Sister bans brother from family trip after finding out he is dating her ex. AITA?
WIBTA if I uninvited my brother from a family trip after figuring out his secret?
My (I'm 32f) family takes an annual trip, and for years now, we alternate who pays. This year is my year. I dated a guy for 2 years, and lets just say he was incredibly toxic and I'm in a much better mental state because he was out of my life.
My brother (22m) is gay and has been in a relationship for 6 months, but hadn't introduced his boyfriend to us, this is odd because we'd met his previous boyfriends. As the weeks and months went on, I started to ask constantly why I couldn't meet his boyfriend, I started to worry it was some insane age gap between them or something.
Yesterday my brother jokingly took my phone and ran off, so I jokingly took his phone, which he'd left unlocked. I got curious and looked in his pictures, I saw pictures my ex, I was confused why he would have pics of my ex smiling, then it hit me. I thought my ex was straight so I needed confirmation, I unblocked him on Instagram to see tons of pictures of him and my brother clearly in a relationship.
I confronted my brother about it and he said, “I'm sorry, this is why I didn't want to tell you. I didn't intentionally try to date him, he started hanging out with a friend of mine and it went from there. I really care about him, and you know he's hot haha”
Since I'm paying for the trip, I'm uninviting my brother. Along with him, my family thinks I'm wrong for this. AITA?
Here is how people responded to the OP:
If the ex is as toxic as OP says, I wouldn't be surprised if he targeted OP's brother specifically to get back at her, especially if she's the one that ended the relationship. Either he's saying 'I'd rather be with a man than with you', or he's planning to break the brother's heart, thinking that will hurt OP.
Is it possible the toxicity came from the ex being gay but trying to be straight? I'm sure if they hadn't accepted who they are that could lead to all sorts of personality issues.
NTA. Your brother is. Surely the list of people you have dated is not so long that (without them) he’d be left with no viable options among the remaining males on the planet. He chose to voluntarily begin a relationship with someone who he knew had been poison to your life. (Relationships don’t start by accident.)
Also - your brother was going to allow you to pay for his partner knowing that you’d be paying for vacation for your toxic ex. That’s squarely in the center of definite AH territory. With family like that, who needs enemies?
YTA. I know dating a sibling’s or friend’s ex is frowned upon, but you have no say on who your brother should or should not date. I also believe in the concept of greatest happiness. Your brother explained how they love each other and I think that should suffice.
You also left out details on why you consider your ex toxic. Perhaps this perceived toxicity was brought about by his confusion with his sexuality. Or maybe both of you were toxic. I wouldn’t be surprised if you were because you apparently have personal boundary issues.
It is also your turn to pay for your family’s annual vacation. If you really disapprove of your brother’s relationship choice, then uninvite yourself. But please make sure that you still pay for the trip. That’s what I would probably do.
Lastly, I don’t think your ex is dating your brother out of spite. Who in their right mind would risk their image just to get back at their ex? I wouldn’t.
I’m gay… the idea of dating my sister’s ex is so unbelievably uncomfortable for me, like all of her exes were either so close to us and were good guys to the point it was a mutual friendly breakup and they stayed as family friends (who I saw as BROTHERS) or so toxic that none of us ever wanted to see them again.
I can not imagine disrespecting my sister like that, and I plan to go NC with her, let alone knowing that somebody is toxic and … dating them anyway?? What a wild thought process.
YTA for uninviting your brother. I get that you're upset. That's understandable, but you can't just cut your brother out of a family trip where you all alternate paying. This isn't a gift from you. it's just your turn to pay.
I suggest sitting down and trying to talk this out with your sibling. I'm not going to say I wouldn't be hurt if this happened to me. Your brother never should have hidden this from you. At the very least, he should have talked to you before starting to date this ex. Anything else is a betrayal.
Without knowing any details about your relationship other than 'it was toxic' we can't know if your ex was struggling with his sexuality. If he was, there is good reason to believe that was a major issue he needed to work out before being with anyone. I'd try to take a step back and look at the whole picture before cutting my brother out of my life.