'I just found out that my BF lied about why he moved to my city. Should I end it?' UPDATED

"I (F22) just found out that my BF (M29) lied about why he moved to my city."

I met my current bf about 3 years ago when I was 19 and in vacation in Paris with a friend. I wanted a European hookup and met him on a dating app. He was 25. We met up twice and I had a good time and I genuinely liked and respected him. I thought he was kind, interesting, and smart (especially compared to the men I was used to aha). He also seemed to like and respect me a lot and he was incredibly sweet to me.

Obviously vacation ended and I went back to the US and college. We had no contact beyond liking each others ig posts, but that winter break I ended up in Europe with friends again, by chance in the same city as him. We hung out a few more times there, and I left with even more positive feelings towards him, as he was truly charming and very kind to me.

We both continued with our lives, but that spring he messaged me and said that he'd been offered an incredible job opportunity in the city I live in and that he was considering accepting it.

I did think it was mildly odd that there would be such a prestigious job in my city (not America's greatest but it is large) but not in any of the major European cities around him, but I don't know much about his field (architecture).

Anyways I was excited to see him again, and when he arrived we started spending a lot of time together. We ended up deciding to live together that summer, as I was interning in the same city that his job asked him to spend a lot of time in, and it's a notoriously expensive city so it made lots of financial sense for both of us. I was also very happy to live with him, and we spent a great summer.

He decided to spend another year in my city, which I was surprised about again since I thought he would return to Europe, but we had another great year. This summer I found an internship in the European city he's from, and so I stayed in the house he owns (rent free baby) and he took a bunch of vacation he had saved up to spend the summer with me.

I did not expect to spend so long with this man, since he was just an ill advised hookup, but I did see a long term future with him. However, we were talking about our future plans before I returned to the US, and in the course of the conversation he ended up confessing that the original job in the US did not drop onto his lap by random chance.

Turns out, he purposefully applied to jobs in my city because he really liked me and wanted to see me again.

I was kind of floored by that- and the more I think about it, the more upsetting it is that this random man moved to a different country for me and didn't even admit it until we'd been together for years. I was already sort of on the fence about continuing our relationship, as this is my first long term relationship and he's been in a couple of ~ 1 year long relationships, and one 6 year long relationship.

I also have not introduced him to my family (or told them his age), as the whole situation doesn't make either of us look great. Now I'm even more hesitant, as although I do really love him, it's kind of insane that he did that.

My original plan was to suggest to him that he should move back to Europe for this year (he has lots of job options so it shouldn't be a problem), that we should take a break, and then that I would move to Europe next year for grad school and we could start a real relationship. That way I could enjoy my last year of college single, and then I could pretend that we met organically in Europe with me being older than 19.

I now don't even know if I want that exclusively because of his confession. I feel like I'm being unreasonable, as he's an incredible man with many virtues and I like him a lot and he's always treated me very well, but I can't shake the feeling that what he did was insane. My friends are split and I'm not going to talk to my parents about this so I thought I would ask here.

What do you think? Is she wrong for thinking about breaking up with him over this? This is what commenters had to say:

Weary_Locksmith_9689 said:

“That way I could enjoy my last year of college single” There it is. Just be aware he might not be waiting at the end of your year of fun. If that’s a risk you’re willing to take, go for it.

[deleted] said:

It sounds like you’re just not that into him. Break up and move on. Don’t expect him to be waiting in the wings.

iamthegreenestfield said:

So you’re gonna play with him, and keep him as an option for later? He deserves better.

And Possible-Bell-5290 said:

If you got the ick then you’re not into him. It sounds like you’re not invested or emotionally on the same level. But this guy sounds amazing and that he saw a serious future with you so he took a leap of faith.

And then a week later, she shared this update:

First off thank you to everyone who responded to my first post- it was definitely eye opening. I spent about the last week reflecting on all of that and deciding what I was going to do when my bf got back to the US, which was yesterday.

