'AITA for banning my girlfriend's little sister from staying with us?'
"AITA for banning my girlfriend's little sister from staying with us?"
This situation sucks, and I need a third-party perspective. I've lived with my gf 'Sarah' for 2 years now. Sarah has a 16-year-old sister 'Tara.' Tara lives with their parents, but Sarah and Tara have a very rocky relationship with their parents. Nothing too bad, but it's toxic nonetheless.
For the last 6 months or so, Tara has begun staying over at the apartment that me and Sarah share.
I've always been somewhat uncomfortable with this, mainly because it's common for Sarah, who works from home, to let Tara skip school and come spend the day with her. She says it's better than her being on the streets but I digress.
My biggest problem is that Tara trashes the place and has no respect for me. Tara does not like me. I don't know why, Sarah does not know why.
She is incredibly disrespectful to me and my things, eats my food despite being told not to on a nearly weakly basis, and 'borrows' this from the apartment with no intent to ever return them.
I've been at my wits end over this for the last month and I feel like Tara is testing my limits more and more. I've talked to both of them and let them know if something doesn't change soon I will lose my cool.
But every conversation ends with Sarah committing to things that never happen and Tara being noncommittal or just disinterested in my feelings.
It came to a head Friday. Sarah had gotten off work early and left Tara alone. I came home to the place absolutely trashed. This I could handle, what I could not be that Tara had pulled out some of my vinyl to listen to, scratched them to sh*t and just left them out on the table and ground when she got bored.
When I confronted her and asked her what happened she just shrugged her shoulders and said nothing.
I absolutely lost it. I told her exactly what I thought of her. How she was selfish, ungrateful, lazy, and downright unpleasant. I made the comment that if this is how she is at home, I now know why her parents don't want her in their house.
I could tell she was taken off guard by my yelling, and the parent's comment caused her to start crying. I kicked her out and told her not to come back. Sarah lost it and we fought. We've been pretty cold since then. She's talking about moving out, but at this point, I'm starting to consider that myself.
Last night, however, Sarah finally decided to tell me that Tara tried to run away last year, and she made a deal with her that our apartment could be her safe space whenever she needed it so she didn't run away again. I still don't feel like this makes what she did right, but at the same time knowing this, I'm starting to feel bad.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
NTA. Your GF didn't tell you that she was declaring your home a 'safe space' and did nothing to encourage tara to behave like a guest rather than a squatter.
Tara needs more than just a 'safe space'.
'safe space' doesn't mean 'you can trash the place'.
This. A safe space is where you go to be free of harm, pressure, judgement, unreasonable expectations, not where you go to ruin the peace of others or be completely free of consequences.
It's not unusual for someone to act out in their safe space. But it is unreasonable for OP's girlfriend to just assume that OP would be okay with it, especially because they SAID it was upsetting them. Tara's 'safe space' doesn't come before the fact that it's OP's actual home.
You are NTA. Sarah promised her sister your apartment as a safe space without asking you, and Tara’s consistent toxicity makes your home an unsafe space for you. Your home has to be a safe space for you and Sarah, first and foremost.
Let Sarah move out and take Tara in. Let this relationship go. Sarah makes promises to you she can’t keep, Tara treats you like crap, let it go.
You were forced into the role of a surrogate parent to a troubled teenager you can’t set boundaries with. You won’t win this. It’ll never end. Sarah is more committed to her sister than to you.
It’s understandable: the kid has no place to go and no one else. But unless you want to be involved in this mess, you need to get out of it. Best of luck to you.
NTA. Sarah may think she's being a safe space for her sister, but she isn't. She's enabling Tara to skip school, enabling her to be disrespectful to you and your property, enabling her to bail on even the smallest of responsibilities like picking up after herself.
In short, Sarah is actively harming her sister by watching her decline and doing nothing to help.
NTA. Sarah's inaction over Tara not treating you, your belongings, or your home with respect is a huge problem. She is clearly disregarding and probably excusing Tara's poor house guest behavior, which is not going to help or prepare Tara to be out on her own eventually.
Sarah is not treating you as an equal in the home, and if that continues then honestly there's no sense in living together. Ground rules need to be set and enforced if Tara wants to stay with you, and Sarah needs to commit to that fully.