'My friend thinks we are sharing my husband. Am I overreacting?' UPDATED

"My friend thinks we are sharing a husband."

Alright internet besties… I need unbiased advice because I am either standing on business or slowly being gaslit into looking crazy.

I (35f) have been married with husband (42M), for 4 years, together for almost 8 years. We get along well and we actually like each other because we were friends for 6 years before dating. We have had issues since January because of my friend/coworker,(45f), we’ve been friend for a little over 2 years.

I’m a laid-back wife. I’m not jealous. I’m not territorial. I’ve always believed if someone can “take” your husband, then he was never yours — and the trash took itself out. I trust my husband. There is weird energy, and a lot of miscommunication, all coming from my girlfriend. At first it was putting a strain in my relationship, now it’s suffocating.

Me and and my friend are part of a friends group of 5 ladies, all single except me. I’m the only married one in the group. So last year, I started a dumb joke that my husband was “our husband.” I’d even offer to “rent him out” when they needed help moving, fixing a car, mounting a TV — because I was once a single mom and I remember not having help. So yes. I created that monster, I own it.

But my friend, started taking that joke a little too seriously.

She asks for his help more than anyone else. He always shows up because he’s genuinely a helpful guy. Fine.

Then she starts casually calling him “our husband.” Still fine.

Then her teen kids start calling my husband, her boyfriend.

That didn’t sit right… but I said nothing.

Now here’s where it gets spicy.

My husband is a nagger. I am not. During a party we hosted, we had just had a disagreement (parties are stressful). He and my friend were outside cleaning up and I could tell he was venting about me. Whatever. That’s not even the issue.

The issue? The second I walked outside, she abruptly changed the subject like I caught them plotting world domination. The energy shifted. Immediately. Weird.

Another time they’re in my garage, “planning my birthday party, ”it wasn’t a surprise, I already knew about, but he didn’t want me planing it. They weren’t alone, his cousin was there too. I walk up to them to tell her something, and she jokingly dismisses me and tells me to go back inside because they’re “talking.” Like excuse me? Ma’am. In my own house?

Then comes my birthday party situation. My husband tells me my girlfriend said she couldn’t give him the final price to prepare the food because I keep changing my mind. Now listen — for other events, yes, I’m creative and I often tweak things. But for THIS party, I told her she had free range. Just give me my two favorite meals, that’s all. I was completely nonchalant.

So instead of admitting she didn’t have the numbers together, she blames me and now my husband said I was being difficult. I confront her. She gets offended not about what was she said — but because I didn’t ask her IF that’s what she said. Then she hits me with, “I don’t talk to people’s husbands like that.”

Excuse me? I never accused you of that… so why are we clarifying that?

That’s when my eyes opened.

Then she tells me I think my husband hates me and that’s between me and him. I need to figure that out, it has nothing to do with her. Why would I ever be with someone who hates me? That comment alone made me start replaying every conversation I’ve ever had with her. Now let’s escalate.

She needed party items from my house. I load everything into our trailer. I can’t drive it — my husband has to. She tells ME she works all week, needs everything before 5pm, and has that she has to be there to put the things away.

Fine. Apparently, she calls HIM that morning because she needs him to transfer money from Zelle to her personal account. Why is my husband your bank teller? Why did she not ask me? While on that call, she tells HIM she was called off work. She never told me. Then my husband tells me to call her and verify her schedule.

Oh. Absolutely not. Why am I verifying anything? Why are you two coordinating schedules and finances and then sending me to confirm?

That’s when I felt like boundaries were not just blurry — they were erased. Now, to be fair, I genuinely do not think my husband is cheating. But my friend worships him. She’s said in front of me that I “talk back too much.” She’s divorced, her ex treated her horribly, so in her mind my husband is perfect and I should just be grateful. It’s offensive.

We “made up” after a confrontation where she swore on her kids’ lives, she never said my husband hated me — even though I heard it with my own ears, she said it TO ME. We tried to go back to normal, but i was on edge. Fast forward to a friend’s birthday dinner. First time my friend and husband see each other since the drama. Everything was cordial.

Then we’re taking pictures at the end of the night. She asks ME to take a picture of her and my husband. I, like an idiot, agree. She wraps her arms above his waist. She then, doesn’t like the picture. So she request another picture, the second one, is a side hug, it’s appropriate. She hates it because you can see her belly.

She asks for a THIRD picture. I said no. I’ll crop your stomach. We’re done here. I was seeing red. On the drive home, I ask my husband why he didn’t step back when she got in his personal space. He gets defensive and says he should’ve never went to the dinner. He asks if he was supposed to push her. No sir. But as a married man… you create space.

He says I’m beefing with my friend and blaming him. I said the only reason I have a problem with her is because of YOU and the fact that neither of you respect boundaries.

I texted her that I didn’t like how she hugged him and if she can’t respect boundaries, we can’t be friends. I sent her the picture, and a video of how a married man should hug other women. She apologized and said that’s how she hugs her friends. Even though I’ve already told her before — he is not her friend, I am. She told me to delete the picture.

