'My former roommate's behavior is scaring me. What should I do?' UPDATE 2 YEARS LATER

"My [22F] former roommate [30M] is freaking me out, what should I do?"

TL;DR: My existence seems to physically pain my former roommate (my boyfriend's current roommate), and I'm afraid he'll lash out in anger and hurt me/us one day.

Hi, I'm fudging details for anonymity's sake, but the gist of the story is the same. I'm sorry it's so long; this has been building up for some time. So I used to live in a house with 5 other people, including John and David. I started dating David sometime last year, and subsequently moved out to make our relationship more normal.

Around the time David and I started getting close, John started to become more hostile towards me. I believe that John also has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, and after I made some scathing remarks about drunk drivers (I've lost property and friends due to drunk driving, and I stand by my comments), I think his antipathy towards me deepened.

He started making awkward comments about me and David before we officially "came out" about our relationship (e.g. "how was your weekend? bet it was... intimate". Just really weird stuff).

This all came to a head when the house went on a wine tasting trip at the end of last summer, everyone got trashed (except me and one other girl, as we was were driving), and John absolutely BLEW UP in the parking lot in front of everyone (not just the rest of the house, but also random passersby who were very bemused).

Yelling, SCREAMING at me and David (mostly me), saying that I was intolerable, that he was intensely uncomfortable whenever he was in the room with the two of us, that he couldn't take it anymore and that our (my and David's) relationship was all he thought and talked about to anyone.

He insisted that everyone in the house felt as he did, and that he had been talking to his coworkers about us (he doesn't have many friends) and that everyone agreed. He insisted that we ask the others in the house, as they would agree (they were all shifting uncomfortably during this conversation, as normal people would).

I was a little afraid that he would lash out further, and David later told me that he thought that John would hit him. John then flipped me off like 500 times, saying "eff you".

Naturally, David and I were like.. wtf... and we all left him at the wine tasting place (his parents live nearby and we had driven his car up) and drove home together because it was so awkward. After talking to other members of the house, it turned out that they had absolutely no problem with David and me hanging out together, and we suspect that everything else he said was also BS.

Fast-forward about a week of me studiously avoiding him. He texts me asking when I'm free so that he can apologize, but I ignore it because it's not my problem.

He later corners (literally -- I was standing with my back against the wall and he was standing above me on the stairs, it was such a power play, ugh) me to non-apologize, saying that he was drunk and has been stressed out with work lately. He assures me that he's seeing a therapist, which, whatever.

OK. So fast-forward a few months. Tensions ease up between us, we can tolerate being in the same room together and even occasionally interact in a neutral manner. I mostly ignore him, though.

I then announce that I'm moving out, and tensions worsen. He can no longer tolerate being in the same room as me (as in, my presence seemed to literally repel him -- if I walked into a room and stayed for more than 5 seconds, he would leave).

I once tried to point out to him that his phone flashlight is on in his pocket, and he snapped at me ("I KNOW!!!"). I also snapped a little (after 5 months of this bullsh!t, I felt it was all right, though I do know it's petty) and told him to calm down, after which he said "NEVER TALK TO ME AGAIN." I was like "OK." So I haven't since.

Now it's been about 2 months since I've moved out, and David and I are still dating. I spent the weekend at the house because David and I went to the beach on Saturday and they had a Westworld viewing party on Sunday.

I had a good time hanging out with the house -- I'm still friends with everyone there (except John), and I've even gotten to know the new girl who replaced me (she's nice). The other people in the house seem to like me, and David agrees. However, John still exhibited the same weird behavior of not being able to tolerate being in the same room as me, and even escalated it slightly:

- I was standing in the kitchen talking with another housemate. John walked through the kitchen, greeted the other housemate, and then retired to his room. We continue chatting, when we hear "EFF OFF" come from John's bedroom. I'm like... was that directed at me... wtf.

- He was uptight the whole time I was there, not even being able to fully relax. The new girl was like "Are you ok?" to him and he just shook his head, looked at me, and exhaled loudly.

- He was constantly exhaling loudly, as if my existence physically pained him.

