Your roommate made a major decision unilaterally without ever asking you and giving you almost no notice. Something like this, essentially taking on another roommate, is something that any one of the roommates has veto power over. In short: it requires two "yes" votes for it to be acceptable. You shouldn't worry about putting your roommate in a tough position.

After all, she didn't give a second thought about putting you into a tough position. After all - she was so worried about upsetting her boyfriend, but not at all about upsetting you. And you have no guarantee that he will find, or even look for a job while he is there. Reddit is full of stories of people who have agreed to house people while they were unemployed and got stuck with them months or years later.

MasterK999 wrote:

NTA! It is not OK for her to unilaterally decide things like this when you are roommates. What she has done is constructive eviction. She has changed the terms of your rental situation so drastically that it no longer resembles your original agreement.

"I feel bad because I know I’ve put her in a sh#$ty situation."

You have not put her in any situation. She has put you in one and you leaving is a natural consequence of her actions. Do not place any blame on your self and do not accept any from her.

bkwormtricia wrote:·

NTA. You were never asked and did not agree with this. I hope you would not be stuck paying half the bills if you leave. Suggestion, if your lease is just for you and her, tell your landlord about the extra person. He has the legal right to kick her boyfriend out immediately.

NewtoFL2 wrote:

NTA. But are you on the lease, are you still obligated to pay?

OP responded:

Yes. That’s the annoying part. We only just managed to get the lease changed from his name (because he was living here before) to my name a few weeks ago. So both my name and hers is on the lease.

A month later, OP jumped on with a major update.

Thanks to everyone who commented on my first post. I’m sorry I didn’t reply, but I read all your messages and it was super helpful. So I’ve ended up being able to organize moving out. I gave her a months notice and I am being removed off the lease and moving elsewhere. It’s been incredibly uncomfortable and I think In the end I didn’t deal with it well.

This was all happening just before Christmas which is sh#$ty. I spoke with her again and was firm, she let me know that she understood and he would be leaving for a week before coming back for a short time and then leaving again.

I thought this would be ok, but he never ended up leaving and suddenly it was Christmas Eve and she was cooking the three of us a Christmas dinner while I was at work. I felt awful because I was still mad and annoyed that she once again seemed to lie to me and yet I couldn’t be angry that he was still there because it was Christmas and she was cooking a dinner.

I didn’t want to participate and accept those nice gestures when I felt like it was all fake. My coworker convinced me I had to say something. I felt horrible, but she convinced me and although I probably ruined my flat mate's Christmas, I think it needed to be said. I let her know that I was sorry but he never left and since she didn’t stick to what she said I would now be leaving.

She cancelled the dinner and wouldn’t speak to me when I got home and later told me that she asked him to stay because she didn’t want to be alone. She was upset that no one considered her feelings and that she was distress because she couldn’t please both of us.

She would rather I speak with him directly instead of using her as a middle man…I was confused and asked if I had a guest she had a problem with, would it be her responsibility to kick them out?

I’ve been venting to my best friend about everything that has happened and in hindsight that was an awful mistake as she is friends with my flat mate, but she’s recently decided she doesn’t want to be friends with this person anymore if that is how they treat people. Which is all my fault and I’ve tried to convince her otherwise but she won’t budge.

I didn’t want to move out. I enjoyed living with this person. But unfortunately I couldn’t let the blatant disregard for the fact that it is also meant to be my house. Go. And so next week I move out. I do feel bad about how this all went down, but I also feel relieved.

The internet had a lot of thoughts about the update.

friendlily wrote:

It's nice that you're so caring but I'm concerned that it's bordering on something unhealthy for you. You didn't do anything wrong. You should have said something, so you did. You have every right to vent to your best friend, so you did. It's not your responsibility to talk to her boyfriend about this, so you didn't.

Any fallout is her fault. It's not like you posted on SM or went around trying to get people to hate her. Also, her feelings are hers to care about and manage. She was a bad roommate doing that to you and whatever she feels about that is again, her fault. She needs to grow up.

OP responded:

I agree, it’s actually something I’m trying really hard to work on. I think many people are probably like this, where they go along with what someone else wants because they don’t want to cause a problem. That’s how I felt anyway.

But, I really wasn’t ok and even just speaking up and saying no was really uncomfortable, especially when she agreed I was put in a bad situation and apologized. But nothing seemed to change? Or she made promises and then didn’t follow through…I’m not sure if she was lying or if it was terrible communication.

It’s unfortunate things turned out this way, and I hate being in this house now, but I am glad to be leaving and really appreciate your kind words

friendlily wrote:

I'm glad you're getting out too and I said none of that to shame you or judge you. I had to learn these lessons too in my 20s. We're conditioned to put others first and care more for them than ourselves and the unlearning of that is hard. You feel like a selfish jerk speaking up for yourself or setting boundaries. I hope your guilt or bad feelings go away soon and your next living situation is way better!

OP responded:

I didn’t feel shamed or judged. It was genuinely nice to hear someone else point it out, because like you said it’s really hard to not feel like a selfish jerk when you’re putting yourself before others.

Ok-Scientist5524 wrote:

What an AH. “I can’t please both of you so I’m going to do everything my bf wants and none of what you want and then get upset when you’re not happy.”

Original-Winter9334 wrote:

So sorry that you've had to be the one finding a new home, but glad that you feel relieved at your decision! I'm concerned about this though: "she’s recently decided she doesn’t want to be friends with this person anymore if that is how they treat people. Which is all my fault and I’ve tried to convince her otherwise."

Why is that your fault?! Actions have consequences. You trying to convince her otherwise is basically saying 'please love people who treat me badly'. Sounds like she's actually being a very good friend to you by not accepting this behaviour.

OP responded:

Thank you! I never really considered it that way “please love people who tread me badly”. I suppose I just feel bad because I don’t want to be the reason a friendship is broken, it wasn’t my intention when I was venting to my friend, I just felt like I needed someone to support my choices.

Milksmither wrote:

Have you spoken with your landlord?

They might not condone another tenant moving in unannounced.

OP responded:

I have let them know, they have been really good with getting the paper works sorted so I can leave, along with some other issues. Im not sure what they are doing, if anything, I’m just glad to be leaving now.

Clearly, OP is in no wat an AH in this situation, she was put in a ver uncomfortable position.