Dad's adult love child wants to meet siblings; they want a DNA test first. She refuses.
Old family secrets can sometimes mean secret family members.
So when two siblings found out about a child from an affair three decades ago, they wanted some proof before moving forward. However, asking for such proof can be a huge insult. So, they came to Reddit to ask:
'AITA (Am I the a-hole) for asking my half sibling for a DNA test?'
Tickle_Me_Oh_No writes:
My (38F) brother (40m) and I found out from our dad that we may have a half sibling (33F) from an extramarital situation.
She has no biological siblings and apparently wanted to get to know our family. She’s also apparently in an abusive marriage with two youngish children, and was on the run from him at the time we were told about her (she’s since gone back).
Our dad has accepted her as his, even though there’s never been a DNA test.
My brother and I aren‘t opposed to talking to her, but we are both pretty practical people and don’t want to spend time and emotional effort getting to know a stranger, especially one with a lot of dramatic baggage, if they turn out not to even be a relative.
We told our dad we’d talk to her if she provided a DNA test showing she was our sibling or our dad‘s child.
Since my dad relayed the message, he’s said that she was hurt that we’d ask for it now (we just found out, but apparently my dad knew for a decade). She refused to do it.
I feel kind of bad because her mom is her only other biological family and she sounds like she could use a support system, but I don’t feel like I’m being unreasonable. AITA (Am I the a-hole) for asking for a DNA test?
Here's what Reddit had to say...
I think the only a-hole here is your father who is apparently lying to all of you about the détails here...
Given that she’s the child of the affair, she likely doesn’t have a reason to “know” anything different. But it could be a scary thing for her to consider her mom could have been lying her whole life. I don’t think I’d consider it a red flag for her to not immediately be comfortable, but if she continues to refuse, perhaps. Still NTA (not the a-hole) for OP, but I wouldn’t automatically assume the worst with the sister.
While I think it is maybe over the top to request a DNA test if your dad has known and vouches that she is his daughter, I guess NTA. But I think saying '...especially one with a lot of dramatic baggage' about a woman being abused is a really disgusting thing to say.
Her being abused, especially with two young children, is a horrific thing, and it seems incredibly callous of you to not care about this woman's safety or her two children because you're not 100% sure if she is actually your sister.
I'm not saying she needs to move in with you, but to not even be willing to speak to her and telling her so while she's struggling like that seems awful to me. Being trapped by an abusive partner is terrifying and isolating. Many abusers purposefully ruin your relationships with friends and family to give you no way out. Just being kind can make all the difference.
My great uncle had kids popping up from all over the place demanding money from his estate. Not one of them turned out to be his actual biological child. NTA (Not the a-hole), this came out of nowhere. You have a right to ask.
'She sounds like she could use a support system.' This is why the DNA test is required. This is not a stranger who isn’t asking anything of you. It’s a stranger who needs help. She’s trying to establish the relationship to get some help.
Even if she never asks for a dime, she’s already asking you for emotional support. This will most likely be a one-sided relationship for the foreseeable future. The DNA test is the only thing you’re asking for. It seems reasonable to me.
OP comments:
Family is important to my brother and I, and we would likely try to build a relationship. Neither of us care about any inheritances. We got more than she ever did just by being the legitimate children.
I actually would rather she got any of the money to compensate for all the missed holidays, birthdays, and family trips. Hell, the ability to know our grandparents (both dead probably before my Dad even knew about her). You can’t put a price tag on that, and she missed out big time.
NAH (No a-holes here). I understand why you want confirmation but I also understand why she doesn’t want to comply. If your dad has known about her for ten years and doesn’t think a DNA test is necessary, she probably thinks you shouldn’t either especially since all she wants to do is meet you.
She’s not asking for money or to be your best friend. Maybe she doesn’t understand that you’re making this request to be practical, not to be mean. Also, ask yourself this question: would a positive paternity test be enough for you to try to have a relationship with this woman?
She is a living reminder of your father’s infidelity, so being around her may not be comfortable for you. If you want her to take this test in exchange for a one time meeting with you and your brother, that might not be reasonable. However if you’re interested in forming some sort of relationship with her and that’s why you want this test done, she should be more open to taking the test.
BexclamationPoint thinks Dad is up to something:
I think NAH except your dad. I get why her feelings would be hurt, but the only reason I can think of for your dad to TELL your about her feelings being hurt is to pressure you into accepting her as a sibling without the reassurance you want.
So. Dad cheated. Dad SAYS this is your sibling. Dad SAYS she is in an abusive relationship, has very little family, and needs more support (I'm assuming this info all came from him based on you using terms like 'apparently' and him relaying the messages about the DNA test). Sounds like Dad's problem.
Do you WANT a relationship with this person? It's fine if you do! But it doesn't sound like you do. DNA isn't going to make her less of a stranger. It sounds like your dad betrayed your mom, abandoned his third kid and his affair partner, and is now trying to manipulate you into sharing responsibility for that.