She says she values our friendship more than anything. And says she’s truly sorry. So I told her we need to meet face-to-face. Because she is not comprehending what boundaries are. So now here’s the boundary list I’ve made for our face to face:

• Do not call my husband your husband, boyfriend, or friend.

• Do not come to my house without calling first. If I’m not home, leave.

• Do not put food in my husband’s mouth. (Yes. That happened.)

• Do not hug or physically touch my husband.

• Do not call my husband for anything. Call me.

• You are no longer allowed to be alone with my husband.

• Stop lifting your shirt and showing your bra when you’re “hot” around him.

• If someone talks about me and you can’t defend me, walk away.

Every single one of these things has happened. So tell me, internet: Am I protecting my marriage? Or am I overreacting? Is this delusion, audacity, or am I justified? Because right now, it feels like I’m their third wheel. So I’m either setting healthy boundaries… or starring in the prequel to a story I don’t want to finish.

This is what people had to say to OP:

LadyHavoc97 said:

She’s staking a claim on your husband, and you’re allowing it. You need to stand up for yourself and he needs to step way back out of this.

Jazzlike_Adeptness_1 said:

Believe that she is badmouthing you to your husband every chance she gets. She's planting doubts - that you don't treat him well enough, that you're controlling and jealous, you don't appreciate him .... she's going to have a field day with your list.

You get the picture. End this supposed friendship. She idolizes your husband and SHE WANTS HIM.

Don't tell your husband that she wants him. (My mother told me to never tell your man that someone else wants him.) Just pull back, don't invite her to things, stop including her in things like holidays and birthdays. Tell your husband that she's drama and a headache and you're over it. People outgrow each other, yadda yadda yadda.

She's undermining you and telling him how wonderful he is. He Is venting to her about you. She's a cancer on your marriage. Cut her out now.

ExplanationMinimum51 said:

That list is crazy!!!! Why have you allowed this to go on this long?? You are 10000% right but honestly you need to cut that friendship off & go to counseling with your husband. If he hasn’t been swayed by her, it was close to happening.

My husband has my BFF’s number & only texted once to let her know I came out ok from a surgery. I have never called his bff, and outside the group text (my husband, his bbf, his wife & I) I have never text him. And the asking for money transfers….Nope, Nope , NOPE!!

Dramatic-Rain-3813 said:

Ummm your husband is 100% apart of this dynamic as well, I don’t see him setting any boundaries. He sounds like a willing participant in all of this. Yah, your friend is shit but so is your husband.

OP later shared this update:

I blocked my friend on my husband’s phone the night of the hug incident… and everything feels broken. For those who asked for an update after my last post, here it is. The same night the hug incident happened, after I texted Monica, I went ahead and blocked her on ALL of my husband’s socials and his phone number. I also deleted the text messages between them. Then I waited.

I gave it two days just to see if anything would magically get unblocked behind my back… and nothing did. So I finally told my husband what I had done because I wanted to see his reaction.

He immediately told me I was taking things too far, that it was “not that deep,” and asked me why I would even do something like that. According to him, it wasn’t right. I told him it made me feel better. Then he asked me again what the real problem between me and Monica was.

And I kept telling him the problem is HIM. But he just doesn’t believe me. At that point I couldn’t get him to understand my point of view, so I sent him this post I wrote about everything, so he may or may not be reading the comments.

For context, my husband is from the same country as Monica and English is both of their second language. I share the same background culturally, but I was born here.

Instead of reading the entire post, he stopped halfway through and told me that I started this mess myself. He said he never even knew that I used to joke about him being “our husband,” and now suddenly I’m trying to complain about it and blame him.

He literally stopped reading right there. So honestly… I gave up. I can’t force someone to understand something if they don’t want to understand it. As for Monica, I actually went into work an hour early so I could try to talk to her privately. But she got caught up and the conversation never happened. The vibe between us was very off.

Later that day she posted something on social media about how sometimes friendships hurt… and then she deleted the post. So here we are.

I want to say thank you to everyone who commented on my original post — the good, the bad, and even the harsh ones. I read every single comment. And honestly it helps reinforce in my mind that I’m not crazy for feeling the way I do. I know I’m a people pleaser. I know I can be a pushover. And I know I love way too deep, and try and give people the benefit of the doubt.

When I’m for someone, I’m really for them. I’m a girls’ girl to my core. And that’s exactly why this hurts so much. I’ve decided to walk away. Walking away from this friendship feels almost impossible. I keep wishing I could wake up from this nightmare and everything would go back to normal.

But the truth is… there’s no going back now. I can’t unsee what I saw. My heart is honestly breaking over this. I feel betrayed. I keep asking myself why she would treat me like this. We were like sisters to me. She has slept at my house, worn my clothes, eaten at my table. I poured blood, sweat, and tears into helping her start her business and teaching her everything I know.

I truly loved her like the sister I never had. And what hurts the most is that it feels like she knows I hate confrontation… and she’s leaning into that. Because in that picture…

She’s literally smirking. So I’m done. I’m going to find another job and focus on myself. But I still want to talk with her so she doesn’t play the victim. I want my friends there, not to pick sides but to understand we have irreconcilable differences. We can still do business together, but we will not be friends.