'AITA for telling my sister I'm not interested in her hosting my bridal shower?' UPDATED
"AITA for telling my sister I'm not interested in her hosting my bridal shower?"
A little back story. We grew up in in a pretty toxic family fueled by our parents addictions. I always felt like the forgotten child out of the 5 daughters they had. My mother even surrendered all custody of me (not my sisters) when I was 12. When I was 16 I thought I was in love with my bf(18m) We had our first child when I was 17, married at 19 and twins at 20. It was toxic relationship on both sides.
We eventually went through a rough divorce when I was 30. We both got help for our trauma/issues and now have a great co-parenting relationship. I have been in a amazing relationship with my fiance for 5.5 yrs and he recently proposed. Every time I talk to my oldest sister about the wedding, she mentions it's not my first wedding.
She has said things like I shouldn't wear white, it should be small, I should tell everyone not to get a gifts because "that's the tradition". It is my fiance's first wedding. She called me to tell me that she was "assigned" to throw a bridal shower but didn't think it was appropriate since I had been married before.
I am well aware this is not my first wedding and don't need reminded every time she asks me about the wedding. I informed her I wasn't interested in her throwing a bridal shower and that my bridal party would be doing it instead. She would be welcome to attend but I don't want anyone to feel obligated to celebrate the upcoming wedding. Now she thinks I am being dramatic and twisting her words.
She stated she thought it was funny that she was assigned and wanted to make sure I actually wanted a shower. She also mentioned again to tell the bridal party to make sure and put on the invitation not to bring gifts since I'm already "established". I honestly don't care if people bring gifts or not but why is she pushing this? I told her I wasn't interested in arguing or talking farther on this topic.
My fiance is the baby of his family and they weren't sure he'd ever get married since he is 40. They want to celebrate all the traditional wedding things for us. His family is great and have accepted the kids and I from the beginning. I want him to have that experience as well. Should it matter that I had been married before? AITA?
What so you think? This is what top commenters had to say:
Leading-Knowledge712 said:
NTA Tell your sister that she’s “assigned” to stfu.
RichSignal7022 said:
NTA. Who's assigning her these jobs? You need to shut her down whenever she tries to talk about the wedding and not let her have anything to do with the arrangements.
Go-High8298 said:
Its weird that she seems so focused on downplaying your wedding. It doesn't sound like she has your best interest at heart. I think your right to keep your distance. NTA
Right_Weather_8916 said:
NTA. OP, which person who loves you is going to put the metaphoric boot up your sisters' butt?
DogsandCatsWorld1000 said:
"make sure and put on the invitation not to bring gifts since I'm already 'established'." NTA, but ask your sister what she thinks a shower is? Showers (be they wedding or baby) are one of the few parties where the giving of gifts is the purpose.
Birthday, anniversary, graduation etc., they all may include gift giving, but that is not the purpose. I've heard of recipe ones, where the guests are encourage to bring a favourite recipe in place of another type of gift, but that was still a gift. Is she getting it confused with a bachelorette party or hen do?
esmoves said:
Nta. She sounds jealous af. Please don’t let her come to your shower, don’t put her in the wedding party. She can be a guest but your party needs to know beforehand to throw her out if she pulls a stunt.
Verdict: NTA. NTA. NTA!!!!
She later shared this update:
Firstly, thank you all for the well wishes. I did not expect so many response but I appreciate every single response. To answer a few common questions; she has been married for over 20 years. Not positive who exactly "assigned" her in charge as my matron of honor was already planning the shower. I assume my siblings felt obligated but didn't really want to do it and assigned her.
I don't think she is jealous of the gifts/wedding or don't really understand why she would be. She is only a guest and does not have a role in the wedding. I don't think she would say/do anything at the wedding. She likes to project the perfect persona in front of other people.
Due to the family dynamics, most of my family is not invited. Only two sisters are on the invite list. I have been clinging to these two relationships since I've gone no contact with most of the family. While I know no contact is what's best sometimes it feels like I am the problem since they all still have contact with each other.