Woman's BF 'shares everything' with her sister, she installs security cams. 'AITA?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for asking my bf to stop sharing everything with my sister?"

Here's the original post:

hi i'm 24f and have been dating my boyfriend (26m) for 5 years now. we grew up together as neighbors and were friends for a couple years before dating. i love him so much, and i want to marry him. his family is great and i adore them all, and he's great with my family too. he also formed a great relationship with my sister (21f).

the issue is that i think their bond is too close. my bf and i live together, but he spends a lot of time with her. albeit i am sort of busy, i’m currently in grad school for engineering so i have to go to my classes. my bf works full time. my sister is currently “taking a gap year,” but that one year has extended from when she was 18.

she comes over when i’m in seminars/classes. they have tons of inside jokes and share the same sense of humor and taste in movies. it makes me feel left out, but when i try to include myself they both stop being so enthusiastic and act like it’s super awkward to have me there. my sister and i were close growing up but started drifting when i went to uni.

when my bf isn’t there and i talk to her, she becomes kinda cold and sometimes says rude things. once she told me to my face that i’m not good enough for him and that he deserves better (which made me cry for a couple days).

he also gets her gifts for the most random achievements (like he got her a present for “making it through the week” even though she doesn’t do anything (she isn’t currently working or trying to pursue a hobby or interest, she’s just “taking it easy” (her own words))).

don't get me wrong, i'm glad my bf and my sister are friends, but my major problem is that my bf tells her everything. literally everything. he tells her things he doesn’t tell me, and talks to her about me and our relationship. she knows all our issues and good parts, to a level of detail that i wouldn’t even tell my closest friends or parents.

she even knows the grades i got on my midterms/finals and what i think about my manager (i work part time to contribute to our apartment - but i also get paid for my research which goes towards our needs as well), which i feel is unnecessary for her to know since i didn't tell her myself.

i asked him to step back a bit and stop telling her things about me and our relationship but he was shocked and told me that i’m an asshole for even requesting it. now i feel guilty, so aita?

The verdict from commenters was: NTA. Here are some of the top comments:

Sufficient-Stage489 said:

I feel bad for you. Talk to them about it and move on in your life. You don't need this type of toxicity in your life. NTA

LustInMyThoughts said:

I'm sorry OP... Like a lot of people are saying - it sounds like they want each other.

R0ckPunk said:

NTA. But I am Very Happy to say that I initially read it wrong and thought it was His sister and man that gave me the heebie-jeebies! That being said, the clarification didn’t actually help That much. I’m sorry, but unless everyone was happily partnered up, this all can’t be dismissed as playful fun or anything like that.

(Both of my sisters Love their respective BIL’s and totally have what others might see as inappropriate relationships with them, but it’s far from true). However…this does Not seem the case here. I’m sorry. I millionth the hidden camera…

Shift_Tex said:

Man is it not obvious as you're typing it out,? Sorry for your loss

[deleted] said:

At this point, it’s highly likely that your (ex)bf and your (ex)sister has forged their intimacy either physically or emotionally. Either way, this is unacceptable in a relationship for your bf to gaslight you and act victim. From my position, I will admit that I don’t know the full details and I don’t doubt your love for your (ex) bf;however, this relationship is making you unhappy.

You’re unhappy with his behavior and you’re unhappy with your own sister’s behavior. Please do yourself a favor and just cut both of them out. They’re manipulative and they seem to be taking advantage of you. No good person does this to someone they love. NTA.

After reading the comments, OP shared this first update:

holy crap, this blew up. thank you all for your responses and advice, you've literally made me reconsider everything that i thought i knew. the consensus is that there is something shady going on with my bf and my sister, which just makes me want to vomit.

i'm now reading into every interaction and conversation and i feel so naïve for not noticing the red flags. i'm going to take your guys' suggestions and set up some nanny cams in my apartment (either way, it'll be good security).

if nothing happens, then it'll be reassuring, and if something does happen...well, i'll deal with that after. i'm going to drive to the store right now to pick up the cameras - i'll try to update soon, hopefully with positive news.

She then shared this major update, which isn't exactly "positive," but it might be in the long run:

hi everyone, i have an update. unfortunately it's a bad one, but (fortunately?) i didn't have to wait very long to get it. so the last update i posted was before i went to go get some nanny cams. i set up the cams in hidden spots in our bedroom and living room area in our apartment.

today happens to be my birthday (yay for 25!) and "D," my close friend (25f), wanted to take me for a day trip yesterday. my bf agreed and said that we'd do something the next day, on my birthday. i told him i'd be out from about 8 am and i'd be home by 8 or 9 pm, after D and i finished dinner.

D took me out, but she noticed i was feeling a bit off (i was still thinking about the overwhelming number of responses telling me that something shady was going on). i ended up spilling everything while we were eating lunch. D was outraged on my behalf and agreed that something was off.

she asked if i wanted to cut our day short and drop back home to see if anything was happening, and convinced me by saying that "it's better to find out today than tomorrow." (yes i realize we could've just checked the nanny cams but for some reason we forgot about them in the moment. i'm kind of glad i didn't check, because i would've started ugly-crying in public).

i'm guessing most of you know what happened (it's so predictable, i'm kicking myself afterwards for not realizing). we drove back home around 4 pm. i caught them literally in the act (why were they doing it at 4 pm? i don't even know). i just kind of stood there with my arms folded and i hope with a badass resting bitch face on (although maybe it was more a "trying not to cry" face).

my bf gave me a whole "it was an accident" spiel. i just ignored him and started packing my things. thank god our lease was up for renewal within the month. he begged me and eventually yelled at me for packing up.

the funny thing is, i bought most of the furniture and supplies. so, me being slightly petty, packed as much as i could. D helped me and we loaded everything up in her car. we left some stuff that couldn't fit but i'll go back for that later. the whole time, my sister was sitting stoically wrapped in a robe on my couch (my poor couch).

we went back to D's house and i had a breakdown. D, the angel that she is, provided me with ice cream and fuzzy blankets. my bf spammed me with calls and texts, ranging from "i'm sorry, please forgive me, i love you, it was only one time" to "this wasn't my fault, you should've been home more" (predictable). we decided to check the recordings, and lo and behold, it was definitely not just once.

i am really sad that the sister who used to bake cupcakes and do karaoke with me could betray me this badly. my bf...well he was my first, and in hindsight, he didn't really contribute much anyways. i spent yesterday kind of rotating through being devastated, angry, and self-righteous, but today D pampered me all day so it wasn't so bad. thanks for everyone's support, and i hope that everyone has a good day!

so after i wrote this all up and sent it to the mods, i went back to enjoying the rest of my birthday and D kept me distracted. i left my second laptop (it's an old, slow laptop and when i upgraded, i still kept it) at my apartment.

turns out i had my email and stuff still signed in my my (now-ex) bf messed with it and i lost access to my emails and the original throwaway reddit account. but i did send what i had written to myself beforehand so that's why i can update here. i'm not sure if you guys will be able to see this but i hope you can.