Staying close as siblings in adulthood can be harder than it sounds.
In adulthood, everyone's different priorities take shape in a strong way, old tensions don't magically resolve, and the logistics of life can get in the way of regular connection. While this can be a fine reality, any repressed big feelings around it are bound to come during times of family struggle.
AITA for telling my sister she shouldn't expect to be treated like family if she never acted like one?
Our whole family is divided on this and someone suggested I could ask the internet here. So here it goes. I (35M) am the oldest of 5 siblings, that includes two sisters and two brothers. We all have a pretty good relationship with each other and with our parents, each other's families, etc. Well everyone except my sister Hannah (30F).
Hannah was never interested in anything regarding family. She hated being around us, she never spent much time with our parents, and wasn't close to any of our relatives growing up. She left for college a year early because she was academically gifted and barely showed up for things afterward. She always said she had work or was busy, which is true because she has a pretty high-end job.
Mom was hospitalized due to her heart condition. After a week, Hannah finally showed up, and said she had just found out about the situation. She blamed us all for not calling her. We all sent her messages on social media but she insists she doesn't check any of that 'useless waste of time'. She then said she hated not being treated like family by anyone.
I had enough and said she shouldn't expect that because she never acted like family and always only cared about herself and nobody else. I then told her about the numerous times where she prioritized herself. My other siblings agreed. She got upset and left, and hasn't called to even check up on mom.
Edit: We tried calling beforehand but as we all knew from experience, she wouldn't pick up or call us back until a week because she is 'in the middle of an important meeting.' My siblings are all divided on this. So I am asking here. Was I the AH?
The internet had a lot of comments and questions.
INFO. So where’s the rest of the story? You have a ton of gaps. I also find it odd that you only tried to contact her via social media.
YTA something tells me she was always the odd woman out and it’s no wonder she left home early. You made no attempt to contact her. I have siblings like yours and I’m the Hannah in my family. They like to claim it’s because I never fit in but they never gave me a chance.
YTA. I don't use social media either and if someone tried to claim they notified me via that I would be pissed. But even outside of that, and if she hadn't been as close as others, it wasn't the time to hash things out.
Missing family picnics does not warrant not telling someone their mom is in serious condition in the hospital. You may be right she is a lousy sister and daughter. You may not be. But that wasn't the time and situation to flex on that.
This post really touches a nerve, definitely could have been written about me. Firstly YTA for the way you handled informing her. She found out traumatic news about her parent, not through direct contact, a week after the fact and didn’t even have her siblings for comfort. In fact, you all comforted each other and made her feel excluded at the worst possible time.
AND THEN, you verbally attacked her while her parent is in the hospital, she left which she had every right to do, no one deserves to be attacked, never mind at such a vulnerable time. Then you blame her again for not phoning you to check in on your mother! You are acting as gatekeepers to your mother's health knowledge, you’re bullies and you’re blaming her for not reaching out to those that hurt her.
You really need to examine the roles you assigned or had assigned to you as children and let that s**t go. I guarantee that your sister was always attacked, assigned negative roles, and had to escape the family dynamic.
This is coming from someone who recently had her brother scream at her over our dad's comatose body, to the point where he had to be escorted out of the hospital by security and I’m STILL seen as the bad one.
My dad is awake and I haven’t rang or visited because it all has to go through my brother. This doesn’t make me a bad person, I have a right to avoid abusive people and so does your sister.
I feel like there's a whole lot of this story you're not telling. In my experience, people whose families treat them well aren't in such a big hurry to GTFO of town. YTA.
The internet clearly can see through OP's communication style to get to the center of it all, which is that he's TA in this situation and there's clearly some resentment towards Hannah.