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'I finally told my father's infantilizing friend that I hate him.' UPDATED 2X

'I finally told my father's infantilizing friend that I hate him.' UPDATED 2X

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"I finally told my father's infantilizing friend that I hate him."

CallMeDesdinova42

Years ago, my dad met "Harold" through mutual friends, and they hit it off. I was 18 and in college when I met him, and we never had a close relationship. However, he always seemed to think of himself as a family friend, and was extremely infantilizing and condescending towards me. Every time I saw him, I'd try to tell myself it wasn't that bad, only for him to prove me wrong less than a minute later.

Harold would disrespect my boundaries, say things like "you're not 19, you're a baby" while I was talking to other people and patronize me, my education or my hobbies whenever he had the chance. He always noticed that annoyed me, to which he'd playfully ask if I "hated him". I always said no, but only for my father's sake.

The final straw came the day Harold interrupted a barbecue to say, "I really like you, even though you're an impolite brat." I was 20 years old. I'd been quiet all day, working on a paper during the barbecue, but replied patiently and politely whenever anyone addressed me.

And even if that hadn't been the case, I knew he didn't have the right to talk to me like that. After that, I started making an effort to avoid any events I knew he'd be attending.

Yesterday was my father's girlfriend's birthday. They threw a small lunch party at my dad's apartment. I went there with my fiancé and our six month old son. Harold was there.

I hadn't seen him in months, but he still talked to me as if I was a dumb child. Nevermind that I'm engaged, a mother, and 26 years old. I spent the whole party ignoring his "helpful advice" about me being too young to get married or be a mom. It helped that most of the other guests seemed to disagree with him.

My baby spent most of the afternoon sleeping (there's a bassinet in my old room). He woke up hungry, so I went to breastfeed him and excused myself from the party for a while. I got back to jokes and comments, all from Harold, about how I was "probably struggling" if my son was managing to leech me away for so long.

He went on to interrupt a conversation I was having with another of my dad's friends to question pretty much everything about my parenting (he doesn't even have custody of his daughter, by the way) and to make more comments about my age.

I decided I couldn't take it anymore after he asked if I'd thought about giving my baby up for adoption. I got my son and told my fiancé we were leaving. We said goodbye to everyone except Harold.

When we got to the door, Harold came to ask why we were leaving. I tried to make up an excuse, but he kept trying to make us stay. After a small back-and-forth, he jokingly asked if I hated him. And this time, I said, "Yes. I do. Can we go now?"

He didn't say anything, and we left. On the way home, my fiancé said he was proud of me. My father called this morning to say the opposite, and we had a small fight, but ultimately decided to drop the subject.

I'm sure this isn't over, but if it keeps going, it won't be because of me. This is far from my proudest moment, and a small part of me regrets it, but I'm done with that guy.

Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:

stumpdawg

Wow...forget that guy. I'm a little over 10 years older than you, and I miss might jokingly refer to you as a "kid"...to talk to you like you're a child, to treat you that way...what the fresh what. It wouldn't surprise me if this jackanapes is attracted to you and this is his way of showing and deflecting those feelings.

Mangomama619

Does your dad know this "friend" suggested you putting up Dad's grandchild up for adoption? If not, I'd bring it up with the two of them together at your earliest convenience.

CallMeDesdinova42 (OP)

It was one of the first things I told him on the phone. It was also part of what ended the fight.

grapejuicebox_

This gave me the ick reading this, because Harold comes off not just entitled, but as a creepy incel trying to ‘flirt’.

The OP then provided some additional details.

CallMeDesdinova42

Jesus Christ Superstar, that's a lot of comments. To answer some common questions:

I don't think Harold is in love with me.

Harold didn't tell me to give up my son, he asked if I'd thought of doing so when I got pregnant. It was still an awful question, specially since he interrupted a conversation I was having with someone else (my dad's girlfriend's pregnant friend, who was asking about my own pregnancy and delivery) to ask it.

I don't like making a big deal out of things unless necessary. If I'm uncomfortable, I leave. If I don't like someone, I avoid them. It's usually less stressful. The fight between me and my father ended when I told him about the adoption comment. I don't think he gets that's not the only reason I left, but it was definitely what broke the camel's back.

I really don't need my father to stop being friends with Harold. He's a grown man capable of making his own crappy decisions. I never told my dad I hated Harold because I never thought I had to like him in the first place. He's my father's friend, not mine.

