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'AITA for ruining my brother's relationship because I wanted his GF more involved with our family?'

'AITA for ruining my brother's relationship because I wanted his GF more involved with our family?'


"AITA for ruining my brother's relationship because i wanted his girlfriend to be more involved with our family?"

Here's the original post:

I (28f) always had a great relationship with my brother (38m) and the rest of my family. When my son (now 5) was born, they supported me through a lot, especially since my baby's father abandoned us.

The problem started when he met his girlfriend (30s)in university. At the start, i was truly happy for him, especially since he'd talk to me about wanting to ask her out ever since he heard of her from her classmates. what i didn't like is that she didn't care much to keep contact with us, even after being together for well over a year. she was always too busy to meet our family.

He told me she was an amazing cook, was kind, brilliant, etc. and he wanted to marry her and travel with her back to her country once she finished her phd. He'd always talk to us about how lucky he was to be dating her (she's a judge) and how her government was financing her.

I'll admit, knowing a childless woman wasn't working and was paid more money than me, on top of having her rent and other things covered, stung a little, but it had nothing to do with my dislike of her.

I wanted her to be more involved in our family, but there was always an excuse as to why she couldn't meet us for dinners, etc. She'd be studying, helping someone from abroad (which i don't really believe, what could she be doing for anyone being miles away?), and on the rare occasions she was free, she was either travelling to see her family, hosting friends or wanted to be alone.

I didn't buy that she didn't have any time for us because she doesn't work and was always at home, but she stopped accepting my visits and refused anything to do with my son as well, which slowly distanced my brother. she wouldn't even babysit when my parents were out of town and i needed her to watch him so i could work. personally, i don't think she's as kind as my brother thought.

My parents were on my side, brother wanted to be "neutral", but asked us to not "stress her out even more". A few days ago, me and my parents went to her house to talk things out with them both.

We were upset, but tried our best to explain why her distance and refusal to help was unacceptable since she doesn't work and has free time, i told her i wished she'd be more caring and she got increasingly angrier, but said nothing. Then she turned to my brother and asked him if he agreed, but he said he didn't want to take sides.

She said that this was "another example of why she felt so resistant to the idea of getting into a relationship", that "she couldn't take it anymore and felt better being alone" and then broke up with him. I was shocked, none of us expected this and my brother immediately tried to backtrack, but she told all of us to leave her house immediately and to not go back.

Now i'm feeling guilty and my brother won't speak to us because i ruined his relationship and she's irreducible. She isn't bothering to listen to anyone in our family and I'm afraid there's no way to fix this. AITA or did she overreact?

What do you think? Is she the a-hole? This is what top commenters had to say:

Icy_Hovercraft_6379 said:

YTA. Not her responsibility to watch your child(ren) or be there for your whims/amusement. And be honest with yourself: the fact that she is childless and does have free time bothers you. You are not entitled to her time. Keep repeating that to yourself until it gets through to you.

goatsequallove said:

YTA. A very jealous, simpleminded AH.

  • she doesn’t have to want anything to do with you.

  • she doesn’t have to help you in any way whatsoever


  • dating your brother doesn’t mean she is your nanny, your friend, or someone who wants to try and like you.

Honestly, your family sounds insufferable. Go visit the JUSTNOMIL sub.. thats you and your family.. an exhausting mess of entitlement.

lihzee said:

YTA. A meddling, jealous asshole. Grow up and work on yourself.

BonsaiZombie said:

Wow YTA x 1000. Where do you get off demanding a random person babysit your kid because you don't have a back up? and then staging some sort of weird intervention because you think this person you don't have a relationship with isn't doing enough for your family.

I feel bad for your brother as you've pushed away the only sane person in his life but feel glad for the poor GF because she's escaped the toxic insanity of you and your parents. You owe your brother a massive apology and you need some sort of therapy to address whatever this mess is

unhealthy_snack said:

YTA. I'm a little confused by the timeline; you say she's unemployed, a judge and a PHD student. Regardless, it sounds like she has a lot on, alongside the other reasons (not excuses) she's been busy. Based on her response it sounds like it was something your brother and his GF have spoken about and she's made it clear that she's a really busy person.

I've been the "I'm too busy to be in a relationship" person who has then been talked into a relationship, and then reprimanded for not having enough time for the undisclosed commitments that followed, and it sucks feeling like you're not doing enough when you're doing your best.

Sounds like she'd made it clear to your brother that she was too busy to meet the expectations your family were setting for her, and then when you guys essentially told her off for it, he didn't stick up for her, even though he'd asked you "not to stress her out even more" (i.e. she's already stressed/upset about this) and you ignored that.

Then when she looked to her partner for support, he did nothing. Neutrality = on nobody's side, not on everybody's side.

Sounds like she got sick of hearing that she's not making enough of an effort or not caring enough when she's clearly just exhausted.

Verdict: YTA. Do you agree?

OP later shared these edits:

EDIT: when i said i wanted her to be more involved and caring i meant i wanted her to care enough to attend at least a few of the parties/dinners/other things we invited her to, because we wanted to get to know her and develop a relationship with her. Especially since she had told my brother she had no plans of returning to/visiting the US once she got the degree, since she felt uncomfortable here.

She was a possible future SIL and we'd lose her and our brother if they moved together and she had no relationship with us to ever wanna visit. I didn't want nor expected babysitting unless i had no one else to ask in a emergency like the one i mentioned, then i asked her because i thought that, since she was on a paid leave from work, she could be flexible, but from what i read from all the responses,

(some who didn't need to be so mean btw), it seems i was wrong to assume that. Also, by "not wanting anything to do with my son", i also meant that she gray rocked me when i tried to speak about him or show photos.

SECOND EDIT: okay, i get it people. I am TA, you can stop with the insults. I'll wait and see if my brother will ever talk to me again and apologise to him.

Sources: Reddit
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