I realized after reading all of the comments that he hadn't done anything wrong, and that I was just using this as an excuse for my own doubts about the relationship. I also realized that although a lot of people thought I was a horrendous person, there were things that bothered me that I hadn't really put into words before but that I believe are valid.

One commenter who'd previously been in a relationship with a similar age gap said that she often felt like she was in a relationship with a tour guide, whichI realized is exactly how I felt.

It's disconcerting to be with someone who always, always knows more than you. It definitely attracted me to him in the beginning, but after a while it made me feel like a child and like I wasn't learning everything I need to for the rest of my life.

I did realize though that I had no interest in taking a break. A lot of people thought that by wanting to spend the last year of college single what I meant was wanting to screw around with random men, but what I really meant was having time to actually go out and spend time with my friends, instead of spending 4 or 5 nights a week with my bf.

But I realized that I have no interest in getting with other men, and also no interest in actually breaking up with my bf. Anyways my bf got back yesterday to the US. I'd definitely been a bit weird with him since he'd told me why he moved to my city, and he'd picked up on it and wanted to talk about it. So yesterday we got some of our favorite takeout and a bottle of wine and discussed it.

Basically he apologized for springing that on me, and I apologized for having been weird about it. I told him that I was just surprised that he liked me that much after having seen each other maybe 5 times, and he said that with a certain kind of experience you can just know.

I also told him I was shocked because he was (I guess still is haha) surrounded by a bunch of gorgeous, successful goddesses who I can tell he has slept with, and part of my shock was that after just a few times with me he'd chosen me over them. But he completely assuaged my fears about that and them.

I also told him that I felt a bit like he was my tour guide for life, and that I wasn't really getting to experience life for myself. I told him that it was kind of disconcerting that I'm a successful woman in every avenue for my life, but that with him it feels like I'm never his equal. I think this was especially something that bothered me because it kind of mirrors my parents relationships.

I love my dad, but my mom was a brilliant and very successful woman who then met him when she was 19, and though she still got a PhD and everything, she ended up being a stay at home mom, and now she doesn't now how to do a lot of things without my dad.

My bf was very receptive to my concerns, and we decided that we would do more things together that were new to use both. He also agreed that I could introduce him to some of my hobbies/interests that he doesn't share, like hiking and the gym.

Another reason I wanted to take a break was because I've never been with a woman but am interested in that. We talked about it and came up with some ways we could explore that together.

He also suggested a break if I wanted it, but I'd realized I didn't want to lose him, and I honestly don't really want to see him with any other woman, so we agreed not to. He also suggested opening the relationship if I wanted, but again I realized I wasn't really interested.

So overall we are good and are just going to make some small changes here and there. Despite what everyone said I do really love him and I don't view him as settling or a cash cow. In fact the first time I wrote in my journal that I really liked him, but that I knew somehow that I would see him again.

I guess it scared me a bit that he felt the same way at first just because he was older and more experienced, but I'm glad it worked out. Im going to introduce him to my family in the next couple of weeks, and apparently his ex of 6 years is visiting a large city near ours next month so I guess I'll get to meet her too.

TL;DR: did some self reflection, realized there was nothing wrong with what he did, and we are all good now.

Also, just clearing up some things people commented about that aren't super important but I think some people may be interested in:

1.) I'm not a trust fund baby, I do work and have a full scholarship and get rent paid by my parents so I have plenty of disposable income. My parents are also from a European country and we have lots of relatives there so I visit often.

2.) My bf is perhaps not a trust fund baby but close, his father owns a lot of real estate and they have houses all around the world. So no he doesn't pay a mortgage.

3.) I absolutely did not want to take a break to up my body count as some thought. I think the focus on body count in either direction is unhealthy and frankly stupid. My body count is probably already higher than most of the peoples who commented. And also my bf had a high, high number of bodies, but that's not something that bothers me at all.