- I greeted another housemate with some enthusiasm (due to conflicting schedules, we hadn't seen each other for a while) and he muttered under his breath "get the eff out of here" and left.

It's just so bizarre and not behavior anyone would expect from a 30-year-old man. He's much bigger and stronger than I am, so I'm afraid that if I confront him, he might actually hurt me. David doesn't want to escalate things because he likes the house and doesn't want to move (I think he may underestimate the gravity of the situation, but am I overestimating it?), but I'm afraid that this situation may become untenable.

I want to keep visiting the house as I have friends there, but John is starting to scare me. Should I contact the landlord? Sit down with John (and David) and talk about it?

This is what people had to say to OP:

[deleted] said:

Sounds like the guy liked you maybe and then totally had a complete meltdown. Stop going over to that house . Your bf has a choice to move or stay but either way I would not go over there and if it’s a deal breaker for your relationship then sorry that sucks but your safety is more important. Has your bf ever talked to him? Why’s he let that happen?

studiocistern said:

I get that you don't want to let him "win" or be rewarded for his shitty behavior (I wouldn't either) but stop going over to the house. It's not worth the stress of worrying about whether this is the day he snaps and freaks out on you. You're already worried that he might physically harm you. Also, your boyfriend needs to take this more seriously. It's shitty that you're scared and he's underreacting.

normanbeets said:

So he's verbally harassing you and your "friends" are just allowing it to go on. Not very friendly. Stop going over there. No one has your back.

OP responded:

I think no one there thinks that he is capable of harming me and that I should just brush it off. I agree that it's sh!tty but I'm sure nobody in the house wants drama. I will cut down on my visits, though.

And TeaMistress said:

His roommates should have told him to GTFO when he pulled that screaming stunt on the wine tour. That they didn't, and continue to ignore/indulge his whiny ass rage behavior, shows that none of those people are your friends. Why is your BF making no effort to move out of this place? I'd walk away from the entire situation, honestly.

Two years later, OP shared this update:

TL;DR: I never have to see John again in my entire life. David and I broke up. I moved away and cut off contact with everyone. Also, turns out I'm gay. Life is good now.

Shortly after this post, David and I had a sit-down talk in which I said I was no longer comfortable going over to his place. I showed him this post and how he was getting roasted in the comments. He agreed and started coming over to my place more. However, this became more lax with time and laziness and he started asking me to come over to his house, which I hesitatingly did.

Basically, it backslid into how things were before, and he made no real effort to change anything. At no point did David consider moving out, and as far as I know, they're still roommates.

It's been a while now, so I honestly can't remember if John ever made an attempt at making an apology, but at any rate he never made an apology I deemed to be genuine and he always made me uneasy. No more serious incidents occurred. John never touched me physically. For this, I feel exceedingly fortunate.

A few months after I made that post, I started wanting to move away for various reasons (mostly wanting a change of scenery and culture), and I realized that I didn't consider my relationship valuable enough to make me want to stay. That was over a year ago.

We broke up, I moved away, and in quarantine I've reconsidered my sexuality and am now dating a lovely, thoughtful, and supportive woman. My life is much better now and I see that that I was allowing myself to be treated in a very horrible and toxic way. I also see that everyone in that house was -- in a way -- gaslighting me into thinking that John's abuse wasn't so bad in an effort to not "rock the boat".

No one, at any point, made any effort to stand up for me, including my supposed romantic partner (which, honestly, now disgusts me). I'm not in touch with anyone from that circle anymore and honestly, good riddance. I'm so relieved that I never have to see any of them again.

Anyway, despite being in lockdown and living in a deep, existential anxiety, I'm very happy and life is drama-free (aside from the fact that I still have to come out to my family, lol). Thanks everyone for pushing me in the right direction.

EDIT: I was not expecting this to blow up in the way that it has. "David", I know you are on this website, and if you're seeing this, I hope you're doing well. "John" is hella toxic. Good luck with everything.

EDIT 2: Seriously, this response is overwhelming. Thank you all so much for your support and well-wishes. I hope all of my future coming-outs go this well. <3