And I've been distancing myself from Harold since I was 20, meaning I haven't seen him much in the last 6 years. My fiancé was on the other side of the room and wasn't listening to Harold's comments. I filled him in when we got to the car. He's 100% on my side.

Eight days later, the OP returned with an update.

CallMeDesdinova42

Hey guys! I wasn't going to write an update, but I just got some free time and I figured I'd fill you in. I'll start by addressing the (very frequent) assumption that Harold has feelings for me.

I really don't think that's the case. His comments always came out as annoying and condescending, but never sexual. But I will say that your comments scared me. And the fact that the general consensus was "F Harold" was weirdly heartwarming.

I also want to add that, while I did regret what I said a little bit, I never doubted I'd done the right thing. I think most of my regret came from the fact that my eight years of keeping the peace were over.

It took some time for the relief to sink in. Truth be told, I've been wanting to do this since the barbecue incident, which was when I went from "I don't like that guy" to "I can't stand that guy."

My father called Harold the day after I made my previous post. When confronted about the adoption comment, he tried to twist it as him being "genuinely concerned" about me being a mom so soon, and that he didn't think I knew what I was doing. He did apologize to my father. I don't buy any of that.

The next day, my dad told me about the call. He said I should forgive Harold for what he thought was an honest misunderstanding. He also told me I should apologize too, since I'd "overreacted" by telling Harold I hated him for such a small reason.

Many of Harold's past comments were made with my father close by. It often happened in the middle of conversations with other people, so he'd be too distracted to register them.

He also wouldn't notice them most of the time. My dad doesn't pay enough attention to anything that doesn't either concern or anger him, and he'll most likely forget it until he gets angry at something else later anyway. He's like an angry goldfish.

We also have different definitions of what's offensive, so he'd never think they were a big deal. I told my father I wasn't exaggerating when I said I hated Harold, and that the adoption comment was far from being the only reason.

I listed most of the condescending treatment and comments I could remember, including the ones from the party. He didn't remember any of them. I made it very clear that I'd hated Harold for years prior to the party, and that I had nothing to apologize for.

I then stated that I'm no longer coming to any events Harold is invited to. My father doesn't need to stop being friends with him, or even stop inviting him to stuff, but he can no longer expect me to show up as well. I will ask him beforehand, and if he lies, I'll leave.

My father called me dramatic, but I pointed out that I've been avoiding Harold for six years now and no one even noticed, so it clearly wasn't a problem. I've only seen him a handful of times since the barbecue incident, and only twice for more than a few minutes (the lunch party last week and another party back when I was pregnant).

It obviously didn't ruin my father's life. I'm not obliged to like his friends any more than he is to like mine. There was some back and forth, but he agreed to my terms. We spoke yesterday about something else, and he mentioned Harold was upset. I ignored that.

I'm not going NC with my father. Yes, I'm very well aware he's an AH, and I came really close to cutting times with him in the last few years, but I ultimately decided it wouldn't really fix anything.

Maintaining my relationship with him has gotten a lot easier since I moved out, as we only see each other a couple times a month. He gets frustrated that I don't call or text much, but doesn't complain about it anymore.

I don't see the point in going NC with someone who no longer has any say in how I live my life. I'd rather just take note of what my father did wrong when I was growing up and then make sure to raise my own kid differently.

He's on thin ice, though, and has been for some time. He's not allowed to babysit, mostly because I don't trust him to spend more than an hour alone with a baby without falling asleep on the couch.

I began pushing for him to start doing therapy back when I got pregnant, and he finally got started back in June. His behavior around me and my younger sister (who still lives between our very divorced parents) has improved a lot since, and I've made it clear to him that he won't be allowed near my son if he stops attending.

This is the first time in my life my father has improved his behavior. It's hard to be hopeful, but I'm trying. And if I ever do go NC with my father, it won't be because of Harold.

So that's it. Overall, I'm glad I don't have to deceive anyone anymore. My relationship with my father is rocky, but I won't dwell on it. My main responsibilities are my son, my fiancé and my job, and that's not changing anytime soon. And to those who mentioned Jesus Christ Superstar and Blue Öyster Cult in my last post: has anyone told you you're awesome today? Because you are.

Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:

Formal_Opposite_6879

I think you made wise choices. Harold’s comment about breast-feeding, and putting your baby up for adoption would have sent me over the edge. You handled it way better than I ever could have.

