'AITA for not moving out of my apartment so my brother can have it?' UPDATED 1 YEAR LATER
"AITA for not moving out of my apartment so my brother can have it?"
I (F23) have an older brother (32). I moved out of my parent's house earlier than him and found a small place for myself that is really close to my job. The place is not the biggest, it's a one bed room apartment - but it is enough for one person and rent is very cheap so I'm extremely happy with it. I put a lot of work into it and made sure it's my little happy space.
Recently my brother started staying over now and then, I don't have a problem with that, he works the nightshift and my place is also closer to his job than my parent's house. The problem began when he started bringing more and more of his stuff to my place. He brought his PS4, started gaming in my living room and is overall just being a terribly inconsiderate guest and treats me like our mom.
I brought this up with my parents and my dad suggested that I should let my brother live there and get myself a new apartment, he said I should look for a bigger place because my brother makes less money and he could afford my place and I could find something better.
But I don't want a bigger apartment. I have no plans to have a family or partner where I would need anything more than one bed room. And I put so much work into personalizing my apartment that this feels so unfair. My parents said I'd be an a**hole for both, kicking my brother out now for staying over and not giving him the place. Is that true?
Edit with some additional info: My brother does not pay rent to me, he used to stay here for only a couple of days but it's been turning into weeks.
Edit 2: I did contact my landlord as of today, she hasn't responded yet but she's nice so I hope she'll understand my situation. Also, additional info - I didn't know my parents or my dad would react like this.
I thought they would help me talk to him, we don't have a bad relationship. I am trying to figure out why he thinks my brother should have my apartment too, but my dad hasn't been responsive since that conversation.
Here were the top comments after the OP's initial post:
NTA. Please do not let your family bully you into giving up the thing you worked hard for. Your brother is a grown ass man (32 years old) and can definitely find another place if he needs to and can’t be a considerate guest.
NTA. OPIE, it is YOUR place, don't let them belittle your feelings, tell them if they are so worried for dear helpless brother, then they should help HIM pay rent to an apartment of his own, easy as that.
OP should bring all her brother's belongings to her parents house (and change the lock if he has a key) and let them deal with it. If they're so worried about their struggling son, they can deal with him.
I can't decide if your brother has always been your parents' favorite or if they are just so desperate to get a 32 year old man out of their house that they are willing to screw you over in the process. Either way, NTA and get that parasite out of your happy place ASAP!
Please, please, please see that you are 100% deserving of your OWN space, that YOU found, that suits YOU, that YOU created.
They're MORE than welcome to help him find a DIFFERENT cheap place to live. Change the locks. Move him back home.
After reading all the responses, the OP returned 10 days later with a first update:
Hi, first I wanna say thank you for all the encouragement in the comments of my last post. It took me longer to deal with this than I expected but finally, I think I found a solution. Several people asked for an update so here it is:
I attempted to talk to my father again but at this point I am assuming that a lot of the comments were right about them just wanting ME to deal with my brother in their place. I took time off my work schedule to pack his sh*t together and waited for him to crash here after work again (since I still needed the key back).
Looking back, probably not the best move, but I was stressed and tired. It was an awful fight but it did end with him eventually leaving my apartment and returning my keys. The reason I didn't get the locks changed is because my landlord reminded me that this could be very expensive - and she wouldn't cover the cost for me.
It's been several days and my brother has not contacted me since, nor attempted to enter my apartment. I am still considering changing the locks and might do so soon with my landlord's permission and covering the cost myself. But it seems I have my space back.
The thing that really bothers me is how my relationship with my parents suddenly suffered so much from this. My initial reaction when I asked them to help me throw out my brother, and my dad responding with the apartment switch was that they couldn't be serious - apparently they were.
My mom did talk to me this week and said since I am on good terms with my landlord I could figure something out - its completely ridiculous and almost comically evil at this point. I told her that that's not how renting a space works... I don't even know if this is pure entitlement or ego - doesn't matter though.
I decided to lower contact with them over this, until they find out what they did wrong. Regardless of if they do or don't, my family are not the main characters of my life and I am done with being a doormat to them. It took some encouragement to stand up for myself and I wanna thank everyone who gave it to me :)
Here were the comments from readers who followed the story from the beginning:
You handled this just right. I would at least find out what changing the lock or *re-keying it would cost. You can usually just change part of it, and it's fairly easy to do it yourself. It's a valuable life skill. I took my own lock from home to home for a few years.
Good for you OP. It’s not your job to help your brother. He is 30 and you are not his parent nor his caretaker.. not your fault your folks did a bad job preparing him for the world.
Good for OP and wow. These parents really actually did their SON a disservice too by handling things this way, he’s learned to just be completely helpless with a misguided sense of entitlement. Pretty sad.
Congratulations and well done! I’ll share my view : your parents were keen as heck to get your 32 year old brother out of their house, even if it meant throwing you under the bus.
A year later OP came back with this update:
Hello! I don't expect anyone to see this but about a year ago I had a lot of family drama going on. But if someone stumbles across my post, here is how I've been.
I moved not only out of my apartment but to an entirely different country. Through my job I had a really sweet offer at a different location and took it. I live with my current GF.
As far as I know my brother has also found a job and is not living with my parents, but I am not sure to be honest, the only updates I get from him are vaguely through instagram and the grapevine since I still don't speak with him. My parents call me sometimes and I endure the conversation and then move on with my life. That's the most comforting solution to me.
The reason for this little update is because I went through the comments of my original old post and they made me very happy, so many of you are amazing great people and I hope whoever reads this is happy, safe and healthy. Sometimes internet stranger do in fact rock! :)
Here's what people had to say after this last update:
I followed you hoping to see an update and finally that seems to have happened. You did right, and honestly the amount of grace you have given your family is amazing cause I seriously doubt I would be able to maintain contact at all unless they were practically groveling at my feet in desperation for forgiveness.
serious-stuff45 OP responded:
Honestly I haven't forgiven them but I've reached a point where they cannot ruin my happiness anymore so I won't forget or forgive but I will move on and thankfully they cannot influence my life anymore.
I’m so happy for you! Best of luck with everything - stay safe and happy in your new home!
serious-stuff45 OP responded:
thank you so much!!