'I’ve been secretly paying my 'ex's' rent for three years and he has no idea.'

"I’ve been paying my 'ex’s' rent for three years. He has no idea it’s me, and I’m terrified of what happens when the money runs out."

I’m sitting in my car right now just staring at my banking app and shaking because I’ve finally hit the wall. I have exactly two months of his rent left before my savings are completely gone, and I have no idea how to fix this without destroying the only good thing I’ve done in years.

Five years ago, I ruined the life of the only person I ever truly loved. It wasn’t a messy breakup or cheating it was a car accident. I was driving, I was exhausted, and I drifted for a split second. He spent six months in rehab and lost his athletic scholarship because of my mistake.

The worst part wasn't the medical bills; it was the way he looked at me. He didn't blame me. He just looked hollow. I couldn't live with the reflection of what I’d done every time I saw him, so I did the most selfish thing possible: I ghosted. I blocked him, moved three states away, and tried to pretend I wasn't a monster.

Three years ago, I heard through a mutual friend that he was about to be evicted. Between the chronic pain from the accident and the depression, he couldn't hold down a job, and his family was tapped out. I had a decent inheritance from my grandmother and a high-paying corporate job at the time, so I did something insane. I didn't reach out to him because I knew he wouldn't take a dime from me.

Instead, I used a legal service to set up an anonymous "community grant" through a local non-profit shell. I contacted his landlord and he told my ex he had been selected for a local resilience program that would cover his housing indefinitely.

Since then, my entire life has been a lie. I’ve worked two, sometimes three jobs to keep the "grant" funded. I wear shoes with holes in them, I haven't been on a date in years, and I’ve basically isolated myself so I can keep sending that check every month. In the photos I see of him online, he’s actually happy.

He started painting again. He thinks he’s a success story of a system that actually cares about people. He thinks he got a miracle, but the miracle is just a girl who is too cowardly to face him and too guilty to let him suffer.

But last week, I got laid off from my main job. The "grant" money is going to dry up by May. If I stop paying, he loses his apartment and his stability. If I tell him the truth, I destroy his confidence and the "miracle" that gave him his life back, and I force him to deal with the person who broke him all over again.

I’m a manipulative coward who is addicted to being a secret savior because it’s the only way I can sleep at night. I’m drowning, and the scariest part is that I think I actually deserve it. I just don't know how to tell him that his "blessing" was just my penance.

This is what people had to say to OP:

Long-Razzmatazz-1008 said:

honestly I’d say just tell him, i don't think it would hurt as much for him to know the truth. i think it is sweet what you are doing but I can understand the guilt.

cosmicbutch2 said:

If i was him, id want to see u and Id want to know what u did for me. Wouldnt it be better for him to know that his support is not an organization that is indifferent but someone who actually cares about him. Hope things work out!

sultryswweet said:

Most people want to know that there is a real person behind the support. This is much more meaningful than anonymous help.

OP responded:

But he is in a position to seek help because of me, he's way better off without me. I need to arrange the funds some how but I'm completely lost at this point.

Gonebabythoughts said:

This was so much more expensive than just going to therapy.