Woman gives brother very honest advice about being attractive to women. AITA? UPDATED

The truth hurts, especially when it comes to attractiveness and matters of the heart. No one wants to hear that they don't dress well or know how to engage with potential love interests. But sometimes, the only way to make your life better, is to hear the hard, cold, truth.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a woman asked if she was wrong for telling her brother exactly why women don't find him attractive.

She wrote:

AITA for telling my brother why girls don't find him attractive?

I (20f) and my brother (21m) currently attend university at the same school. We're pursuing similar majors so we've had a few classes together already. We meet every once in a while to talk and go over notes together. I think my brother is nice, but lately, he's been getting somewhat frustrated about not getting any dates with girls.

I wouldn't consider my brother ugly, but I do think there are some features he has that needs adjusting if he wants to be more attractive. The other day he asked me how he can be more attractive to women and go on dates or get a girlfriend. I wouldn't call myself a relationship master or anything but I've been in 2 relationships which is 2 more than he's ever had.

I didn't want to beat around the bush or say that he just needs more confidence or anything because I believe that gives people false hope sometimes. Confident does go a long way, but personality and looks go just as far. I started with saying that his appearance isn't all that well-kept. His hair is often greasy, he face is covered with acne, and I don't believe his haircut suited his face.

I suggested maybe looking into growing out his hair more and learning how to style it. I offered to help with skincare because I know at least where to start regarding skin type. I also offered to help him shop for better shampoo and said he should get used to washing it more often. I also offered to help him shop for different clothes that look better than oversized jean shorts and a plain t-shirt.

Then I moved on to his personality. My brother is kinda dense. For example, he asked my lesbian friend to prom multiple times even after they said they didn't like boys. He needs to understand that when a person says no or makes an excuse (even if he thinks it's a dumb excuse) that he has to accept it. He also talks a lot about himself and can't hold a conversation well.

In a date setting you want to ask questions about your date and give them room to open up maybe by asking deeper questions about their answers. He doesn't do that. I ended it by also stating that he needed better hobbies and things to talk about than his mobile games and Magic the Gathering. Are there many women who love gaming as well?

Absolutely, but you need to have more going than talking about what new cards you got and what the latest edition is going to be. Maybe join a club or sport. Get more involved and find something more to do than school, work, and gaming. There needs to be a healthy balance. It all boils down to, if you want to attract someone, then you need to become someone that people will find attractive.

Well after our meeting ended we went our separate ways. I texted him earlier today asking if we could meet up again later this week. He left me on read for a few hours before saying that he didn't want to meet up with me for a while after what I said at our last meet-up. Was I mean?

People had a lot of strong feedback for OP.

Sunny_Hill_1 wrote:

NTA. You gave him some pretty solid advice. Whether or not he wants to follow it is up to him.

fanofthethings wrote:

He asked and it sounded like you gave him thoughtful advice. However, he might have only wanted a pointer or two. Did you soften the blow with things he does well? Or was it just a landslide of why he sucks? His ego has probably taken a critical hit. So…this explanation worked with my niece and maybe it will help him.

You don’t get to just start at the level where you find your partner. You have to level up your relationship skill tree. A level 20 is not going to consider dating level 1. What do you have to offer a level 20 right now? Experience? No. Money? No. Skills? No. Get on their level. Then see if they’re interested in you.

HyogoHog wrote:

NAH, I think most of your advice was constructive and related to things he could change (hairstyle, cleanliness etc.). I think you could've maybe been less harsh on getting 'better' hobbies and perhaps suggested he tried to leverage those into finding people with similar interests. Overall I think you were definitely being helpful though.

Specific-Garlic-1036 wrote:

NTA

He needs to process.

You could have done this in phases vs. all at once, lesson learned.

Street_Passage_1151 wrote:

NTA. As a woman, this conversation always ends badly. I have had plenty of guy friends who ask some version of this question and they never react well. You either tell them the truth and they get mad, or you placate them and say something like 'you are perfect just have more confidence' which helps nobody.

OP that being said, he knows his faults now and hopefully, he will take some of your advice. Maybe follow up by apologizing for being harsh, and getting him a little self-care package. It might go a long way!

After hearing a lot of hot takes from the internet, OP jumped on with some clarifications and an update.

Edit: Thank you for all the feedback. I'd wanted to give a very small update and answer some questions. I can see how I put that all on him at once and that wasn't the right way to take it. I sent him a text outlining that I didn't mean to hurt him and I should've been kinder in what I said or at least not say it all at once.

I also reworded a few things from what I said. Many people mentioned how the hobbies thing was out of place. I agree that I definitely said it the wrong way. I meant more like he only talks about the same 3 games (MtG, DnD, and whatever mobile game he's currently playing) and that trying out different things could help broaden what he also talks about with other people.

I was also meaning to say that at least being open to trying out other things would help in the future when he gets with someone, that he needs to be open to trying out things they enjoy doing. I finished off by stating that I'm sorry for dumping out so much and I meant it out of love.

My parents got married young (19 and 21) and my brother has expressed that not finding a girlfriend after coming back from his mission like my dad did has made him confused. We grew up Mormon and a big part of 'encouraging' young men to serve a mission is that when they come back, all the young women will be fawning over him.

I also said that I wasn't expecting him to make a sudden change about everything, but to take it small. I'm still open to helping him fix part of his appearance if he ever decided he wanted to make the change. Some common questions I saw. Did he actually mean a girlfriend or just hooking up?

I know he meant girlfriend. I know my brother really well he is a very religious man and wants a girlfriend as he's also never had luck in high school. The hobbies part was uncalled for. I see what you mean. I typed this out best as I worded it to him. I did mean be more open and try out more hobbies so he had more to talk about.

It sounds like OP is taking care to make sure her brother knows it wasn't meant as an attack, but a supportive dose of truth and advice.