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Earlier this year, one of my friends [29m we’ll call him Taylor], moved in with my boyfriend [25m, we’ll call him Charlie] and me [23f]. Taylor and I work together and became really close friends. I introduced him to my boyfriend, and now the 3 of us are friends. However, I am closer to Taylor than my boyfriend is because Taylor and I have bonded over similar traumatic experiences.
The other day, Charlie and I left for a little weekend trip. Taylor agreed to take care of our dog while we were away, which we were happy about. Charlie and I have a security camera in our bedroom. This camera is aimed at the bedroom door and bathroom door (we have a bathroom attached to our room). Minutes after we left, we got a notification that there was motion in our room.
We checked the cameras and saw Taylor just standing in our room. Over the next 30 minutes, he went in and out of our room about 7 times. It’s important to note that up until this point we have sincerely valued privacy. We never go in his room unless he states it’s okay, and vise versa. So we were surprised to see him just walking in on his own.
The 8th time he went into our room we saw him go over to my dresser and dig through my panty drawer. He picked out a pair of panties, pulled down his boxers and pants, put my panties on, and then put his boxers and pants back on over it.
A few minutes later he returned wearing one of my tank tops when he noticed the camera. He slowly backed out of the room. But then he returned later and continued digging through my panty drawer. He returned multiple times later to dig through my panties. All of this is recorded and saved on video.
Seeing how he invaded our privacy and wore my underwear made me feel sick and needs to be addressed. We don’t want to make Taylor feel ashamed for cross-dressing, but what he did with MY clothing was disgusting.
I know as soon as we get back home I’m going to throw away all my underwear and Charlie is going to install a deadbolt on our bedroom door. We don’t feel comfortable confronting him about it until we return home and are able to deadbolt our door.
Would I be the AH if I made him pay to replace all my underwear AND pay for the hardware for our bedroom deadbolt? The only reason I need those things now is because he invaded my privacy.
Edit for clarification: Taylor is better friends with me than he is with Charlie. Between the two guys, I am obviously closer to my boyfriend. I do NOT prefer Taylor over my boyfriend, Charlie
NTA. WTF. It’s not that he wears women’s clothes, it’s that he invaded your room and wore yours. Yes he should replace your clothes. Then he needs a new place to live.
NTA. Cross dressing is one thing, raiding your panty draw and invading your privacy is another. When you talk to him, make sure to lead with that you support people of that lifestyle and if that’s what he was doing, then he needs to buy his own clothes for it.
I’d make him pay for the panties, dead bolt, and tell him that he’s out when the lease is up. I wouldn’t stand for that level of disrespect. It has nothing to do with his identity, only the invasion
And pamela271 said:
NTA. Wtf. Bigger wtf is him noticing the camera and backing away all stealth like then forgetting about the camera and coming back for more.
What do you think she should do?!
Taylor denied everything. Despite the fact that we had it all on video, he tried to make up different reasons why he was in there, tried to downplay it, said he only came in to look around, and then said he doesn’t remember ever entering our room. We told him he could either move out, go to therapy, or we could move out and he would have to find new roommates.
He basically told us “no”. He said we had no authority to kick him out and that “blackmailing” him with the videos was illegal. Unfortunately, he was on our lease so there wasn’t much we could do without taking legal action. So we got to work.
We started looking for a new place to live, started looking for a lawyer, filed a police report, and made plans to file for a restraining order. But every single day I was constantly anxious at work and fearful in my own home because it was clear that he had absolutely no remorse. After about a week with no sleep and constant fear, I finally spoke to my boss about the situation.
My concerns were taken seriously and they immediately began taking steps to help me. I showed them the videos and they agreed that his actions were completely unacceptable and, due to the nature of our work, he is considered a liability and a danger to other employees. They made sure I was in a safe place before they suspended him while they investigated him.
During his suspension, I met with my bosses where and they continued to support me and ensure my safety. They also made plans to terminate him as he also had multiple negative performance reports. So this whole deal was the nail in his coffin.
However, Taylor quit before they had the chance to fire him. The day after he quit, he got all his crap out of the apartment and signed documents removing himself from the lease. He has not attempted to contact me since.
This whole situation has been extremely emotionally draining. It has caused a lot of painful memories and emotions to resurface. Looking back on our friendship now, I can recall multiple red flags in which he crossed clear personal boundaries I set. I can’t believe he was ever someone I trusted and loved like a big brother.
But for now, he is out of our lives and I am relieved. I’m still living with my parents, but I plan on moving back as soon as the apartment locks get changed. That’s all I’ve got for now.