Man tells brother 'mom loves me more' because he told her about cheating father.
'AITA Telling My Brother That It's His Own Fault That Our Mom Isn't As Close To Him As She Is With Me?'
I (20m) have an older brother 'Tom' (27m). When I was 7 I walked in on our dad kissing a woman who wasn't my mom. I was shocked, confused, and felt sick in that very same moment and started to cry.
The woman ran away while my dad tried to get me to calm down and convince me that I didn't see what I saw. I was naive but not dumb and while I couldn't fully understand what was happening I knew that my mom (51f) would be upset.
My mom was out of town when this happened and my dad spent the rest of her trip to try and convince us to not say a word. The only reason why I started to go through with it was because Tom came to me and said that it was better to keep quiet to spare our mom's feelings.
I didn't say a word when mom came back but I had a hard time being around her as well as trying to eat. My mom was worried that I was sick but my dad brushed her off. I held in the secret for about three days and then had a break down at school when my teacher was going over the importance of honesty.
My mom came to the school and I ended up telling her everything in tears. My mom held me and told me that it was okay and that nothing was my fault. My mom confronted my dad and during the divorce it came out that Tom knew for at least a year but never said anything.
Our parents ended up needing to sell the house and Tom started to lash out at me, and that's when I think something in my mom finally snapped. She didn't fight over custody for Tom the way that she did for me and ended up with 50/50 with him while primary for me.
Over the years my mom would still talk to Tom and try to put in the effort to have a relationship with him but it wasn't the same as with me. When asked she would say that teen boys don't need their moms as much as younger ones do so I would get most of her attention and care.
One day I straight up asked my mom why she interacted with Tom differently than me (now that I was older too) and she confessed that she was hurt at how Tom was willing to not only say nothing about my dad's affair but also covered for him once before too.
My mom admitted that while she still loved Tom she just didn't have it in her heart to fully trust him again, and preferred to keep her distance in case he ever disappointed her again. I can admit that it was sad to hear but I could also understand it.
Recently Tom has been going on rants about how my mom played favorites and I told him that it was his own fault for being more loyal to our cheating dad than to our mom who was wronged. Tom has went VLC with me since and my dad called me A but his opinion on this means nothing to me so AITA?
I went to sleep after posting and now that I'm awake I wanted to answer a few questions that I'm seeing.
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Some of the things Tom did when he lashed out at me was cuss, yell, and break a few of my toys. And now that someone else has pointed it out to me I can definitely see the custody arrangement being her way of making sure I wasn't around two people who blamed me for the divorce as much.
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The lady was the neighbor's wife and no they did not get together after my parents divorced.
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While my mom didn't have primary custody like she did with me, my mom did still call Tom, got him birthday gifts, scolded him about grades, and invited him on special trips with her side of the family.
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My mom definitely tries a lot more than my dad tries with me. Him calling me out about what I said to Tom was the first time we've spoken in months.
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Another reason why I think our mom is keeping her distance is because Tom ended growing up to be a cheater like dad. Mom knows of at least two different girlfriends that Tom cheated on while I know three.
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Also, what I said to my brother wasn't in a accusatory way but more like a 'B happened because of A.' I'm definitely empathetic to both my mom and Tom.
Here are the top comments from readers:
NTA. Your dad is TA. Tom isn't. He was young and under the same pressure as you. A great responsibility was placed on him at the age of 13. In his mind, he was keeping the family together. Your dad is an ass for putting that pressure on him, and later on you. Your mom was hurt, understandably so, but you all needed counseling in that situation.
Your NtA but your dad AND your mum BOTH are. Your dad is TAH for putting that burden on a child. He used his position of 'power' to manipulate a child into keeping a secret and your mum is the AH for punishing a child for doing what a parent asked him to do and not realizing that he was let down too.
Your mum is pissed at the wrong person. This isn't Tom's fault at all. He was a child,he didn't know any different and she essentially said 'f' you and gave up on him. Can you honestly not see how wrong that was? It's not your brother's fault he isn't close to your mum, it's your mum's fault for punishing a child for something his dad did!
Your parents are AHs. Your mom should know better than to think she can’t trust her 14yo kid who was under the same pressure as you and tried to keep the family together. Your dad for obvious reasons.
I’m sorry but you can’t blame a child for a cheating parent. Your mom stopped mothering him the same and that’s not ok, it’s damaging to a child, and you went with it. Poor Tom. He’s not innocent in his own mind probably, when he was just a kid! The meltdown you had, he’s been holding it in and mom won’t even forgive- he lost his mom in the divorce. Idk how she can do that.
YTA for saying that, and your mom is an enormous AH. Teenage boys do need their mothers, and they need their mothers' to not blame them for things that aren't their fault.
Your dad is the one who cheated. Your brother was a teenager, under the influence and manipulation of his father. You know, the person he's been taught to trust, respect and obey his whole life.He was convinced that if he told his mother, the family would break apart and she'd blame him and - oh, what do you know, she did just that.
Because instead of being a parent, she decided to be an AH who blamed a child for her partner's actions. And it sounds like your mom has been manipulating your view and perspective on things. Just like your father did to your brother, all those years ago.