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'AITA for going behind my sister's back and taking our deceased mom's wedding dress?' UPDATED

'AITA for going behind my sister's back and taking our deceased mom's wedding dress?' UPDATED


"AITA for going behind my sisters back and taking our deceased mothers wedding dress?"

Here's the original post:

So I (F27) am getting married to my fiancé (M28) in October. He proposed last February and we have most of the preparations already set up. The only thing I haven’t found, a dress. I have been to many places and I haven’t found something I like.

Last month I asked my sister if I could use our moms dress as it was in the style I was looking for and it was a way for my mom to be there in spirit. Everyone tells me I am the spitting image of my mother, I have nearly her exact measurements so I so I wouldn’t even have to alter the dress. My sister said no since it was a gift from mom to her.

My mom passed away when I was 15, she had a long term battle with cancer. My sister (F35) had a long term boyfriend that things seemed pretty serious with at the time and before she passed my mom said that she wanted her to wear her wedding dress when she got married.

However a few months after her passing my sister broke up with her boyfriend and she went years without having any long term partners. About three years ago she came out as Aroace* [*asexual and aromantic] and has stated many times she has no interest in getting married or having a romantic partner.

I asked a few more times and she always said no. I feel like she is being unfair as our mom wanted the dress to be worn and she was also my mother, I was too young to get any big gifts from her when she passed, and I have said that I would return the dress to my sister after the wedding.

I even told her I would get a different dress for the reception and that if I could even have it to just walk down the aisle in I would be happy. She has still refused. Last week I asked my father and he started crying because of how happy he was. He told me that my mom would be so happy for me and that he loved that I was honoring her in this way.

My father has kept the dress in a safe spot ever since my mom passed. He brought the dress to my house earlier today just so we could see how it looked and so I could store it with my stuff. And it was everything I had ever dreamed of, I looked like a princess but more importantly I looked like my mom. Dad said he made the right choice and that he was happy for me.

I just got off the phone with my sister who called me screaming and crying about how I had no right and how that was our mother’s gift to her. She told me she would never forgive me for this if I wore it to the wedding and that I was no longer her sister. I love this dress and I love how it connects me to my mom. But it was my sisters first and I stole from her. I might return it based on how this turns out. AITA?

What do you think? This is what top commenters had to say:

KaliTheBlaze said:

If your sister has no intention of ever getting married, and you’re giving back the dress after the wedding, what are you really taking from her? She will still own the dress, and she never intends to use it in the way you’re using it. Your sister is being very selfish.

Dandibear said:

NAH. Your sister is being unreasonable. It sounds like she has unresolved unhappiness about the end of her relationship or your mother's death or both. Those are seriously difficult things to deal with, so I won't call her TA.

But under the circumstances, it's reasonable to say that your father's permission stands in for your mother's. I'm going to guess that your mother didn't mean for your sister to have exclusive use of the dress anyway, just to use it next.

So I say you have the right to wear the dress. The question is whether you're willing to risk damaging your relationship with your sister over it. It's not fair for her to put you in this position. But you'll have to deal with the consequences anyway. So it's your choice either way.

Fantastic_Music2421 said:

I think also everyone is missing the part of the story where op mom said she wanted the sister to wear the dress for her wedding. Not keep it forever and not share with her sister. And if the dad had it then it wasn’t gifted to her at all. It never left the moms house since the sister didn’t get married and fulfill moms wish of her wearing it. Dad has final say so in this matter as he was the one in possession of the dress

And Zestyclose-Lime-217 said:

I'm actually surprised your sister was so against this. I mean if it were me and my sister was getting married and I was never going to then I would pass it on. Keep it in the family and have that as a tribute to mom. It's almost like she is upset she didn't get married and won't be wearing it.

Your sister seems to have another issue here. It's too bad it's such a close date that you can't try and get to the bottom of the issue with her. Otherwise it sounds purely selfish. I'm kind of between Yta and Esh.

Only because she said no and it was her gift but at the same time your dad had it. He brought it to you. That's what kind of takes away the stealing nature. I feel like your dad and her need a talk. A real one. Because if she was to get married ever in her life then I see her side. But there's more friction here.

Days after her original post, she shared this update on the situation:

So last night my father texted me saying that he wanted me and my sister to have lunch with him today to talk everything through because there was some miscommunication on his part involving our mother and what she wanted. My sister has given me permission to update this post.

We had lunch and my dad explained why he though it was ok. The reason my mother had told my sister she wanted her to wear the dress at her wedding is because her partner at the time had asked for our parents blessing and had plans to propose to her. According to him the dress was supposed to be a wedding gift from both of them and as a final goodbye from our mom.

Our parents were usually really good at giving us stuff 50/50 even though I was younger. However since I was young when she died most of her valuable stuff was bequeathed to my sister (her car, her mothers pearls and some fancy dresses that could easily be altered without ruining them).

I did get money added to my college fund from her savings and her favorite purse so I did get stuff. But our dad got everything else and our mom instructed him to gift us some of her more important items during our big milestones so she could still be involved in our lives.

After my sister and her partner broke up our dad assumed that the dress was a part of that deal still even though our mom had talked to my sister about it before she passed. My sister told us the reason she wanted the dress so badly other than sentimentality.

She has been trying to get IVF and she wanted the dress for her future child. Later when we were talking one on one she also admitted to me that her ex partner proposing is what made her finally realize she was ace and that even though she has accepted it the dress is still a reminder of everything she wants to be able to want to have.

Together the three of us came to an agreement, since my partner and I have discussed the topic thoroughly and have agreed we aren’t having kids, I will wear the dress at my wedding and have it paid to be cleaned afterwards.

It will be stored with my father afterwards and if/when her future child gets married they will have access to the dress if them or their partner wants it. My dad also gave my sister our moms old wedding ring to have.

In the end we came to the conclusion that I was a b!tch for going behind her back but she should have communicated more and our dad should have told both of us his intentions before giving me the dress. In the end we worked everything out and are talking about attending family therapy so nothing like this happens again.

Sources: Reddit
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