You’re making healthy decisions for you and your family. Your dad will just have to suck it up. I think he’s a work in progress. And that you’ll have to remind your father a few more times that this is not a negotiable boundary.

AlexDavid1605

If instead of OP, if it were any of the few women I know in my life, I'm absolutely certain you would have seen some flying boots. They would have dressed him down with words that he would have preferred the flying boots. I can almost hear someone scream, "You don't have a uterus, I didn't use your semen, so keep your opinion about this child to yourself."

SelfDiagnosedUnicorn

Good riddance to Harold! I remember your last post, and I’m happy you stood up for yourself. Harold’s the worst and he deserves to have his feelings hurt so that he can reflect on his actions and be less of a tool to others in the future (if only)!

Roughly a few weeks later the OP returned with another update.

CallMeDesdinova42

Hey guys! Wow, I can't believe it's been over a year since I last posted about this. I planned on updating some time ago. These past few months, I've been caught up in raising a toddler, getting married (yay!), working like crazy and rewatching Supernatural. Needless to say, I've been busy.

Openly avoiding Harold has been working pretty well. My father has been respecting my boundaries. Whenever he invites me and my husband over for lunch or dinner, I ask who else will be there. If Harold's coming, he tells me. He hasn't lied so far, and doesn't usually insist when I tell him I'm not coming.

Since my last post, I've only seen Harold once, at my dad's birthday party a few months ago. Yes, I knew he'd be there. My father promised he'd tell him not to talk to me. Also, some of my father's friend's kids (most of whom I used to babysit) would be there. I hadn't seen them in a while, and I love them more than I hate Harold.

I ended up spending most of the party with my son and the kids. Harold didn't talk to me at all, so I guess my father was true to his word. My husband and I did catch him staring at us a couple times, but I decided to ignore it. I caught my husband staring back once, and the walking marshmallow I married actually managed to look threatening. I love this man.

You know who did talk to me? Harold's girlfriend. Yes, he has one now. She interacted with me twice. First, she came over to coo over my son before making a comment about how he needed a haircut (hahaha I already hate you).

Later, she approached me and said "you're shy, aren't you?" I said no, she laughed and said "yeah, you're shy." She said all that in the same tone one would use to talk to a 6 year old.

I managed to keep my expression schooled. Otherwise, I would have told her I'm not shy, I just chose to spend the whole party with the kids because they were better company than her and her annoying boyfriend.

So yeah, based on both my interactions with her, Harold's girlfriend is insufferable. In other words, they're perfect for each other. I don't have much else to add. My father broke up with the woman he was dating last year (LOOONG story), and has a new girlfriend. She is not annoying or psychotic, and I actually really like her. They won't last a year.

My relationship with my father is still not perfect, by the way, but it has improved. He's actually started apologizing to me a lot more often. I don't know whether it's the therapy or the fact that motherhood has apparently made me terrifying, but I'll take it.

And I'll give credit where it's due: he's a very good grandfather. I'm also glad my father is respecting this Harold boundary. I very much don't want this man in any part of my life.

Honestly, I'm pretty satisfied right now. My little boy is thriving. Part of me really misses the baby times, but I grow prouder and prouder every day. Getting to know my kid has been fantastic.

Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:

h1dd3n0n3

“I don’t know whether it’s the therapy or the fact that motherhood has apparently made me terrifying, but I’ll take it.”

I love this so much. Congrats on maintaining your boundaries and all of the new and wonderful changes in your life.

EveryoneTalks

“She is not annoying or psychotic and I actually really like her. They won’t last a year.”

Savage.

DrRocknRolla

Her deadpan telling Harold "yes, I hate you, can I go now?" is such a boss move. Every time I read this, my soul smiles.

peter095837

The fact the dad wasn't offended with what the friend said about his daughter shows how much of a spineless loser he is. Harold is awful but the real villain is the father in this whole thing.

Dear-Ambition-273

Anytime an adult is obsessed with cutting a baby’s hair, I’m already suspicious.

firefly232

Harold is weirdly and creepily obsessed with OP and Harold's GF sounded jealous as hell to me. Specifically coming over to make sly comments.

So, what do you think about this one? If you could give the OP any advice here, what would you tell them?

Sources: Reddit,Reddit,Reddit
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